Home › Forums › Texting Advice › Is he doing the slow fade on me?
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by
Sonia.
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Sonia
Hello all, I met someone online about three weeks ago. We exchanged numbers. He is 7 years younger. I am 47 he is 40. In any event he was texting me every day almost all day but had not asked me out. I decided to take a step back because I felt his interest was low. The following day which was this Saturday he asked me out for coffee. It was a nice date. There were no immediate sparks but we did get along great.
We talked for almost 2 hours. When we left he told me “don’t be a stranger”, he then said text me when you get home to make sure you made it fine, which I did. He thanked me for meeting him, he said I was prettier in person and he could of kept talking to me another two hours (I was the one who decided to leave because we were not in a very nice part of town). He also said once we get more comfortable we can open up to each other more. We texted a few more times that night and finally said good night. Yesterday he texted me in the evening, just asked how my day was and what I did. We texted maybe three or four times back and forth. So now come today I haven’t heard from him, which again in the beginning he would text me all day every day. He hasn’t talked about a second date. Is he just trying to be polite and do the slow fade. The guy is not shy and I told him i enjoyed our date as well.
Raven
Sounds like he’s only looking for a hook up…
Sonia
Hello Raven, thank you for replying. I suppose you are right. We talked a lot in the three weeks prior to meeting and I was very specific about not wanting just a hook up but I guess a guy is going to try anyway. He was a complete gentleman. He didn’t try anything, not even a good night hug. We only hugged when we first met. I guess it’s better now than after something happened. It’s now 10:30pm here and I didn’t hear from him so earlier I deleted him from Snapchat. I don’t even know why he added me on there.
Maddie
Some people are looking for pen pals. These people who mostly just want to text can enjoy the feeling of being wanted / having companionship without actually being required to put in any real effort or commitment. If he kept texting but not meeting up, you’re right that either his interest in dating you was low or he’s not emotionally available for anything real, but he’d probably continue enjoying your attention for as long as you were willing to give it. Maybe he just wanted someone to talk to, and maybe he could eventually convince you to send suggestive photos even if you never hook up. Hence adding you on snapchat.
The point is, if you’re looking for something real, your instincts were good that he is not it. But I don’t think he’s doing a polite slow fade, as it sounds like he’s been pretty consistent in 95% talking 5% effort both before and after meeting in person. He’s just doing what gets him the interaction he wants and he can handle, which is texting without really dating. That doesn’t have anything to do with him being younger either (that shouldn’t make much difference in your 40s unless he is specifically looking to have kids with someone).
In general, comments on this website recommend not texting too much with men from online dating before actually meeting them, and it’s a pretty good rule of thumb. Lots of texting before meeting can create a false sense of intimacy, closeness, and attachment to a guy who hasn’t done anything to earn it, whom you don’t actually know yet.
Sonia
Hi Maddie, I think you nailed it. I definitely think he really liked the texting/talking because he didn’t have to put much effort into it. He only decided to meet me when I started pulling back. We talked about an array of topics, se definitely came up and while he didn’t directly ask me for suggestive photos he did ask me if I had ever sent anyone those type of photos. I appreciate your insight. I think I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t overthinking this and that I was right in not continuing any contact if he were to ever contact me again.
Maddie
Nah, trust your instincts. You’re doing the right thing to walk away when what you both want doesn’t match up and the guy isn’t putting in the effort! Especially at the beginning, when he should be showing you his best side.
Julie
Ugh – he sounds like the worst. He asked if You’ve ever sent pics to a guy before, within your tiny in-person window of meeting? He makes me cringe. You absolutely have someone who is beneath you. He is not a gentleman at all.
Whenever I would match with a guy, if he was interested he would ask to meet me within a few days. And I had a guy who was ok seeing me every 2 weeks with a casual check in text every day. It took me a few weeks to realize that was the pattern. And now you’ve seen the pattern.
Two red flags just off the top: not asking to meet you and then asking about pics when you’re at a coffee shop & you’ve never been physical.
I once matched with a guy who lives 60 miles door to door. That’s not convenient at all…we’ve been together almost 2 years now, putting miles on our car like it was our job. When they want it, they act.
This guy sucks. You don’t need a pen pal, especially one who is so low investment. He will keep this going as long as you allow it. He didn’t ask when he could see you again – good because you have zero interest in seeing again for sure!
I would rather you play solitaire in silence than reply to his low investment time wasting texts ever again.
Sonia
Hi Maddie, you are right. I was willing to give it a chance even when the physical attraction was not there because I enjoyed our conversations but I am not willing to do that for someone who was perhaps just looking for sex.
Sonia
Hi Julie, thank you for saying all of that. You know the funny thing is when we talked prior to meeting he told me he is sapiosexual. Clearly that turned out not to be true. I am not be the most intelligent person out there but I can hold my own and when he and I would talk have conversations and they would start gearing towards sex I just kept wondering if this guy actually knew what sapiosexual really meant or if that was just one of his pick up lines. Ultimately you are right. I have way too much going on to waste my time on someone like him, and even if I didn’t solitaire is definitely a more attractive option, ;-)
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