Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is he just not into me? Mixed messages…
- This topic has 53 replies and was last updated 6 years ago by
Bony.
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Ewa
I agree with Devil’s Advocate even though I know most women would say don’t message him.
I would ask if we are still on , that way at least you will knowOk
I would not message him. You keep doing this. Let him message you first and see if YOU are still available. Not the other way around, if he made plans it’s up to him to confir,m and give you the details. If he hasn’t flaked on you to date there is no reason to assume he will now. You are overreacting and are too attached.
Lexy
Well he’s somewhere here in the buildings. Didn’t reach out to me.
And if I do reach out to ask if we are still on for tomorrow, it may annoy him more since it’s obvious he’s hoping I would take the hint. Him being silent speaks volumes.
sisi
OP – I did this chasing a few times, and trust me, it never works…
By the way, asking for lunch when it is only 6 weeks in, is chasing….
Ok
The problem is that once a woman has sex with a man, many go into girlfriend mode and beleive they are now in a relationship. It doesn’t work that way for men. No one knows why he didn’t take you up on the lunch offer. Could be he is too busy. I tend to agree that a man acting like a boyfriend would at least give you a call, maybe stop in for a few minutes to just see you and say hi. But nine of us know where his head is at or his personality. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions yet. Chill and see what happens. Maybe he sees no need to have lunch since he has plans tomorrow with you.
Honeypie
Wow- why does this guy command such emotional power and head space over you? Address this! He isn’t meeting your needs here! Do not forget that! You are left anxious and preoccupied…. move away from him yourself- stop leaving it to him as to where this goes
Amber
Dear Lexy,
I know how you feel. Getting invested so early in the game is a bag filled with bittersweet emotions. One minute thrilling, the next it just sucks!
All these ladies are right. Just hang in there. At least until the weekend is over. If you haven’t heard from him by Monday, you have your answer. Then you could message him, but no amount of messages will stop him from losing interest.
One thing I have learned is that if I start panicking and write to this forum about a guy’s interest levels, I know the answer.
Give it a few days…. go shoppong, dancing, see your friends, have a laugh…
Good luck xx
Lexy
So he was in the office and sent me a quick text saying he was there. Then another later that said “looking good” cause I passed by him but we really couldn’t interact. That was all I got, no mention of tomorrow.
I finally texted him asking how his day was going and what his plans were tonight. As I mentioned before, we both don’t have our kids tonight and every Friday that we don’t have our kids, I have been invited to his house. He said he was just going to watch his kids game then head home. Asked my plans and told him I wasn’t sure and didn’t have any yet. He basically just said he hopes I have fun tonight. Then I asked if we were still on for tomorrow as I hadn’t heard anything about it. He said yes but probably may “skip his friends game altogether”. This was the game he invited me to, and I was finally going to meet his friends. So I asked him “Oh you’re not going there now?” And he then said if he does, then it would be very quick, he would just “stop by on his way to my house”. The reason I asked if he was not going to that game was because that and the second game we were going to watch together overlapped a bit. So I was trying to figure out if he was still planning on going because then he would be missing the first part of the other one with me.
So yeah, not looking good because now I’ve been uninvited to the game and he didn’t ask me anything about tonight.
Lala
Yeah this doesn’t sound great and he seems to want you at an arms distance. You need to stop everything to guage his interest. As of now he is not initiating anything in terms of seeing you so that is not good. Pull back and check you emotions.
Let the fact that he isn’t into you sink in and gather your pride and confidence and give him the opportunity to chase or fade.Amber
Looks like he’s fading. I don’t want to make any assumptions, but there is a chance that he may a) cancel his plans with you on saturday b) still meet up with you, have sex and totally fade after that.
I am so sorry to sound so negative, but please be prepared. I might be wrong – I hope I am.
What I’m trying to say is, you need to decide what you are going to do now to protect your heart. Follow your gut!
Blue
Sounds like he was enjoying the casual sex and meet ups but when you brought up dating sites and exclusivity he deciddd he is not there with you on that. It may have took him back so he responded affirmatively when you were there but after realized you want more than he does right now. Not stopping by at work and cancelling the meet with friends is indicative of this. Although you said originally if you didn’t text you would never hear from him in between dates. Men act great all the time when on dates but then don’t think much about you until next time. While it’s still early and only sex weeks this manisnt acting infatuated with you which is how a man usually acts in the beginning. Sorry.
Honeypie
Sorry to bang the drum again but you continue to write about how HE is acting and what HE seems to want. I’ll say it again- this man whom you barely know or owe anything to at his stage is leaving you feeling anxious and preoccupied. At what point do YOU take control about what YOU will and won’t have? Stop looking for him to choose you ! Hoping for any sign that you are worthy for him to want to spend time with you or has thought of you by texting etc. He is not feeding or meeting YOUR needs so step the hell away! You should be the one making the decisions here- not the passive party sitting in hope he wants you. Why would you want a man who doesn’t meet your need? Dispose of him. Take control- you’ll feel way better. He’s backing away so it’s for you to decide if what you left with is good enough and to back off yourself if it isn’t.
Honeypie
Just read that back and wanted to say it is harsh! But it is true and I am single and going through these types of things myself so I speak with current experiences!
I used to do what you do and it isn’t healthy! I now think whatever. I happy on my own – and that tryly is the key. Its taken 18 months to say that, and actually you could argue six months still in denial at the beginning hoping my ex would suddenly come back! But now I am settled and happy with being me and being on my own. I date, and I enjoy it, but I absolutely do NOT hinge anything onto it and if it develops then great- if not I really don’t care as I don’t get attached or give it much thought.
I had a couple of dates with a really nice guy, and we would text and chat. I’ve noticed his texts have reduced, and he sent me one yesterday morning which I answered in a light way with another question in response to his. He hasn’t responded, and guess what? I had hardly even noticed till I read and wrote these two posts to you. Why? Because I hardly know him and it isn’t important in my grand picture of life. He may text an answer or he may not, but I won’t message him again, why would I? You see what I mean? Women need to stop with all this attachment and readings into things and just be more floating and light and keep these things in proportion at these early stages.Lane
You’re in the throws of riding the oxytocin crazy train. Your trying to box him into a relationship which is not pleasurable to the receiving party if they haven’t made their mind up about you yet. He was still in the ‘getting to know you” (uncommitted phase) and hadn’t made his mind up about you yet and when you pulled ‘the trigger’ by asking for exclusivity too early he instinctively ran away from it.
Men bond differently than woman do. Men look for certain traits of a woman that are tangible (personality) and intangible (energy) that a man NEEDS in order to form a bond (relationship) with her. Sex is just one of many where he also looks at how she communicates and expresses herself with him and others; how she operates on the social spectrum (gets along with others), their lifestyle, values, likes/dislikes, etc. Every man has his own set of criteria (needs) and bases his decision off them but he needs TIME to do that and when you don’t allow the man enough time to decide (can take a few months) its going to backfire.
Trust me if you naturally have what he’s looking for a man will happily pursue a relationship with you, if you don’t, he won’t—it really is THAT SIMPLE!
If you attach easily though sex its probably best to hold out until you know what he wants. A man who is will start the talk (discussions) of his own free will but you need to still be cautious as it could be a case of ‘infatuation’ whereas women get tripped up on that too easily only to be dropped and left in puddle of hurt. Until you know its LOVE its best to wait it out as its much CALMER than infatuation (which is what your feeling)—like they say “patience is a virtue” and when it comes to dating patience is your best friend.
Anne ohio
Geez, you didn’t take the advice here. You managed to run into him, then texted asking all kinds of questions. Geez.
Give him a chance to pursue you.
Newbie
Its not a bunch of crazy texts. I fully agree with lane, its the oxytocin or whatever its called. I experienced it once and even if you are aware of it, it takes a while to wear off. Its a b/itch. The only thing that helped me was saying: i dont want a man that doesnt want me, over and over and over
Newbie
Did he give you the im busy, i wont make it excuse?
Emma
I am not surprised one bit. I knew that you’d do the opposite of what was advised to you. This is ALWAYS the case. But now you KNOW.
Did you gain anything by contacting him and asking him about the plans for tomorrow?
Again, and again – women please for the love of God understand and accept the fact that if a man is into you, if he is interested, if he wants to see you, you WILL KNOW that, without a doubt.
But I also know that nobody is going to listen until they have their pride stepped on a few times. Then the lesson will be learned.
Why is it so hard to understand that if YOU want to see HIM, YOU contact him. Then what is preventing him from doing the same? NOTHING at all. So if he is NOT contacting you, then it is not because he is ‘busy’ and pushing for contact is only going to hurt your pride. It will not make him change his mind or fall for you.
In fact, only if you stop giving him any attention, then there is a chance you can reignite his interest. But women do the opposite. I am so tired of this and I’d like to understand why. Why can’t women be a little smarter and a little more patient? and not jump the gun and start chasing the man who is distancing himself from them. Why do they always dive in denial?
Amber
I totally agree with Emma.
I’m dating a guy at the moment who is absolutely showing all the signs of interest. It’s so effortless. He contacts me, he wants to spend time with me, he has even moved around a few things in his busy schedule to see me this week, because we won’t be seeing each other again until next weekend.
And if I compare this to the guy before him, I’m almost laughing at myself. His actions, or lack of them, spoke volumes and shouted low interest. And weeks later I was still pondering about his feelings for me when I should have given him his marching orders ages ago!
Simple as, high intersest and we would not worry and writing to this forum, because the man would be pursuing, making contact, locking down dates etc.
sisi
OP -any updates please?
Lexy
Hi everyone, an update… He ended up skipping he game last weekend so he can come visit me early. We had a wonderful time, he was so affectionate in public, even down to eating with one hand and holding my hand with the other as we sat next to each other at the restaurant. It was a wonderful evening and he left mid-morning the following day to pick up his kids. Prior to him leaving, he mentioned he would like to see me mid week, probably tomorrow.
The whole dating website thing was eating away at me after he left Sunday, then yesterday I saw his profile showing him at a different location which meant he went on again. I couldn’t take it anymore, just wanted to get it off my chest and ask him what he is truly looking for and his intentions. Like I said, I think he prefers communicating over text, but he’s lousy at composing them because they seem emotionless, very few words. I also preferred to just ask him over text so he can have time to read it, to think about what I said and so it’s not so confrontational. I basically told him I was on the site deleting my profile (which I did), and noticed he was still on and likely did it when we were together. I asked what his intentions were and if he was still looking because I truly enjoy my time with him and only want to see him. And that I hope the person I’m sleeping with isn’t sleeping with others as well. He responded saying he was not and he isn’t sleeping around and wouldn’t want to be with a girl who sleeps around as well (even though I didn’t ask him if he was sleeping around). And said he didn’t go on the site when he was with me, he’s not looking for others. And he believes the site updates every few hours (which is a lie). But I think he said that to spare my feelings and just knew that was disrespectful to open the site when he’s with me. I responded telling him if was uncomfortable for me and I’m sure he must’ve felt uncomfortable as well but I was curious and just wanted to tell him what I was thinking. Then he said he was glad I brought it up, and wrote “I deleted it”.
I can only trust what he says, I can no longer see if he’s on or telling the truth because I’ve deleted my profile. But I never asked him to delete it so he didn’t have to come out and say that he did. We had a few more exchanges which were nice and non-confrontational then the conversation ended as he was at work. I was sure he was going to ghost me after that but he surprised me with reaching out last night to wish me a good evening and seeing how things were.
Since it seems like he was ok with our conversation and he reached out last night, I shot him a good morning text today and wished him a good day at work. I got the same thing but that was it. And no mention yet of us seeing each other tomorrow as originally planned when he left my house a couple of days ago. So I’m not sure if we are still on but again, I wish I knew so I can plan around it. I’m assuming it’s best I don’t ask again, like last time, if we are still on? Hard to know yet how he feels after that exchange yesterday…
Jen
It’s not confrontational to speak in person on this topic. Texting is the worst. You can’t see body language or facial expressions, you can hear tone of voice. Now you are still confused because sharing sentences on text didn’t convey feelings or anything. Plus you know he lied about the dating app automatically updating.
That’s a red flag. I would not have deleted my dating profile before having this conversation. Maybe he just blocked you and didn’t delete. That’s why talking person is better than text.
Did he say why he decided not to bring you to the game with his friends?
If he said probably tomorrow that isn’t a planned date. It is a tentative one. No. I would not ask him. See what he does.
And I would stop with the good morning text. You are trying to gauge his real interest. 6 weeks is so early for a man to make a decision like this. Some men jump right in but this man doesn’t sound like one of them. A man should be the one showing you his intentions. He doesn’t have to be asked. Pull back, and observe. Do you know if he is even looking to be in a relaitonshiP? Have you had this discussion yet?
sisi
OP – lukewarm is the word I would use to describe him…
Again, because you brought sex in way too early, and you initiated way too much, you put yourself into this spot that you have to guess his intention now….
Learn a lession and do better next time…
Amber
You’re chasing Lexy…
Newbie
Yeah dam i hoped this update would have been better. It may will though. You had a nice weekend but youre leaving ko room for the guy to claim you as his. This will keep you wondering for months to come. I dont know what you have to do next but please let him chase you
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