Investing in me + Exclusivity Talk = Ghosting

I agree with you. If you are at the point where you feel that he and you are fully invested in a relationship with each other then you should not be dating others. I wouldn’t bring up the talk personally, because I feel it may scare some guys away. In my situation he just randomly called me his girlfriend after about two months of dating. I would just enjoy each moment you have with him, and see where it takes you from there along with not concerning yourself with a label at this point, since it has only been a few weeks.

If YOU DO want to bring up the exclusivity talk, I would do so in a care-free manner, just asking him where he thinks the relationship is going. Idk, that is just my two cents. I hope it all works out.

Whoa, hold on here! Sorry, but this is a very bad approach so early in the process and its not right or fair to make demands on people your dating. If YOU want to be exclusive that’s fine, but to expect a man to be exclusive before he’s ready or willing commit is not the right way to handle it.

You need to pull back here a bit because you’re moving way too fast. Dating is about getting to know each other and men date opposite women whereas they don’t date to get into commitments, they date to feel her out, test her in different situation, see how she communicates, handles people/issues and don’t even think about commitment UNTIL they FEAR potentially losing you to another man! If he hasn’t gotten to that point, then you will be taking a HUGE RISK by trying to control, use force or make demands on a man.

Just relax, enjoy your time, and until HE brings up getting exclusive with you, he’s free to date or see anyone he wishes, and so are you. Its not a race, so if you want to potentially lose this guy I wouldn’t have that talk so early. There’s an article on here about “how to ruin a budding relationship” that I suggest you read, and also “asking men to be exclusive” before you ever consider having this talk.

Victoria, I have a lot of respect for you for making it clear how you feel. I’m exactly like you, I don’t like to be in a relationship without knowing what it is we both want out of it. I like to know early on in the relationship whether a man is looking for long term or not. And whether or not we’ve had that discussion, I don’t expect someone who does the things you mentioned above with me, to go and do the same with another girl, simply because we are not “exclusive”? I mean, who even comes up with such concepts??? If someone is gonna do whatever they want just because we haven’t had the “exclusive” discussion, then they are just a cheat and lack morals.

I haven’t been in many relationships because of that, which I totally have no problem with, and I have also saved myself a lot of heartache. I’d rather not be in a relationship until I meet someone whose values and principles are like mine, than be in a so called “open relationship” where I wait for a guy to decide to be exclusive, and all the while be hurt. For me, there are things that I strongly believe and not willing to compromise on, and any guy who believes otherwise is not worth my time.

So honey, stay strong and don’t lose your principles and the right one will come! oxox

Hi, LAgirl!

Thank you so much for your feedback and perspective.

*****Your entire post is predicated upon the assumption that I didn’t tell him, on date one, that I am looking for a committed relationship…*****

…when, in fact, I did.

On date one I clearly said, “Just so we’re on the same page and before we go any further with this, I not looking to be a fling/friends with benefits/booty call kind of deal. I am looking for a committed relationship.”

Therefore, I feel that he and I simply discovered we are incompatible when it comes to this particular principle. And that’s OK! :) That’s what the dating phase is all about. ;) It simply is a discovery based in chance that he and I met and didn’t truly share the same perspective.

Again, and that’s ok! ;)

BUT, because we didn’t share that same perspective on something I believe to be a core value of mine, it was time for me to go our separate ways.

If I stayed in the relationship, I would have been: (1) compromising a core value, and (2) settling. Out of the millions of people in the world, I know there are people out there who would also feel uncomfortable in-exclusively dating someone like this (“like this” being defined in the parent post). So, it is simply a matter of time before I (again) run into someone who shares my same perspective—and that is something I am looking forward to! :) ?

Thank you, again, for taking the time to provide me with feedback!

Sorry but dating has nothing to do with values. Dating is simply a process where people are FREE to date any one they wish to see if they click, and if over a period of dates the guy likes you enough he MAY commit or he MAY NOT if he doesn’t have strong enough feelings. Commitment IS EXCLUSIVITY which means your BF and GF—Dating simply does not have those requirements and you can’t enforce them.

You can TRY to, but your odds of a man agreeing to such would be slim to none. The values comes in AFTER the both of you agree to commit and become a couple, but not before. You need to re-evaluate your thought process here because its not realistic and is manipulative, controlling, demanding, needy and desperate—not a winning dating formula.

Im curious as to what others would think an appropriate and self-respecting response to having a fully grown man hesitantly ask for or admit its a break up between you and before you know it have you in a sitting duck place by requesting a meeting about it in months to come to see if he wants it to be completely official for himself.

Sorry, the “?” after “Hi, everyone!” wasn’t supposed to be there. It was supposed to be a smiley face. Ha ha

Hi Nana,

To: “So honey, stay strong and don’t lose your principles and the right one will come! oxox”

Thank you very much for the support and love!

Victoria you outlined it well, but I stand fast by not EXPECTING a man to date only you exclusively because it IS asking for a commitment! This is not a VALUE, its a manipulative way to force a man into making a commitment to you. In majority of cases it takes a man three times longer than a woman to get there because they aren’t in touch with their emotions like we are. They often don’t know WHY, WHAT or HOW their feeling because of the way their brain’s wired.

For instance, if you were looking to buy a new pair of shoes and you kind of knew the type/style you want so you went to a bunch of different shoe stores trying some on until you finally found the right pair/fit. This is how guys process and deal with emotions, it not like BAM that’s exactly what I want. Although they may be very attracted they still don’t know how they feel until they go through a number of dates (test drives) before they even THINK about committing to them because of the time it takes for them to fully process their feelings.

A man can be attracted to several females and females can be attracted to several men which is what the dating process is about—deciding WHICH man/woman is the best fit for you in the long run. The “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is the best definition of dating because if you decide to only date ONE MAN AT A TIME you could potentially be losing out on meeting someone that would have pursued you BUT FOR you weren’t available to meet him.

Once you BOTH decide to commit, its just another round of “test drives” to determine if he truly is who he represented during the dating phase and vice versa. Dating is just a dog and pony show because both of you are on your BEST behavior and until you’ve had a lot of TIME to fully peel away this mask you don’t know if you got a lemon or not.

Continuation and correction: most times it’s NOT a “one size fits all” kind of thing, we should use our own judgement.

I personally don’t let a man treat me as an option, right from the start.

Ok i met a great guy about a month ago we’ve soent alot of time together along with many conversations. He’s even told me he falling in love with. So me trying to honest had to be honest and tell him the truth. Here goes, my wouldn’t allow me to work and put me through alot of mental and emotional abuse. I decided enough was enough and got out of it. So my ex agreed to help me financially for six months while i get on my feet needless to say i told the new guy the truth and he told me we were ok and he still loves me and about 6 hours later he need some time. I just felt putting everything on the table now would be better than him finding out later.. i asked if he’s having second thoughts about us and he not responding to me at

The difference is in how the overall mating process works between the sexes.

The woman does not pick the man and decide when it is time to be exclusive. Doing so is masculine and generally is not effective because the MAN has to decide if you ‘are the one’ he wants to commit to. Forcing the issue will usually just push the man away.

My fiance told me that men don’t seek out relationships UNLESS 1) he really feels it for her and wants her OR 2) he likes the woman he is with and she pressures him into a relationship. In the second example, he may go along with it initially because he likes being with her and isn’t feeling like looking for someone else right now. BUT, if she starts to show a side of herself he doesn’t like OR he feels trapped/loss of freedom, he will just as quickly disengage from that relationship.

In order for a relationship to work, in general it is best for the woman to wait until the man (men) pick her as their ideal and then from that pool of men, decide which one she wants. Unfortunately, many women don’t understand this and they decide that simply because they are ready and they like the man, that he should feel the same way or be on the same time line.

I believe that is what we saw happened here.. Victoria’s man initially accepted out of pressure, but then thought better of it, and decided it was not really what he wanted with her.