Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is he going to leave?
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Anderson.
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Lauren
Hi, just after some advice here. It’s going to be a long post so be warned.
So me and my bf have been together for nearly 11 months, been seeing each other just after Christmas 2019. I’m 23 and he’s 26, both working full time. In LDR for the past 3 months as I moved for a job after graduation. I kind of regret it and will be moving back after my professional training contract ends.
Long story short, I’ve met his family but my family hasn’t but already made up their minds that they don’t like him as he earns less than me. His family is nice, and he always talks about me. Where I always have to hid my side of the family and because they are always involved in my life, I need to lie and pretend I’m seeing a friend or only met at a time most convenient for me.
My family is a bit insane and controlling but I don’t want to cut ties with them as they’re family after all. This is my first relationship and I’ve told my bf that I’m not ready for sex and want to wait. We’ve been intimate in other ways but just not done it. I’m really not ready with everything else going on- difficult family drama, work stress and covid – I’m going through a really tough time at the moment. I’m sure that everything will be fine but just need to get through this rough patch.
Anyway, I can tell he wants to but he respects my wishes and never do anything to push me and make me feel bad. I still haven’t made up my mind if I want to wait till marriage and I’ve told him about it in May/June. He’s still with me so I guess he respects me?
My question is do guys leave if they can’t get sex from a relationship? My best friend said if he can’t wait he’s not right for me. She said if I wanted to wait then go for it and supports me fully. But I’m scared to lose him but at the same time I don’t want to force myself to do something I don’t want to do just to keep him. I’m not against sex or anything, I love being intimate with him in other ways but I’m a bit traditional and grew up in a conservation family. Apart from that, my family is not keen on him. I worry that it’s not going to work. We are both putting in effort to work, especially him because he is more experienced and the calmer of us two if that makes sense. He’s mature and respectful.
When I was unsure and had doubts about him at the start (for like 4 months) , he was patient and gave me space but remained persistent and chasing me. All my doubts slowly went away and all at once I was in love with him. Now I don’t want to lose him because I want to wait and he has to be patient wih me because of family drama.
Newbie
I cant answer that question but i know i would leave. There is no way i would for marriage to have sex. But the one thing that would make me run even faster is if i were a secret to the family as im some sort of second hand person. Not worth to fight for, not worth to tell the truth for. So he is respectful but i think you are not. The fact your family knows he makes less than you means you told them that. Thats none of their business. Als long as you are fine being controlled by your family you can never be truthfull with him.
Im really sorry and i appreciate your honestly in disclosing but i wouldnt stayLiz Lemon
I agree with Newbie. I myself would not wait for marriage to have sex. I wouldn’t wait 11 months, marriage or not. But I’m not him, and what he chooses to do is up to him. So there’s no way we can tell you whether he’ll leave over sex or not.
But the thing that’s more disturbing is the fact that you allow your “insane and controlling” family so much power over you. That you have to lie to them and say you’re seeing a friend when you want to go see him. That you’re not willing to put your foot down and fight for him. How can you be thinking of marrying a guy that you can’t even be honest with your family about seeing? And why did you tell them he makes less money than you? That’s not their business. There need to be boundaries between you and your family when it comes to your relationship. Your family is not dating this guy, you are. So they should not be allowed to control things. Honestly I would break up with someone over that. I wouldn’t appreciate being hidden or treated as lesser than.
Anderson
If your bf is conservative just like you, chances are higher he’ll wait for you until you’re ready. When I’ve been serious and cared about a gf, waiting hasn’t been a dealbreaker. Difficult, Sure. Frustrated, sure. Want to roll onto the edge of the bed and curl into the fetal position, sure. But it’s doable. For me, it’s priceless when a girl I love decides herself, without my pressuring or manipulating her because that can potentially be so easy it has no value or appeal, that she’s ready for XYZ.
Simply based on what you describe of him… that he’s persistent but doesn’t pressure nor make you feel bad… I would say that’s a good sign. But really you should ask him this question directly and how he feels about you waiting.
Bottom line, never force yourself to do anything just to avoid losing someone. A male will leave you if he’s made up his mind, irrespective of if you put out or not. There are thousands of women out there, probably thsi very second, trying to sex a man into staying with them and I’ve not seen heard it work, nor has it worked on me. All this means is you have an opportunity to be true to yourself.
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