Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Is he ghosting??
- This topic has 43 replies and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by
Haley.
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Haley
Lala, yes thats a good reply. At first I wanted to meet up with him, and now I am even debating if I want to put myself through more heartache just to be dumped in public, and I will probably get a bit teary eyed. As I already know where this will be going.
Liz Lemon
I think Lala’s text is great. I agree with breaking it off over text just to get closure for yourself. I wouldn’t meet up with him. What for? It will just bring up all kinds of emotions for you and you could very well break down. Why torture yourself?
Normally I advocate for breaking up/talking in person but in this case, he has been so cowardly and flakey, he isn’t worth your time. Plus, you might arrange to meet to talk, and what happens if he flakes on you for that meeting, or backs out and cancels? You’ll just he more humiliated and feel worse!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My dad passed away from cancer. I know what you’re going through. So it’s extra sh!tty of this guy to be treating you this way, knowing about your personal situation.
Talkspicy
I think that is an awful text that make you look snarky. And he did not say he wanted to see you.
I suggest you have him call you:
“Glad to hear. I agree, we should connect. Give me a call tonight, I will be home at 8”
Get yourself ready for him to end it or not call at all. And if he does not call, let him go and never speak to him again, that makes you look better overall.
Haley
An awful text of me saying hey how are you? That’s snarky? I really don’t understand how that’s snarky as I was just hoping for an inkling of a reply. And I got it. And now I am still confused as to what to do. I’m trying to think of my self respect, and I truly think my self respect would be over text, but I am worried down the line I will feel like crap not doing it in person.
Kalyn
Because I worry about the well being of those I care for, I would have thought something actually happened to him when he didn’t even open the message. Ghosting is so crappy. Not everyone believes the worst of the ghoster…some might be worried that something bad has happened. I know this from experience.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I would probably talk to him out of sheer curiosity at this point. IF he breaks it off and you respond reasonably and graciously, he may even second guess his decision.
Liz Lemon
I think Tallspicy meant that the text Lala suggested sounds snarky, not the one you sent.
It’s up to you how you want to handle it. If you want to end it with him in person, then do so. If you think that will make you feel better about yourself (you mentioned self-respect). The thing you have to keep in mind is that you can’t control his actions- so whether he shows up for a meeting at all, or is flakey and strings you along about actually scheduling a time to meet, or even just ignores your request to see him- those are all possibilities. You have to be prepared for all that.
I still think there’s nothing wrong with sending him a text to end it, given the fact that after 2 months he has left you on read for days and sent such a pathetic response to the text you sent to feel him out. If you don’t want to send the one that Lala suggested, then something polite but clear….you’ve decided you are going to move on and date other people as he is not responsive or interested, and best of luck to him, etc. It doesn’t have to be snarky, just firm and clear. But again, there is no hard right or wrong here I think. You should do what makes you feel best.
Tallspicy
Yes, I meant the response. Sorry.
I think you want to see him because you think you can convince him otherwise. Remember, he did not ask to see you. Pushing to see him is controlling.
I suggest you make him call you or…
go with a text along the lines of “thank you for responding. It is clear we are no longer on the same page about what we are looking for or how to engage. Given that, I am going to opt out of further interaction. I enjoyed our time getting to know each other and best of luck!
That is how you end something with class and without snark.
Newbie
I personally feel there is nothing wrong with lala’s text. Its 100% true and not rude of crazy. Plus i think a polite text to a guy who prentended to want a relationship and bailed after sex doesnt deserve a ‘i wish you luck’. I wish you no luck but wraths on your penis and a bad breath. Well i wouldnt say that, i get the high road but clowns can be called clowns
Dangerouse
Lala text is downright hostile. Be dignified. You don’t need to crucify him. You already knew he wasn’t in to you. You are the one dragging it out of him.
Haley
We ended it over text this evening. He profusely apologized. And texted for two hours cleaning up any left over things to be discussed. I went into him and he acknowledged how he acted and kept saying how I don’t deserve any of this and he just inexplicably had a change of heart regarding a romantic relationship right now. he said he isn’t going to be trying for awhile, and needs to focus on other things in his career. He said how I did nothing to wrong for this to occur and how such a great girl I am, and how I deserve someone who doesn’t communicate poorly or has random changes of heart. I don’t know if I believe any of this, but I don’t believe he just took a long way out of saying how simply he isn’t emotionally available anymore. I will never know the exact truth. And I can’t overanalyze it anymore, it’s ended amicably. I really think from the way he described he just couldn’t see himself having the time or energy to be a good boyfriend, and said how he can’t take it to the next level, which would be commitment. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I need to take some me time. Basically he pulled “it’s me not you”. He reiterated how I did nothing wrong multiple times. I’m not mad at him. Being mad at him won’t do anything good. Karma will happen. And I need to move forward. Thank you all for input and advice. Ghosting is awful. Absolutely awful. I am just happy I spoke up. He definitely threw a lot of sugar on top of the breakup, I guess by letting me down easy. I just don’t wanna think about it anymore. What’s done is done. I know I’m a worthwhile person that deserves a lot more. And he’s right I don’t deserve to be treated like that. And he admitted these faults of not speaking up earlier but clearly he couldn’t act on them….as clearly not emotionally mature yet. Whatever. Amicable breakup. Moving forward.
Kad17
I’m glad you got closure and got to discuss in person. At least you won’t be spending your time and energy wondering why he didn’t reply. He’s clearly someone who doesn’t know what he wants and you deserve better!
LaFrance
Haley,You’re still a queen!..You may feel played but he’s the one who lost!..As long as you enjoyed what you guys had while it lasted then this wasnt in vain..You hold all the cards babygirl..Trust & believe he’s going to try & come back,they always do!..When he tries tell him we tried that I’m straight on you in that manner..I understand that you’re down,WE’VE ALL BEEN WHERE YOU AT,therefore you can only go up from here..You’re in school making something of yourself that alone speaks volumes..You’re doing good in life!..Keep up the good work & screw what’s not important..I wish you happiness & the best of wishes for your daddy..
Lane
Haley, I understand your hurt and frustrated but his feelings are just as important as yours are, they just weren’t strong enough, and that’s how life works. You can’t make people feel a certain way. He didn’t know going in what the result would be, so he didn’t play you, he had the right intentions its just that he wasn’t able to fall in love the way he needed to in order to continue.
I know it hurts but the good news is that you are now open to meet someone who’s feelings won’t wane. It may be the next guy or it may be the next 5, you just can’t know because the heart doesn’t always know either until its had time to figure it out.
You now have closure. Going forward try to lower your expectations and be aware that the first few months of dating is based on infatuation that never develops into a deeper level of love. He’s right in that one needs to go beyond that stage in order for them to continue, and why I think you are missing a very important point and lesson here because your ego is hurt and not able to accept the truth yet.
My son is 27 and has never been in love. I told him when he meets that lady he will know, it will feel very different than the feelings you’ve had for the one’s you’ve been with thus far. He will eventually meet her, and it has nothing to do with the ladies as he even said they are great but he just couldn’t fall in love in the way he needed to in order to keep seeing her as that is a necessary element in order for a man to progress it past the infatuation stage and beyond the six month mark.
I know it sucks but you have learned something from this experience—knowledge is power! :o)
tammy
glad you did send that initial text. I guess he isn’t that bad a person after all. he just dint know how to say he wants out. the minute you threw him a stick he grabbed on it to come out clean. ofcrse it hurts bec you guys just broke off. but now atleast you wont look bac and wonder what and why. it may take some days but you will be fine. just cut off all contact with him for the present to speed up your moving on process. all the best
Anon
Good for you to reach out and get closure. Ghosting is awful- you are right about that. I don’t think you’re missing any point and I think you understand the truth. Getting over a relationship takes time. As a woman to another woman- we need to support each other and most women are sensitive to silence, harsh words, and criticism. Just like the above poster mentioned that you can’t make people feel a certain way- which is so true- you can’t toughen women up by saying things in a tougher way. I believe you meet people where they are empathize and show compassion when you support them.
anon
Men are definitely the emotionally weaker sex.
He did step up in the end, it probably was very hard to let you go, as you sound like a great catch. I think sometimes the best women experience the most jerking around because men are loathe to let them go because they know how rare we are.Most importantly, it is almost never anything you did or could fix.
Mitra
Been there ! These things happen. Don’t take it personally . Good things await . He is clearly not your person. Better to find out early than after a year or two when you’d be really emotionally invested …
Khadija
I’m sorry this happened to you but, at least you got some closure.
Sadly, this is the part of dating that sucks. We get excited and want something more but, things don’t always pan out.
One day you will meet a guy that is crazy about you and won’t disappear. For now just focus on you and stay out of contact with him.
Don’t feel tempted to check on him and he may text you, no need for a response. Its over.
Wishing you all the best.
Haley
Just wanted to say thank you all for the input and advice, it is nice that women can help each other through these times. This is definitely won’t be the last thing that ends up like this, as this happens in dating all the time. To be fair, the writing was on the wall within the past month. And it’s amazing what our gut instincts can pick up immediately. I had a feeling he had mixed feelings for awhile. He’s a good guy. And that’s what sucks. This was the first thing I was open too after a bad breakup and I spent 8 months just getting to know myself again, and I am proud that I was able to be open to this guy and myself 100%. I am still sad and I keep finding myself wanting to read between the lines, I think I have to delete the messages and any pictures I have to move on. I realize all the points that were made, and I know his feelings were just as valid as mine. I even said that to him! He did say he wouldn’t ask me to be FWB and he “respects me too much for that, you’re not a sex object to me”. Anyways. I wanted to say thank you again for all the kind words. I am going to take some me time!
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