Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is he letting me down easy?
- This topic has 15 replies and was last updated 4 years, 3 months ago by
Elle.
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Elle
Hi ladies!
I need a little advice/take on things. I started talking to someone on a dating app (he super liked me in early July, we chatted a little but then I stopped replying once I started seeing someone else). I then messaged him back in late September with my text and explained I had to go back to my home city and wasn’t checking the app much.
Anyway, he messaged me and he seemed quite nice. However, he lives in another city about 2 hours away by ferry but was back later in the week so we scheduled a date for Thursday. It went really well, he’s very intelligent and a bit of a nerd, he basically builds robotics for medical equipment. At first he didn’t seem to me that he was into me, but surprisingly after dinner he told me he really liked me and would like to see me again. We hugged and he asked if we could kiss. I said okay, and it was really good!
I asked when he was going back to his city, he said he had a trip booked on Saturday but asked if he could see me tomorrow. I told him I was busy until 8ish but would try to squeeze him in. Long story short, I invited him over after I was done and he came over around 9.
We talked, it was good conversation, and somehow we started making out. Eventually he asked to go to my room, and I said yes. I didn’t think it was such a bad idea since he was leaving for a couple weeks and I was curious if we had chemistry in that department. We definitely did. Afterwards he asked if we could cuddle and we did. I asked if he wanted to stay the night, he said he did and we were quite cuddly until the morning. In the morning, we cuddled and he stayed until he had to board the ferry.
Anyway, once he left I requested to add him on Facebook (looking back I shouldn’t have done that! But I have a lot of people on my social media and it doesn’t mean much to me) and Instagram. He didn’t accept right away, but I didn’t think anything of it until now. A day or so later we messaged back and forth and he let me know he was coming back into town the next week. Since I knew it was his birthday during that week I asked if he had any fun plans (maybe he thought I was coming on too strong?) and he didn’t reply for a few days.
On Saturday I sent him a light text saying I’d had a busy week, wondering if he had too and just wanted to say hi. He didn’t reply and later that night I had a little too much to drink and called him at 1am leaving a silly voicemail. Nothing too bad, but I still shouldn’t have called so late. Later the next day he messaged me “ Hey! Apologies for the radio silence. Long week indeed. A lot happened… When I was in Van last week my mom was talking about putting her house up for sale. She’s transitioning out of a 4 year chemo recovery period to finally seriously interviewing for work, and decided she needs to sell her place at the same time. Long story short it’s all happening really quickly and it’s already on the market and I basically committed to helping her buy another place. I think that the mortgage, house search and helping her move and reno (hopefully very minorly) will probably be most of my next two months, so I’m realistically not sure when I’ll get a chance to hang again :(“ he then asked about my work and what my plans were for thanksgiving.
I didn’t initially reply, I figured it was just a polite way of pulling away. I mentioned it to my friend and she said it was definitely possible that’s what he was doing, but it was also possible that he was telling the truth and by him asking following questions he was still trying to keep in touch. I replied (rather rushed today with a couple typos…) “ Hey, sorry about the late night call the other night…. a tad foe many tequilas for me. No worried, my mom went through the same thing so I get it. Do what you gotta do, I hope it goes smoothly as possible!” And what my plans were.
I guess now I’m just wondering if there’s anything else I should say, or just leave it. I feel silly that he obviously took some time to message me what was going on for him and I just replied with silly typos. Do you think he was just letting me down easy which may or may not be due to my blunders or do you think he was being honest? He did mention his mom on our first date and told me his dad is not in the picture and is an only child, so I don’t think he’s lying about how busy he is, but maybe he just wanted to make it clear that I am not a priority?
Anon
It seems to me that the first red flag was pushing to see you late in the evening and asking to go in your bedroom. That appears like he’s pushing for sex and he got that. Now, he’s not really putting in any effort and suddenly has a list if things he has to deal with?? He knew that he would have to deal with many of these things when he came over to your house. Do not call him again, he is not making any effort and putting up road block after road block to tell you why this won’t work out between you. It’s over and you should look for someone new.
Newbie
You started to initiate right after sex without him replying much and when he finally did he told you he cant hang anymore due to sick mom. Let men date you, not the other way around and pace them instead of nudging them
Poppy
Yes he is letting you down . Gently or not he is not available . He doesn’t seem like it ran too smoothly anyway . I’d leave this now .
Elle
Thanks for your replies everyone! Based on what I described, do you think this is due to my actions or do you think this is someone that isn’t interested in a relationship?
He told me his last 3 year relationship ended in January/February of this year. He mentioned that it was an open relationship for the last few months and he had an open relationship in the past, I can’t remember if it was the one before that or not. I’m not sure if any of this is relevant, but I suppose I found it odd that he showed so much interest when we marched months ago, replied right away after I hadn’t talked to him for months, and then told me how much he liked me after the first date, to then decide to bow out.
Liz Lemon
I don’t think the situation is odd at all. It sounds to me like the guy just wanted sex, he got it, and now he’s not interested in anything else. He showed a lot of interest and was very responsive to you before you met in order to get your attention; it doesn’t mean that he had an interest in dating you or having a relationship. You shouldn’t assume that just because someone is responsive over a dating app, that they are interested in a relationship with you.
I agree with what the other ladies have said. He’s not making any effort. He was letting you down easy when he explained to you about his mom. If a man wants to date you, he will not be too busy, he will find a way. When I met my bf he was working 50-60 hour weeks, managing his parenting responsibilities (he shares custody of his child with his ex wife), and his mom was about to have major surgery (and my bf was the family member responsible for taking her to the surgery, caring for her at home afterwards, etc). He still found time to talk to me every day and take me out 1-2 times a week. My point is, if a man wants to date you, he makes an effort and finds time. He doesn’t offer a list of excuses about why he can’t.
If he just got out of a 3 year relationship earlier this year, it’s possible that he might not be ready for another relationship. Or maybe he just doesn’t want one with you. I don’t mean that to sound harsh– my point is, it’s pointless to try to figure out why this guy doesn’t want to see you. Who knows? Just let him go and move on.
In the future I would suggest not sleeping with guys right away, like on the 1st or 2nd date. The way you gauge a guy’s interest is going out on multiple dates with them with no sex and seeing if they increase their effort/attention over time. A guy who only wants sex will fade away after a couple of dates with no sex. A guy who is interested in dating you and getting to know you will stick around and be consistent in his attention to you.
Elle
Thanks for your reply. That’s what I was thinking too. I mean I sort of got the impression after our first date and when he asked to kiss, that’s what he was looking for. I suppose I just figured maybe if we were compatible in that department as well, it was possible he would want more.
If you’re saying he probably wanted that only, does that mean that even if I had waited, he would have probably bowed out after anyway, even if it was down the road?
I ask because on one hand I sort of regret it, yet on the other I don’t. We were safe, he asked my consent before and during, and he was very generous and very good (probably experienced!) in that department and usually I don’t enjoy myself physically that much the first time with someone, but I did with him. I suppose I’m just a little bummed he didn’t want to see each other again, but I guess that’s his business.
Lastly, do you think it’s alright how I left the last message, even with all those typos? I’m kicking myself for that… I’m usually very good at writing and he’s so intelligent I feel silly that I did that. I was thinking of just adding that I was with family during thanksgiving and that’s why I was rushed, and that I forgot to mention I liked the book he recommended to me, or I could wait until the 20th to wish him a happy birthday. Orrr I could just leave it! Embarrassment and all haha
Ss
He has lost interest. It doesn’t matter why. You had sex and it seems from what you say you came on quite strong afterwards and he pulled away. Now he says he has too much going on to be dating and this may well be his reason, or he could have just wanted sex, or he might have realised he doesn’t see more with you or even have met someone else. The reason doesn’t matter but his interest in you is being communicated loud and clear- he isn’t interested.
You said you stopped chatting with him for a while as you were pursuing things with someone else… its no different really aside from you met up twice and had sex but you are still essentially strangers just as you were when you stopped chatting to him and then reached out again.
It doesn’t sound like either of you have done anything wrong here – it just hasn’t worked out.
If you want to take some learning from this it is not to initiate when a man pulls back. Posters on here often say actions + words = truth. His actions (withdrawing after sex) and his words (I’m too busy right now) are clearly saying he isn’t interested
Liz Lemon
Leave it. Don’t contact him again. The typos don’t matter, lots of people make typos when texting. It has nothing to do with intelligence. You are obviously very invested in this guy because you are way overthinking things. You’ll look very insecure if you text him to apologize for typos!
If I were you I wouldn’t text about the book, or his birthday, and definitely not the typos. He has made it clear to you that he doesn’t want to take things further. He literally told you he won’t have time to see you for the next couple months. But think about it objectively– so he’s helping her mom sell her house, and will eventually help her move when she gets a new house– will that take up his time 24/7 in the coming months? Of course not. If he wanted to see you, he could. He’s offering a flimsy excuse so as not to have to make any effort with you.
We have no idea what would have happened if things had been done differently. It doesn’t matter, like Ss said. You don’t know the guy. You had 2 dates. He’s a stranger. There could be any number of reasons why. It’s not your job to figure him out, it’s your job to let him go and move on.
Lilly
The problem wasn’t you had sex… the problem was you thought it meant something and was going to lead to seeing him again and something more.
If you’re going to have sex on the first few dates, you can’t give a damn if you ever hear from him again. If you can’t do that, then stay out of bed until you know the guy and what his story is and if he really likes you and wants a relationship. Women think sex is the gateway to a relationship. Men think sex is a good time and they can do it and walk away without a thought of a relationship entering their minds.
Also, don’t chase. Let them contact you.
And yes, he’s letting you down easy.
Elle
Thanks for your replies everyone! It makes me feel better that he was likely not looking for anything serious anyway and it wasn’t really anything I did to “scare” him away. It would have been a tough long distance relationship anyway (I am not yet even fully moved to the city we matched in yet) and I have been going on dates with others that seem more promising, I just really thought we had great chemistry and a lot in common.
He ended up replying the next morning, saying “Thank you! And you too :)
My friends and I had an epic lamb shank dinner yesterday 🤤” and commented on the weather in my home city. Any point for me to reply?Elle
(I forgot to mention that at the end of my text on Monday I said Happy Thanksgiving, and his reply was on Tuesday morning)
Franny
Don’t reply. There is no point. You are clearly hoping for more, because you are overanalyzing every little thing. He is breadcrumbing and you should never settle for breadcrumbs. This will not lead to anything and it is a waste of your time.
This has happened to all of us. Let this go and move on because there will be something better down the road.
Newbie
You are trying way to hard for a guy you considered a nerd at first and will become long distance. Why? You really need to change tor mindset to: i will give guys a chance if they act like they deserve it. This guy only had to say he liked to see you again after the first date to get you so impressed you slept with him. And no i dont judge sleeping with guys at all. We are human, we are meant to like sex. But its exactly like Lily said, dont become all soft afterwards and give it meaning. So he had a gigantic shank. Good for him. What in the world would you want to reply? My man usually sends me a pic of a fat cat on a t shirt saying ‘do i look fat’ when he ate too much. Send him that lol. Or better, send nothing
Liz Lemon
I agree with what the others have said. Notice he did not ask a question or really give you much to reply to. Other than telling you what he ate and commenting on the weather, which are pretty much the two most dull things you can talk about honestly. And this guy told you straight up that he will not have time to see you in the coming months. So there’s no reason to reply. It’s a waste of time and will only keep you emotionally entangled in a situation that will go nowhere.
Elle
Thanks for the helpful (and humorous! 😂) replies everyone. Don’t worry, I am not obsessing over this at all, I’m more curious about external perspectives and treating this as more of a learning exercise. I have and will not message him again!
Based on what everyone has said here, I am not regretful of my choice to sleep with him. It wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway, and I managed to have a fun and, more importantly, safe sexual experience and I did enjoy myself. I think I probably knew deep down that it wasn’t likely to go anywhere serious, but I think I was still surprised that the decision was made so quickly! But it’s alright, I have better prospects that have shown their intentions through their actions over a longer period of time. I think I’m just somewhat used to things moving quickly, which I’m learning is not necessarily a good thing.
Thanks again for your help!
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