Insecurity after Fights: How to Deal

Hi Mae,

I’m sorry no one responded to this as I experience IDENTICAL behavior. I was just going to create a new topic until i saw yours. Does anyone have any feedback regarding this? My boyfriend and i have been together the same amount of time, and i find myself over analyzing everything after an argument. It seems like the fights or disagreements effect me way more than they effect him, and he can just move on from it, but for me, i dwell on it and it really takes an emotional toll. i start to question everything and become insecure and needy and it takes a toll on the relationship since my insecurities are the main cause of any fights. But when he gives me reassurance and shows me love and attention, that’s when we have the least amount of fights. Our arguments are driven from me feeling unappreciated, and all i ask for is a little bit of reassurance and love. When i don’t get it, i become unsure of the relationship.

this is a habit i’ve had with every relationship i’ve been in, although in the ones that i receive constant attention and reassurance, i’m bored and unhappy. i like a guy with his own life he doesn’t revolve every waking second around me, but at the same token, that kind of behavior is what’s ruining my relationship and causing me to have insecurities.

i’ve come to the realization that i am who i am in a lot of ways. i know there is always room for growth and improvement, but i’m always going to require attention. i’m always going to have a little bit of jealousy. i am always going to have high standards and expect the best. I am the type of person that needs to be TOLD they are appreciated and words are important to me, how can i get this across to my boyfriend?

Girls, I am taking a moment to write because I WISH I had something to respond with, as you are sincerely asking for guidance. I don’t know what to say, I don’t feel qualified to respond with anything useful as it’s not something I have personal experience with… but wanted to take a minute to give you some love and support as you handle these issues.

C – I think you are completely right. Glad to see I’m not in it alone. I think for me….I look back to the beginning of the first few months of the rltp, and we were never fighting, and I think it’s because he made me feel so secure in the relationship. I don’t need someone to build up my own self esteem, to tell me I’m pretty or great or anything, but I am a WORDS person. That is my love language. I like to feel appreciated and loved and words and positive reinforcement makes me feel that the most. Obviously actions need to match it, but i do like to hear it from time to time. it doesn’t have to be every day, but once and awhile it would be nice to hear that i’m loved and appreciated. Sometimes i feel like i’m bothering my bf when i text him through out the day or that i’m talking too much when were together and he will tell me i’m crazy for thnking that way and if he didn’t want to be with me or didnt love me, he wouldnt be with me.

i just don’t think its asking too much to get some reassurance and some positive reinforcement once in awhile. do you all agree? It makes me happier in the relationship and more confident about how he’s feeling, and therefore less likely to act out from lack of attention. i don’t need constant attention, but more than i’m currently getting.

Hi Lane:

Thank you for your honest insight. Appreciated. I agree- constant arguing is like a cancerous growth. I do think, though, that it’s healthy to “fight fair” from time to time. And part of fighting fair is having the maturity and strength to let go… which I am trying to find within myself.

In my case, I never feel compelled to argue. I actually hate arguing because of the ensuing stress (that in part I admittedly choose to put on myself). I find that when I state my feelings in a rational, calm way, he spirals into defense mode, then ends up later apologizing for being a <choice word>. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t change my approach, to your point.

In brief, the root cause of our arguments (and my man and I have discussed this) stem from a certain problem of his (which I don’t wish to mention here as that’s another story). That said, I know no one is perfect, myself included.

I suppose I am seeking advice to help combat this insecurity that appears after each argument. The feeling that I will lose him. When we go weeks without arguing, I don’t exhibit this behavior, neither externally nor internally.

I agree with you that it’s important to learn to address issues the right way, in general. I read somewhere (maybe it was on here?) to wait 24 hours before reacting to a toxic or troublesome situation.

My problem: I HATE UNCERTAINTY. I know, grow up, right? It’s part of life. Been a constant struggle for me, even still at 30-something.

-Mae

I understand Mae, which is why I’m suggesting a different approach as the one you are currently using isn’t working well. It depends on the way one is trying to ‘argue’ and the purpose of the argument.

Is to give a reason or cite evidence with the aim of PERSUADING him to share your point of view; OR is it an exchange of heated and angry words?

I liken it to politics where it doesn’t matter what you say or do, if the other person is so myopic, closed or unwilling to see it your way, then at some point you have to ‘let it go’ and stop beating a dead horse; or decide if its too major (goes against your core values), and not worth all the angst and stress its causing.

For instance, my ex and I argued maybe 10 times during our 20+ year relationship. I KNEW his limitations, especially with finances, so I wasn’t going to keep talking to him to death over it. I preferred to come up with A SOLUTION that worked for both of us which was to get him his own checking account with a bi-weekly allowance, plus a credit card with a BLOCKED amount. This way he had enough money to do what he wanted with and I didn’t have to stress over him bouncing checks anymore.

All I’m saying is you need to approach things in different ways to see what works and what doesn’t.

Thank you, Jenna! I will try that as well. I completely agree- my “need” to feel heard still lingers.

Hi Mae,

I came up with the solution, presented it, and he agreed :-)

I wasn’t trying to persuade him to be better with finances because that approach wasn’t working, so I thought what would work, and came up with that solution.

Same with my kids. For instance my sons kept punching holes in the wall when they got angry, so instead of having the same argument, I went out and bought a punching bag, hung it in the garage, and told them to take it out on that—it worked! :-)

I’ve never found arguments to be all that useful unless you’re skilled in the art of persuasion, like an attorney. If your not, then you need to find better alternatives to resolving conflicts as they arise.

The only time I have felt insecure after an argument was when I knew I pushed too far with my words.

I don’t do this anymore.. Have learned to pick my battles and not sweat the little things.

Is this why the insecurity? You know you said things you can’t take back?

IMO if you find this to be a topic serious enough to ask advice on, it means you are arguing way too much. This suggests either incompatibility or a need to have things your way all the time…does any of that resonate?

I actually hate arguing with ANYONE, and could never understand why ex-H and I could not come to resolutions since I could almost always come up with win-win, or win-not lose so much situations in all other aspect of my life.

I came to realize that we both were so focused on being right, that we could not openly try to see things from the other person’s perspective.

I have not had one real “fight” with J in 15 months and I think it is for two reasons
1 – Like LAGirl said.. I have let go of many things that used to bother me
2- I take 100% ownership of what bothers me and addressing behavior rather than attacking him.

Thank you Tallady. Those are some great suggestions. I find that when I force myself to think positive, I get positive results. Sometimes it’s just easier said than done. But I appreciate all your help! Thank you!

Mae
Again… I don’t know what the source of these ‘arguments’ are.

Like Celest, I have been with my man for a year now and we have not had one argument.

I believe this is because we are both pretty level headed and on the same page, more or less. IMO arguments tend to stem from insecurity, need to control/have things your way, reacting before thinking….

A common problem people have is to react before thinking things through. When we impulsively react based on emotion, it usually isn’t doing ourselves a favor.

I find that if I feel a negative emotion I sit on it for a few hours or more. Usually if you give yourself time to calm down and think unemotionally you will end up simply dropping the issue. Because while things feel important in the heat of the moment, they are not so important once emotions cool down.

This applies to talking and texting.

I can’t take credit for this next line (it is a Dr. Phil statement)…’Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?’

I think that is a good rule of thumb when you are involved in any relationship – friends, romantic or business.

I find some people thrive on drama, though. This is what keeps them stuck in this zone. I challenge you ladies on here with this problem to think about that.

People who grow up in families where there is high drama and fighting, view this as normal. They learned this behavior and don’t know better. As a result they either grow up and do the opposite because they can’t stand the stress of it. Or… they recreate it in their own adult relationships because they see it as the norm or they actually get off on the extreme high and lows that come with doing this.

We also see on sitcoms how male/female characters are always fighting, putting each other down with snide comments and yet all plays out well in the end. Really? This IMO really puts us women at a disadvantage and why women don’t understand why a man will dump her after so much arguing. In her mind, it’s normal and all should work out. But in real life, that is not how it works. Thank you Hollywood for corrupting us and sabataging our love lives.

Sorry this is happening…A lot of people have already given some good advice and I don’t think I can add to it, only share my experience. I too have OCD and was super independent pre-relationship before turning into someone who was dependent, insecure and needy in a relationship. My guy was understanding and patient for 2 yrs, said that he knew my faults and I couldn’t do anything to make him want to leave. He also tended to forget fights at the beginning and knew that I was trying to curb my insessant insecurities. But in the end it got to the point where it just wore him down and he said I picked at issues like scabs. Fights escalated whereas before he knew how to diffuse them. He ran out of energy to reassure me and began to need it himself.
I don’t think that it will be enough for him to say he accepts you because he may accept that you’re imperfect but if the fights are continually bad and going over similar issues for a prolonged time he may lose the energy to understand and cope. In hindsight I sorely regret it took a massive shock to my system to get myself under more control. I should have vented out my insecurities in a journal, with friends etc and taken a chill out before interacting with him again…and told myself that my fear of losing him is what made me lose his affection. Do you think you can accept that you can’t have control over how he feels about you? I’m finding the more I come to terms with this, the more I’m able to concentrate on reassuring myself instead of seeking it from him. I read somewhere that some people use a band around their wrist that they pull and release whenever they start having negative thoughts…to help remind and snap them out of the habit. It could be worth a try?