Innocent Text, but still confused.

Zoe – That makes my heart hurt. I would be lying if I wasn’t at all upset when I heard he had messaged her and not told me about it. We have literary just built a brand new house together, we have only been in it for a month. It makes me somewhat mad.

Doesn’t sound like an innocent text, he was shamelessly trying to shoot his shot. And she checked him by reminding him he has a woman and she wasn’t down for his plans.

You should let him know you found his texting this woman and arranging to meet up as inappropriate and shady. More so she is a married woman and he could’ve handled it with more tact being inclusive of her husband and you.

How did he get her number?

This doesn’t make sense to me.

1) Did she write her phone number down, and hand it to him? How did he get her number?

2) Why didn’t he just text: “This is “____”, Anabelle’s fiance’. The other weekend you told me to send you my number to set up a fishing trip with your son.” Let me know the details when you have them. Thanks.” Something along those lines that one would have expected for being the reason someone reaches out, especially if you discussed it beforehand.

I’ve been there. I too have been put in super uncomfortable spots with a friends BF/SO, where I’m like WTF? When I told my friends, guess who they turned on? ME! So yes, the messenger is the one who gets shot in these situations. It really sucks.

What I read from those texts is she clearly didn’t know who your fiance’ was; only that he wanted to take her out for coffee. He should understand why this woman, and your best friend, would be creeped out by it. Why couldn’t he just say “Oh yeah, I can see why that looks really bad. I should have explained it better, and will apologize and make it right” v. acting like a petulant man-child. If this is how he solves problems, or deals with difficult issues, then I think you need to re-think if this is the type of man who will own his stuff, admit when he’s wrong, or prefers the blame game.

This really goes deeper than the text—its how he copes, deals with, and handles problems. Something you need to really think about.

I can also see why a man who was innocent could still get so angry at being accused like this when he had no bad intent whatsoever.

I don’t think his approach makes any sense since he didn’t say anything about fishing at all and if that was the purpose of contacting her its rather odd. The finish on just restating who he is, rather than explaining it was about fishing is really really odd and it doesn’t look innocent. If an acquaintance’s other half texted me as you’ve set out I’d be confused and wonder why since there was no explanation and I’d feel uncomfortable.

It doesn’t seem to just be an innocent misunderstanding… its really quite odd. His ott reaction doesn’t help. Surely he would text her to say sorry for the misunderstanding I was just texting about the fishing trip you mentioned. He hasn’t. He flew off the handle instead.

If I were you it would dent my trust a bit and leave me concerned.

@Annabel, so it doesn’t sound like he meant anything inappropriate by the text, he wasn’t coming on to her and you are certain of that. I agree with your take on the situation based on everything you’ve said.

It does sound like he doesn’t handle conflict well and you are aware of that as you’ve said he’s avoidant and has abandonment fear. When he’s triggered, he acts like another person, from what you’re saying.

I”m not criticizing you or saying how you handled was wrong… from what you’ve described I can see how he would have taken “why didn’t you tell me” as a frontal attack and that’s why it’s escalated like this and he’s off in left field and red hot pissed off. I’m not saying he’s right (he’s not, he’s out of line for how he’s handling this but he doesn’t know how to do any better right now). I’m saying that’s the kind of behavior those kinds of wounds create. (I speak from experience so I’m seeing this very differently than everyone else commenting… had a BF like this once, we broke up after a year, I couldn’t handle his abandonment paranoia and temperament and he wasn’t willing to get help.)

Do you think he would be open to go to counseling so you can both work together on being able to handle conflict better? Because if you’re going to get married this could become a real issue. If you look at John Gottman’s research on relationships and marriage, stonewalling is one of the big 4 problems that he calls the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse. Stonewalling the way you describe could ruin your marriage. You may need to learn to phrase things a bit differently and he has to learn to handle conflict.

If he isn’t willing to talk this out with you calmly, if he needs that much space every time there’s conflict, you may want to consider if you really can and should get down the aisle to say I do. Unaddressed, this won’t get better, it will get worse. He will not feel more secure once you’re married. He’ll have more to lose.

I really hope you can work this out, it’s a tough one as you say. If he won’t go to counseling, maybe you should go alone to figure out what’s in your best interest here.

Newmbie – I am not sure I understand your comments?

Not sure why you bothered commenting at all to be honest, if it wasn’t any form of helpful advice. I thought this was a forum to get other peoples perspectives on things, on dealing with relationship situations. Not to be told that my situation is a sob story, I am feeling pretty crappy right now and trying to work out the best way to resolve my situation.

I am sure if my fiance was to put himself in my position, he would 100% be questioning my motives as well, if I hadn’t told him about messaging another man.

Extremely hard to approach a subject like this, without trying to accuse someone of doing the wrong thing.

Listen to them Red Flags burning in your gut…

@Newbie… whoa, that was so unnecessary. You disappeared for a while and have come back recently… you’ve been calling people out pretty harshly lately and your posts often have kind of a sharp edge. You seem really critical and well, unhappy. Are you OK?? Maybe just don’t respond if you think it’s fake instead of unleash like this??!! You and I have already had a run-in and I don’t want another one and I’m not going to get into it with you. But damn, this woman is hurting and is here to get help, not get more abuse. We all know this here – if you can’t say something useful, just pass on to another post where you can help. Don’t make the admin have to intervene again.

@Emily… I think everyone including the OP agrees her fiancé didn’t use good judgment in that text on any count and made a bit of a mess here.

@Annabel… having dealt with someone similar, I really get it. He’s giving you the silent treatment, and that’s really sucky. When he calms down and comes back around, you’re going to have to have a conversation about how you two are handling conflict in the future. Him treating you this way over a misunderstanding that isn’t this big of a deal is unacceptable. Again, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Obviously he took your questions as attack. I also couldn’t resolve conflict with the man I dated who was like this, he’d act the same damn way and I finally couldn’t take it any longer even though I was crazy about him. It was weird, it was like he was schizophrenic or something. A counselor could help you understand his behavior and how to handle. I think it’s worth you going a few times on your own to get some professional advice, we’re just amateurs here. I don’t want to tell you to break up with him; at the same time, I don’t think his behavior bodes well for your future if this incident slides by without discussion. I’m sorry, this must hurt so much. Hugs. Wishing you the best.

Raven – The Red Flags in my gut are telling me what I already know, it was all innocent and a case of misunderstanding. This is just what I want to believe either, it’s what I am sure of. He is not a cheater, even if it sounds all really dodgy, which is completely on him for not being clear enough and not telling me about it.

AngieBaby – Yeah I can’t handle the silent treatment at all, I hate it when he does it and I have told him this. But it’s been well over a year since he has done it to me (we don’t have heated fights very often). He also changes when he gets fired up, I can’t even speak to him and he won’t listen or even talk rationally, he doesn’t raise his voice at all, or swear or carry on like that, he just gets to a point where I can reason with him, it becomes hopeless to even try. I think this one has really hit a nerve with him. I think he probably would of hoped I would of put my friend straight and told her that he wouldn’t do anything like that, also for her to tell the “wife” that she is making something out of nothing. He did say during the heated argument that they should of confronted him about it directly as well. I guess he might be feeling let down that I didn’t stand up for him, that they have accused him of doing something sinister when it wasn’t, to which he has really gotten upset with. I probably sound like I am making excuses for him now, but I am just trying to understand so I know how to approach it when he is willing to talk about it.

But if he doesn’t communicate with me, how am I supposed to even know.

I wish he would put himself in my position and if one of his best mates let him know I had messaged a married man and asked to catch up for a coffee, then didn’t tell him about it, how would he feel.

I messaged him that I was concerned and if he could let me know if and when he would be back home. His message was short and abrupt “I will be home tomorrow”.
So that is a three night stay now away, he has been working on the rental, which was the plan this week, however he was going to come home each night.

What a mess :( an absolute horrible mess.

Yes, it’s a form of gaslighting…