Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Inactive father
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by
Maddie.
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Lesli
My child’s father and I are no longer together. He calls our child regularly and will send gifts on special occasions but he isn’t physically there. The only time he will see him if it’s a special occasion. He once went 6 months without physically seeing our child. I know he’s not good for me because he’s not a good father to our child and for the way he treated me. What I don’t understand is how he can have a girlfriend that’s ok with not being a good father. Has anyone dated a man who wasn’t a good father to their children? How can a woman be ok with that?
Elvira
I think you are focused on the the wrong thing here. It is not her responsibility to change him into being a good father, that is on him. You cannot force him to be a good father what you can do is talk to him and ask him if you can have an arranged time for him to see his child weekly/monthly. As the child gets older the lack of his fathers presence will affect him and unfortunately you may need to be the backbone and be both father/mother. I am a single mom however their dad is involved, but I know many whose dad are not and do not even provide support. The mom had to be the support system financially and mentally, that is the risk of having children with any man. This is an issue between you and him and a resolution may take time. I feel as though you are not over the relationship with him and you and if that is the case, please do not use the child as a pawn.
Liz Lemon
Hi Lesli, I can really sympathize with you because my child’s father is also an absent father. In a nutshell, he is not involved in my child’s life. The best, healthiest thing you can do for yourself at this moment is not worry about what your ex’s girlfriend is thinking. To be blunt, who cares why she’s dating your ex? He’s proven that he’s an irresponsible person and she’s obviously fine with that. It’s her problem, don’t let it become yours.
The best thing you can do right now is save your energy for yourself and your child. I never let my ex’s absence get me down or affect the way I parented my child. Did it suck that he wasn’t a stable father? Sure. But to be honest, he is/was a very troubled person (think instability, drugs, alcohol etc), and looking at things now, I think my child is actually better off for not having his influence in our lives. In fact, my child is now a flourishing college student and it’s all because of my hard work, and the support of my family and friends. I’m very proud of that. So you don’t need to waste energy thinking about your ex’s girlfriend or why she’s with him.
mama
I was with a man like that. They create their own narratives with these new women and the women believe them. That’s their choice (both your ex and any romantic prospects he has). I have even dated men like that — they start telling a ton of reasons/excuses/blame as to why they aren’t part of their children’s lives. I have no respect for that and blocked them from ever contacting me again.
but again… it’s their choice and they’ll each deal with their own consequences. Don’t waste your time trying to understand it, just keep moving forward in your own life with your child. Surround him/her with positive role models, set your own goals in life and do your best. :)
Liz Lemon
Mama is totally right- my ex made up all kinds of convoluted, ridiculous stories about why he couldn’t be involved in his child’s life, pay consistent child support, etc– and the women he dated believed him. There’s nothing you can do about it. You don’t control him or what he tells the women he dates, and you don’t control what the women choose to believe. Unlike mama, who is clearly too smart and could see through it ;-) — some women choose to believe these guys and their ridiculous logic. There’s nothing you can do about it. That’s why I strongly advise you not to worry about it, as someone who has been there and done that. You’ll just drive yourself crazy. Save your energy for yourself and your child.
Ss
I am totally put off by any man who has a kid they don’t see. My ex is pretty useless. We have two sons and one of them disagreed with him 3 years ago and he clean cut him off. No birthday or Xmas cards or presents. Nothing. I tried to meditate in the beginning but he just won’t be the grown up and says its up to our son (who just 15 at the time) to apologise to him. I gave up. My son doesn’t need him or want him and doesn’t even call him dad anymore just his name if he has to refer to him – that came from his therapy because he was so hurt by his father he needed therapeutic input. He is a pretty useless dad to our other son and barely makes an effort to see him which really makes my son quite sad but he sends extravagant gifts in birthdays and Christmas which just rubs my younger sons nose in it.
I support my sons, don’t bad mouth their crappy father to them and pick up the pieces. Both my boys are amazing and doing really well in life, off to uni in autumn and he can take no credit in that at all. I see it as his loss and I used to think his wife must be really quite pathetic to want to be with such a creep, but there is no point dwelling on it – sometimes you are the villan in someone else’s story because its what they have to sell themselves to cope with what utter crap they are as a person!
Maddie
In addition, some women I’d think prefer this. They don’t want to compete for attention or priority with the ex or the child, and they don’t have to if the father is absentee to his family. Then they think they are the exception and will change him and he’ll never treat them so badly, so it’s a win for them — until he does the same thing again because it’s his nature and he doesn’t want to change.
Both of them have issues, focus on you and your child and don’t let them drain you emotionally. Not worth it, they probably deserve each other, and you deserve better.
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