Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Insecurity and slow paced guy
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Lola
I will try to make this post short, but I could really use some advice.
I’ve been seeing this guy since January, it was great at the beginning, not very romantic since he is not the romantic type but the chemistry was amazing. Now with the corona pandemic, we are not seeing each other anymore (obviously). He lives 40 mins by tube away and he didn’t suggest to meet or come over (it’s the responsible thing to do anyway). It’s been 1 month since I last saw him but we talk daily. Our conversations are not very deep, he texts good morning, when he’s done with his work and we work together so occasional group chats. I have addressed my concerns that we never talk on the phone or video call, he said he doesn’t feel comfortable doing a virtual date. Now I know this might sound like BS but i believe him because when I addressed it he said he will video call me the next day and he did. It was a 1 time thing.
I know he is very slow paced, and he doesn’t communicate his feelings but I always end up insecure with him like if he didn’t send a good morning text in the morning, my whole day would be me looking at my phone screen. I think the problem is the combination between my insecurity (i’ve been ghosted last year by someone i thought is very genuine, i haven’t had closure with him yet – he just woke up one day and we didn’t talk to each other anymore) and him being very slow paced or cold.. He says he misses me occasionally, he says he misses hanging out with me and he makes sure to talk to me at least once a day but I always end up obsessing over him and checking my phone… I don’t know if the way is behaving (no phone and video calls, no deep conversation) is a red flag and I should end it or this is my insecurity getting in the way (and probably work on that).TraceyThis guy’s interest in you is minimal. Perhaps he is married or otherwise attached.
Please move on !
LolaHi Tracey,
This might seem the case, but we work together and we have a circle of common friends, plus prior to the lockdown we used to spend all fridays and saturdays together.. I highly doubt he has someone else, even when he visited his home, he texted me everyday from his parents’.. I might think he is not that interested yes.. not sure tbh
T from NYHere’s a BEAUTIFUL truth I have learned about dating and self love. YOU get to choose. Women choose the guy. Women choose the type of relationship they are in. Women choose the treatment they want to accept. Choose, choose, all day long. Men are WHO THEY ARE. There will be lots of acceptable, sweet, kind hearted albeit bit boring, unromantic, quiet guys swirling around in your universe. Just because something started off looking promising doesn’t mean you stick with it when it stops being satisfying. I cannot even express to you how glorious it is when I learned I can have what I want. I was single for a couple of years because I would just keep breaking it off with men that weren’t communicative enough or respectful enough or excited enough. Some would break it off with me (for whatever reasons they had). I didn’t put energy into it. I was disappointed a few times but never devastated over humans I’d only began to know for a few months.
Then finally, like a miracle the current guy I’m seeing calls me every single night before bed, he texts morning noon and night. He’s respectful and enthusiastic and pays for everything. Is he perfect? Heck no. And I’m still deciding if he’s the one for me and will be deciding for a long while. That’s what dating is. You CAN have the type of relationship you want. He might be a sweet guy, and who even cares if he’s interested or not if his communication style doesn’t make you feel cared about?
So I would say – accept him exactly as he is, continue to shop around while speaking to him or be brave enough to be alone while you stay open to what you realllllly want.
I hope this helps.
LolaThanks T!!! Appreciate the time you took to write this, it definitely gave me a new perspective. I will accept him as he is as long as it is convenient for my rational self…
NewbieTo add to T: its really a weird time to see a guys intentions when you cant meet. I find the he is married comment rather cheap and based on nothing. I dont like video calling myself so i do understand his view. My man doesnt like calling so we stick to talking through a head set while watching a movie. So lots of options but the other party has to be interested. You should stop pretending he is the only guy available to you. I dont see a clear yes on his part so really truc to focus on other things
kayeI agree with what the others have said but it does sound like you need to work on your insecurities. A guy not sending you a good morning text isn’t a reason to worry the entire day. There could be a thousand reasons why he didn’t get to send that text and 999 of them have nothing to do with your relationship. And there are going to be guys who ghost who you may never get closure from. But closure is a gift you give yourself! You get to decide that if a guy you are dating doesn’t contact you for a week, two weeks, a month, it is over and done and he can’t creep back into your life whenever he is horny, bored or the new chick didn’t work out! By the way, the rule is a week for me. If you can go a week without talking to me but call me your girlfriend, then just keep on going because I’m no longer your girlfriend!!
KhadijaI think T said it best! He is showing you who he is and his level of interest in you. I know the way things are now dating is tough but, people are still finding ways to connect virtually.
Don’t sit around waiting for him to call or text.
bookgirlDamn. That was some GREAT advice – sometimes we forget our own power to make decisions and choose. Men choose what they want ALL the time. We need to remember that we get to choose, too.
LolaI was trying to post but I guess something is wrong with the website.
Anyway, thanks for the words guys, really appreciate it.
I decided to call it quits with him because I think it’s really toxic the way it is now, plus I think he is still talking to other girls although we have discussed exclusivety prior to the lockdown..
The interesting thing is that I stopped replying to his texts, it drove him crazy. He kept texting me constantly, and he’s making it so hard for me to keep not answering. I don’t want to fall into the trap of this toxic relationship again. But also, i dont feel like telling him why I decided to end it. So many thoughts on my mind now.Liz LemonDid you actually end things with him, or did you just stop replying to his texts?
If you didn’t make it clear to him that you were ending things, but just stopped texting him, he’s no doubt very confused and wondering what the hell is going on. You’ve ghosted him, in that case.
I’m just asking because it’s not clear from what you wrote, whether you actually told him you were ending things, or just stopped replying to him?
Liz Lemon“I don’t feel like telling him why I decided to end it”– you’ve been dating this guy several months. I hope you at least gave him some explanation. No, you don’t have to go into a long explanation, but you should at least say something. “I’ve realized this isn’t working for me, and I’ve decided I want to date other people” or something, anything.
LolaNo I haven’t talked to him, I just stopped replying. He’s been texting jon stop since then and it’s killing me to see him like this. I realize this is ghosting and I think it’s wrong, but I am trying to protect myself because I know if I talk to him, even to say it’s over I’m going to fall back into the relationship. He is clearly interested from the way he is currently reacting.. Any perspective is helpful guys, I’m so overwhelmed.
NewbieYou didnt call it quits. Thats an absurd statement if he doesnt know that. I have no idea what you are doing here. If you feel its unhealthy for you to stay in this vague texting relationship then tell him that. Just be honest. Say you thought there was a foundation for a relationship but you dont see any progress so its best to go your separate ways.
Liz LemonThat’s awful! How many women post on this site who are beside themselves because a guy they’d been seeing for several months suddenly ghosted them without explanation? A lot. How would you feel if a guy did this to you?
This poor guy has no idea what happened. He deserves to at least know that you are no longer interested in pursing anything with him. He’s not some guy you’ve been out with a couple of times, he’s a guy you’ve been dating for months and communicating with daily.
You need to be an adult and end it. Newbie had some good suggestions for what to say.
You used the word “toxic” to describe the relationship but I don’t see anything toxic about it, other than the fact that you two are probably not a good fit? He’s slow paced and you are anxious about that. That’s not toxic, it’s just a bad match. However, what you are doing now– ghosting– is definitely toxic.
LolaThank you guys, you are right. I will talk to him tonight.
bookgirlGirl… now we need an update! I hope it all went well, at least.
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