Is feminine energy a real thing and if so, how do you get it?

How did she describe you emasculating men through your banter? Are you being playful, or are you being kind of mean or insulting or letting them know you’re too independent to need anyone? Is this really about friend-zoning, or are you coming across as a little defensive, closed off, and with walls up?

I’m of the opinion that you shouldn’t dumb yourself down or waste time on men who don’t appreciate you and are therefore incompatible. If a man is too insecure to handle you, then toning it down at the beginning to pretend your personality is something it’s not is not going to keep him around later. Same if your senses of humor and playfulness aren’t compatible even though you see them as a big part of your own personality.

If the issue is instead that you’re emotionally closed off and trying to cover it with banter that isn’t landing and there’s a lack of openness coming through, that is something to work through. Good men want to be encouraged and not play games with women who are standoffish or hard-to-get. The right man for you will appreciate your directness, but there needs to be warmth and interest mixed in on your side, so that he feels good in your company.

Being secure in yourself is the best thing, as is having some of your own stuff going on in your life. But seeming to have such a full life that you won’t make room for dating can also be what’s “intimidating.” You don’t want him to think, “this woman is cool but she doesn’t need anything from me and if we date it doesn’t seem like she’ll make any space for me to contribute anything, so it’s pointless to build this connection.” I’d think about how you’re coming across in that sense before trying to figure out how to twist yourself in a way that’s unnatural to you because you’re making assumptions about what other people want.

It is hard, but it’s tied both to distrust in others and in feeling insecure in yourself… if you keep anticipating that you’ll end up disappointed (the bitter part coming out), it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So addressing that is about working on your own happiness and comfort in who you are so you feel better about yourself, which puts you in a better mindset to be more open and less judgemental when approaching other people romantically. There’s a healthy way to approach trust, which is don’t put yourself in unsafe situations or ignore bad vibes about people, but also don’t assume anything about a new person. Take the time to let them show you who they are. If they then give you a reason that they’re not safe to trust or be open with, walk away. But if you feel good enough with yourself to not default to the idea that nothing will ever work out so better to keep your defenses up and vulnerability down, the change in attitude will go a really long way, and you won’t have to worry about forcing yourself to be more feminine in a way that is unnatural to you (unless you are really looking to make that kind of change in yourself, which is totally fine as long as it’s what YOU want and you aren’t trying because you believe someone else may want you to change).

What may also help while you work through that is remembering that men like to lead at the beginning and want to be positively encouraged and feel good in your company. Your job is to sit back but be receptive, responsive, and interested while also observing if you even actually like him and the guy is good for you and a consistent person. So it’s not that much work, lean back for a bit while you’re first getting to know each other, and let the guys come to you the majority of the time until you are more established. Be playful but not defensive or insulting. Guys want to feel like they’re winning in life, so a woman who is self assured and independent but still makes space for him, appreciates him, and has joy in being whoever SHE is herself will create that positivity. Taking that approach to dating together with doing some more research on building up your own self esteem should help turn this around when the right guy comes along (maybe it’s the one you’re already talking to!).