Is he avoiding me?

One last part of the story to add, I’m so sorry this is going to be disorganized.

This addition is right *before* the very first conversation where he talked about himself having to leave because of his department and school housing. What happened was me returning happened to come up, and I mentioned rumors that my program was coming back to work soon, and he didn’t say anything afterwards (though by this time he knew the news about his program already). Then that same day, a different department at my school revealed their return date, which was going to be pretty late, and I assumed that was going to be the same case for me. He was like “aw it’s sad we won’t see each other soon” (not exact wording but along those lines). Then the same day, I got news from my program that it would be sooner. So I let him know. And then he replies about how he’s leaving the city to work remotely given his housing is ending. and the rest of the story is as described in the original post. I’m so sorry again for this mess of a post.

I don’t know if he forgets I exist necessarily. The expectation for when we lived far apart these months was chill and relaxed. So for instance, today he sent me a something super casual, and I responded with something lighthearted.

Up to a week before I found out about his housing situation, he was the same, excited to see me. Then, it seemed to change and I can’t tell now if he’s avoiding me, or at least why for whatever reason he’s not being extremely upfront about his schedule. It’d be so easy in my opinion to just say “hey i guess we won’t cross paths after all” and either end it politely or not end it (regardless of whether he was leading me on or still wanted to see me). But leaving things in the air seems like the more complicated option, whether or not he likes me. Did he maybe get more distant once he realized we wouldn’t see each other soon, and maybe stopped mentioning seeing each other once we realized that seeing each other was no longer a tangible possibility in the decently near future?

I don’t know about meeting/dating other guys. I’m open to it, but I don’t feel the need to settle down or anything. I’d rather explore whatever potential there is with this guy, as long as the potential IS there. I don’t know if I phrased this to convey my thoughts, I guess I think it’s a personal willingness thing for me. Especially in quarantine, it’s like why not? (My threshold to even begin to trust a stranger enough to meet up right now in a pandemic is very high).

If he does bring up that he will be leaving before I go back to my program, should I still leave it up in the air as to whether we still want to see each other in the fall? I want to basically ask him in an 100% open ended question whether we want to continue this in the fall, but I don’t know how to without it sounding demanding, or too open/available for anything he chooses. I don’t want to ask like if we “want to leave the option open” for the fall because that’s so unspecific, that basically is the equivalent of not asking at all.

I would want to say something like “I guess I’ll see you in the fall?” but in a neutral way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m assuming we already want to meet up. Please help with phrasing this question, I’d really appreciate it.

Firstly, this man is not thinking about fall and pressuring him to do so will most likely get a no.

But, he is already no-Ing you anyhow. You already know that from his wishy washy responses and lack of action.

Assume it is over. If he keeps contacting you. Totally ok to end it officially.

Don’t say anything about fall. It at best is needy. At worst trying to drive a reaction. I suggest you not initiate any contact at this point at all.

Stop caring why or what he is doing. The fact that you did not get more committed at 10 dates should have been a yellow flag if that was about 8-12 weeks of dating.

I get you are trying to read this man’s mind and rationalize his intentions but all it will do is drive you into a tizzy! Stop trying to force this. It really needs to flow organically and naturally for a man to step up, of his own free will, and move it forward.

Again, there are some obstacles in his path he is trying to navigate right now, so let him to it. That’s where his focus is, and that’s probably where it will remain until he sorts it out because he can’t predict the future no differently than you or any of us can. Relax, stop trying to force, pressure or push him into making *you feel better* because he’s not your BF, is under no obligation to keep you in the loop, maintain contact, or promise you anything. Just give him some space, and WHEN or IF he’s ready to reconnect with you, he will. Until then you need to learn how to let things you cannot control go; as trying to control people or an unknown outcome is a futile waste of time and energy that best reserved for own life, such as schooling, reconnecting, or making new connections with local students. You do you, and let him do him.

You said “we optimistically expected things to go back to normal sooner rather than later. I think it was understood that this wasn’t going to be a LDR, more like keeping in light contact.”

We all thought things would go back to normal sooner rather than later! Unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. But you said yourself that you went into this situation expecting to keep in light contact. Nothing serious. This guy is not your boyfriend. He also has a lot of other stuff going on with his education and his housing, so it sounds to me like that’s his focus. I don’t know that he’s actively avoiding you, but you are definitely not a priority for him at the moment.

I agree that you are way, way overthinking this. I doubt he “started seeing someone else” because there has been a lockdown/quarantine. Although, if he did, there’s nothing you could say about it, since you weren’t in a committed relationship.

I also agree that if you start pressuring him about fall he will just pull back even more. He clearly doesn’t want to be pinned down and promise to see you. So just let him be. Wish him a great summer & say you hope to see him in the fall. If you do that, you have a better chance of actually seeing him again in the fall. If you insist on trying to get together now, you’ll come off as needy and he will back away. He’s already demonstrated he’s not focused on getting together now.

You seem very fixated on this guy, I think you should try to date others over the summer. Whatever “potential” you two have isn’t very strong right now since he won’t even commit to seeing you. Potential is a two-way street; you can’t pester him into wanting to see you- that’s chasing a man. Never chase a man! He should WANT to see you. If he doesn’t, his feelings for you aren’t that strong.

I think you guys are right in that I’m king of looking for an answer here, like I’m trying to act chill about the fall but I guess I do want an affirmative answer. As you already can tell, I overthink, and quarantine definitely hasn’t been great for that. Maybe reassurance would just lessen how much I do that. I think because I overthink, I either need some form of reassurance or a clean break. Ideally I’d trust that he’d be upfront-if he were no longer interested, he’d just politely let me know (wouldn’t it be easier right now? He has excuses, and it’s quarantine so he can just send out a polite message and not have to do it in person). Or at least he would stop showing interest, maybe with short replies and not send me anything.

I guess I’m confused because he still keeps in light contact with me, and I really can’t tell if he’s not keeping me in the loop (because he doesn’t care enough or whatever reason) or if it’s because he doesn’t know himself yet. I don’t expect him at all to take me into consideration when he makes his plans for travel, I just think it’s not difficult to update me on the plan either way (he knows I’m reasonable enough to understand). Actually if I didn’t want to see a girl, I’d just lie from the beginning and say I was leaving a bit earlier than I really was. And I judge that he’s the kind of person who answers honestly when asked directly, so I don’t at all see the point of going a bit out of his way to express enthusiasm when I asked him about the fall originally. Like maybe it would’ve been hard to say a hard no, but he could’ve said like “yea, we’ll see about the fall!” but his response was not ambivalent like that at all.

I guess I’ll just continue with the light contact we have, see if he updates me on his situation. If he doesn’t, can I send something like, “I’m glad we left open the option of seeing each other again once things went back to normal, I was wondering if we wanted to continue doing that?”

Knowing him, I feel like I’d get an honest, thoughtful response. The downside would be it might force a no. I hope that this is phrased still open enough, that if he still does likes me, he would still be able to say that he wants to.

But also if he maybe never tells me his plans, then I have almost nothing to lose since it’s pretty much over. So maybe should I send something a little less polite/nice? Like basically letting him know I would have appreciated him telling me a bit earlier and I noticed him pulling back, does he still maybe want to continue in the fall and I’d hope he’d let me know either way.

Also, I know the choice is always in my hands whether to move on and just tell him it’s over and look for someone else or just enjoy being single. So even as I indicate interest in him, I do have this choice.

And i say no to your question too. Im glad bla bla. Go read the book why women love b*tches instead. Thats time better spend than getting some sort of confirmation from this guy. General rule: if he makes you unsure, changes are high he is not that interested