In the grey area with a guy – what to do?

You don’t need an ultimatum. You need to walk away. At several junctions this guy has told this is as good as it gets and the longer you’ve stayed around the less he has given, mostly because he’s come to realize, you’ll take less each time.

This man will never give you what you want. He came back because you let him. I think girls often misinterpret a man they care about coming back into their lives. It doesn’t mean he’s realized he loves you, needs to be with you…its more likely that he doesn’t hate your company and enjoys getting laid.

He’s going to give you whatever crumb he has to keep you around but he’s not going to give you the relationship you desire.

When I say “crumb” this is what I mean: “he told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship in general,
—->but could eventually see one with me.”<—-this is the crumb.

It’s hope that there is a chance for more but he never actually offers what you want. Stop settling for crumbs.

Wow! That’s 10 precious months you’ve wasted on this guy. He must be really awesome to deserve such no commitment free sex situation with full disclosure that he doesn’t want what you want and guilt free. Whatever confusion or gray area you feel you fell into, that’s all on you. And you asked for tough love so this is not judging or attacking this is stating the obvious and restating the facts as we see it being on the outside. I can’t say he’s at fault here. He was rather honest about his intentions maybe what’s truly clouding your judgement is the ultimate “hopeful” thinking that if you just stick around just a little bit longer that he will see you as a girlfriend material and you two would live happily ever after.

I hope you came in to this forum to seek advice and not just vent your frustration. Because advice you will get but the ultimate decision, action, and choice rests solely on you. You’re the one closest to the situation. You need to really open your eyes, mind, and heart and ask yourself what do you really want in a relationship and how do you want to go about being in one that matches your standards and boundaries because if you are just leaving it up to fate, faith, and hope, you will just be hurt.

It really doesn’t matter which guy you’re with or dating. If you know what you want, create the environment that will give you what you deserve. There are some men who will wander about in your space who aren’t looking for the same thing. Know and identify the red flags and hopefully, it wouldn’t take 10 months for you to realize you need to run away from this type of men as quickly as possible so you can make room for “the” ONE.

There is no formula. There is no better advice or approach because it really is up to you. We can give you all the advice and tough love in the world but if you do not apply them, you will remain in that gray area and worse, he may find his “the one” and you’d be left picking up pieces of your heart. No man or anyone is worth your love and time if it’s not reciprocated. Move on and let go for your own sake.

Thanks to everyone who’s responded so far. It’s really eye-opening to read all these messages at once. I’m kicking myself for letting this drag on for as long as it did.. I guess a part of is just hopeful that things will click for him :(

Sometimes I think the experiences we have had in our life lead us to expect the same experiences in the future. If you have ever felt that you were not a priority in a man’s life you may always steer towards men who make you feel the same way.

Open your beautiful eyes and see that you will be number one in the correct man’s eyes and do not settle for less.

Never settle for less.

You can tell him you’re walking away but I wouldn’t make this a “talk”, that makes it sound like it’s a negotiation.

You’re still holding out hope that he’s going to magically change his ways, its not going to happen. He’s had chance after chance to man up, he hasn’t and honestly I think you’re still at risk of letting him back in. You’ve done it before and he knows that.

Tell him you’re done. Ask him to please not contact you again. Then block his number, remove him from social media (block there too). If you’re really done being jerked around by him you’ll do this.

His schedule has been crazy and I am nervous that a phone conversation may not be productive. Is it tacky or rude to send a text and give him the option to call me if he really wants to talk about it?

I agree, a text will be fine. Send it for your own peace of mind to get closure. Then, block him. I hope you are dating other guys, keeping your options open as well.

If you read back and see what you wrote… you will see that you were never a priority to him. You said it was always rough going and you never got past seeing him more than twice a week. I’m saying this not to rub your nose in it, but to stimulate some sense of pride. It’s not a commentary on your value as a person or as a woman, it’s all about him and his priorities. You just weren’t a match. When you realize that it gets easier to let go. There is something better out there but it won’t come if you are hanging on to him.