Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › In my head today
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Maddie.
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Kimmy
I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. We are taking it slowly in that we haven’t DTR’ed the relationship with a title yet but we have discussed what we want/are looking for and that we don’t like sometimes thinking that the other one is out dating other people (and we’ve both said we are not.)
Lately (the past two weeks or so) I feel like I haven’t been much of a priority to him. We talk every day and see each other when we can but our custody schedules conflict and it’s not always easy to find time. This upcoming week we will have one night and one day/night overlapping. He told me last night that the night/day overlap is non-existent this week because he has family plans and that he made plans with his guy friends for the free night. This happened last week too (we had one additional free night so we did see each other then but that’s it.) As this was two weeks in a row I was bothered. So I made the decision there and then that I was going to stop only focusing on this man who seems to have his focus everywhere.
I have a male friend who has always been a question mark in my life. We’ve known each other for seven years and we can just never get on the same page at the same time. For the past month or so he’s been asking to get together again and I said no bc of the guy I’m seeing. Well, after this happened again yesterday, I texted my friend to see what he’s up to this weekend. He’s out of town so he asked if we could see each other last night. I said sure. We went out. Met outside of the bar and he kissed me immediately. When I pulled away he asked me for another one. Held my hand all night. I went home with him. We did not have sex but he played with my hair, rubbed my back and made me sleep in his arms. And now today I’m in my head. I like the guy I’m dating but he doesn’t seem to have time for me and it’s only been 4 months. With my friend it’s been 7 years and we’ve never given it a real try. The only thing holding me back from trying now is guy 1. I just don’t know what to think or do.
Maddie
Is your friend of 7 years only interested when you’re not available? I’d be cautious with that. Often there’s a reason for never getting together that has to do with a lack of emotional availability.
If the first guy isn’t meeting your needs, he may not be it either and that’s okay. I wouldn’t end it specifically for the friend, but I would end it if you want to keep looking for a better match in general.
Raven
@Kimmy, Stop having slumber parties with guys- Seriously!
Take a step back from both guys & let them show you their intentions.
Kimmy
@Maddie – that’s a really good point about my friend. He does seem to be a bit more persistent right now and of course this is the first time in a while that I’ve actually been super into a guy. You’re right – that’s something I need to keep an eye on if I am going to explore this any further.
After I posted this yesterday the guy I like texted me asking what my plans were for Saturday. I told him I didn’t have them at the moment. Apparently he assumed I did based on something I had said a few weeks ago that was apparently misconstrued. He then said he wanted to cancel his plans with friends tonight. I encouraged him to keep them on the books because I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t see his friends. Anyway, I think part of my flying off the handle the other night was that I do like him and I’m typically a runner when that happens. I do want this to work but I do also need him to peruse me so that I know he’s into me/this and I’m a priority. I guess we shall see how things play out the next few weeks.
Maddie
While he should be very consistently showing interest in you and building trust in order for him to be worth your time, making this work in a healthy way is less about him outright pursuing you hard and more about you feeling that you can still be okay no matter what he does.
It may also help you to look into attachment styles. Thais Gibson has some really good free videos on it online. Usually being a runner means you have a (fearful) avoidant attachment style. That’s also what can cause someone to dance around for years without getting things together (what your 7 year friend is doing). It’s pretty normal for people with insecure attachment styles to find each other and play out these patterns without realizing it. If you’re concerned you might run or self-sabotage with the guy you like, this information will help you start to understand what’s going on with yourself so you can make some changes if you’re motivated to try something different and hopefully get a different outcome.
It’s a little more complicated than I’m making it sound because insecure attachment styles tend to develop naturally earlier in life as a trauma response, meaning eventually a person who wants to move past it into healthier relationships has to decide they want to heal, but putting a name and understanding to what’s going on is the first step in overcoming it.
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