Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is he getting comfortable or pulling away?
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Jenna.
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Jenna
Joe and I have been casually dating for the last 3 months. He just got out of an abusive relationship and told me from the start he isn’t ready to get back into another relationship yet. I’m fine with that because I have some things I need to work out for myself too. Although we’re technically not in a “relationship”, we text each other every day, text good morning and good night, go places together, hold hands, hang out multiple times a week, make out, hook up, cuddle, talk about pretty much everything, and we’ve both told each other we’re not seeing or sleeping with anyone else. Over the last month, sex has been different too. In the beginning, it was more like hooking up – just sex. Now, it’s much more intimate and passionate. More kissing, more holding tight, more cuddling. After after, he holds me close and I put my head on his chest and he wraps his arms around me holding my head and stroking my hair. It’s starting to feel like a relationship is developing. He told me about 2-3 weeks ago that he does really like me and that he wants to have a relationship with me in the future, when we’re both ready. And I told him I feel the same.
In the last few weeks tho, I’ve noticed a few differences in him. He’s skipped sending a good morning or good night text here and there. And we’ve only hung out 1 or 2 times a week. We used to hang out 4 or 5 times a week. When we’re together, everything seems like before. There is still the closeness and feeling of a relationship developing. It’s just the hang outs aren’t happening as often, and we’re not texting as often throughout the day. He still texts daily, he initiates contact, and makes plans with me. The only difference is it is all less often than before.
Is this normal? Is he just settling in and getting comfortable? Or is his pulling away? Is this something I should ask him about?
AngieBaby
Yes Jenna it’s normal. Nothing wrong here. You’re both on the same page, which is huge. That all day every day texting stuff is a honeymoon period and doesn’t last. Sounds like you’re on solid ground, although when someone starts off with “I’m not ready for a relationship” you have to believe them and not develop big expectations. Not to rain on your parade… it’s still possible he could abruptly pull away if he gets scared, but it really sounds like, so far so good and that’s the best you can ask for! Rooting for you!!!
Mary
Jenna, that is a scary place yo be. Piull away and focus on yourself and stop being so available. That is how you have been. Don’t agree to get together at his whim.
Jenna
Joe let me know last weekend that he sees us together long term. He even suggested adopting a pet together. We both love animals and are considering adopting a cat. My family and friends think we’re crazy and moving too quickly, and from the outside looking in, I would think the same. But it all just feels right. Things with me and Joe are very natural. I’ve never felt more comfortable, safe, at ease, and cared for than I do with him. We support each other, have each other’s backs, and get along like best friends who share everything with each other. I’m in my late 30s and have never felt like this about anyone before. Is there any truth to the saying “if you know, you know”? Because it certainly feels like I KNOW about this relationship with this man.
angieBaby
An animal is a big commitment. Please wait longer before you do that. Like a full year.
You’re still in the honeymoon period. I hope it continues to go well, but you need to keep your head on straight for now. This is about the time when a guy can just pull back and disappear.
angieBaby
Go volunteer at an animal shelter together in the meantime.
Maddie
A week ago you weren’t officially together and were concerned he was pulling away, and today you’re adopting a cat? Look, I met my husband in my late 30s and it was pretty obvious within the first month that we’d eventually get married. But we didn’t act on that or rush through anything, it was just calm and stable and building a connection and good foundation for several months as we paced our way through milestones. When you know you know is fine, but still give yourself enough time for the guy to show HIS consistency before you take serious steps (moving in, combining finances, getting pets together). See what happens after you’re officially dating for a few months first and definitely experience how he responds to conflict and how you solve problems together before adopting a pet. If he’s the one for you, enjoying the next few months officially together without rushing it will be no big deal.
I also get that you should know what you want quicker when you’re older, but he also needs to be doing the work to heal from his abusive relationship, not racing into some good new honeymoon feelings. Jumping from let’s be slow and casual to let’s get a pet together isn’t the most emotionally stable approach on his end. Let him continue to show you he’s ready with words and actions and feelings all aligning.
Gaia
If you both can’t call it a relationship then you should not be adopting pets together. This is the point where you both should be able to say that you are boyfriend/girlfriend. If either of you can’t commit to that then in no way should you be considering living together, combining finances, or getting pets together.
I’d highly suggest the first step of figuring out what your relationship is before doing anything else.
Jenna
I told him I think it’s great that he’s confident enough in us and our relationship to want to take that step, but that it’s still too early. I do want to adopt a pet so I think I’m going to adopt a cat on my own. I’ve had cats before and this is something I’d been thinking from before I even met Joe. He is excited that I’ll have a cat that he can play with. He has offered to come by daily to take care of it while I’m at work. He says if all goes well, maybe we can get another cat in a year or two.
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