Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is he pushing me away? What do you think I should do?
- This topic has 90 replies and was last updated 9 years, 12 months ago by
Emma.
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Emma
I have been feeling like my boyfriend and I are slowly growing apart from each other. We were in a long distance relationship but he now lives closer so I thought we would spend a lot of time together, but we don’t. The calls decreased and we text but we don’t even text as much as we messaged when he lived far away.
As much as it hurts, I opened my heart to accept that he may just not be into me anymore. When I say it hurts, I mean it hurts to feel this way after being with someone for years. I decided to sit down and talk to him in person about it. I wanted it in person so that if we decided to close this chapter, it wouldn’t be via hanging up a phone.
When I told him I needed to meet to discuss something important, he said that he had his kids with him and asked what it was. I told him it had to be in person only and would try back later. I tried the next day and he said he could meet and would arrange it after his appointment. I checked in and by then he was picking up his kids. So I said forget it and talked by phone.
I told him how things weren’t the same. I pointed out the time we weren’t spending together and how our communications are less than they were when he lived far away. I straight forward asked him if he has lost interest in me.
He said that things are this way because he is trying to get his life in order. He said that he badly needs a job and is very busy trying to find one. He said his source of income now is small and he has kids and things that he owes on. He told me that since he moved back, he only been out with friends a couple of times. He said it’s not because he doesn’t want to go out but that he focuses on his kids because when he had moved away he saw very little of them. He finished by saying he is trying his best to keep everyone satisfied.
I feel so dismissed.
Stefanie
Emma, how long has this relationship been going on?
Harley
It sounds to me like you are putting a lot of demands on him when he’s stressed. A guy needs to feel a winner….. he does not..with NO job. THAT is his primary focus at the moment. I know it’s hard on you but I suggest you support him in his hour of need, instead of dumping more on him. By the way you acted, you will only chase him away. Your feelings are valid, but you have communicated them wrong to him. NOW he feels like he cannot keep you happy either……….. so he will run away from you.
Emma
I told him I understood and just needed to know what was going on. I support him. I look for jobs too
Harley
When you told him things weren’t the same.. you rejected him and made him feel like he is failing you. Right now.. you need to support him by NOT saying things like this. He needs some space to work things out, not listen to you saying how you feel dismissed. You need to go about living your own life and he will spring back to you in his own time. You need to believe and trust in your relationship and that it will all come good again soon.
If not.. consider leaving him.
Emma
I made the mistake. I been hanging out with other friends
Emma
Another thing is that when he moved back an ex told him she thought her child was his. So he tested and found out it is his. He doesnt know what i know about this.
Harley
HOW………….. did you find out ???
And yes.. this is more pressure for him..and you .
Are you ok with all these children in his life ??
I would back off and let him initiate contact with you. Time will tell how this is going .
Emma
It is only so many hours in a day. It is another kid to pick, another set of games or recitals, more money etc. I knew he was a parent and cant believe he hadnt mentioned this new one. We may never be able to afford one of our own. How do you not say anything?
His relative spoke on how she cant wait to meet the kid.
I backed off this week. I only initiate if i have been contacted about a job.
Emma
This really hurts. It is like my lover is gone.
Aries
Wow you both were together long distance for FOUR years?
Thats pretty good considering guys truly bond when they are face to face, building memories!!
How old is his children, esp the one he just found out about?
Also, did u guys get together before the relationship turned long distance? Did he frequently visit you when u guys were in a LDR?
LAgirl
Why is it after 4 years you have not engaged or married?
His kids are always going to come first. Are you prepared to deal with that over the long term?
It seems that you fight want to think about whether or not this situation is going to really suit you.
LAgirl
I meant to say ‘might’
Emma
We have committed to be together forever. Not in the formal sense of marriage or engagement due to my personal beliefs but he did propose in the past.
I know they come and will come first. It is just a sudden change.
Stefanie
Emma, my question is… where after 4 years of LDR is this relationship going? Are there any plans to actually live in the same city and share a residence?
Stefanie
Got it. If you intend to stick to this plan, then you need to set your boundaries. Men can get funny when they are stressed, particularly about finances. If you want to ride it out, you want to cut him some slack but not too much. Guys don’t respect girls who don’t stand up for themselves. The trick of it is standing up in a way they can hear that is productive for the relationship. Face to face talk, short, use logical words, like respect (never tell a man you feel hurt). That’s my 2 cents.
Emma
I will know next time. But i am not contacting him first anymore unless it is business
Stefanie
Not unless he specifically asks. Men don’t need or want “help” the way we do.
Emma
I mean it was like we were a team and he been very thankful. When i re did his resume he felt more hopeful that i would help him find a job.
When i asks if he wants me to apply for certain things he says yes or please do.
Emma
I will stop though. It is a lot of work and it doesnt make sense for me to do so no more than we interact
Stefanie
OK. This isn’t meant to be snarky – but if you already know the answer to your question… why post for advice?
Emma
I didnt. I thought of that right then
MARILYN
I don’t think you are very close to this man. I was in a non-relationship like this and we really had nothing. It sounds exactly the same. Who cares what this man thinks? Are you getting any of your needs met? He isn’t the only man that you can go out with even though it may seem like it now. Best of luck to you!
Morgan
I think that you need to listen to some of the oldest advice ever to get through this. There has to be one before there can be two. I mean if hes trying to get his life together for you his kids and his friends he needs to do that on his own time. You should take it a brighter way. Hes tring not to screw this up. Text him tell him you support him and you’ll be there for him and then, let go. Let him do his own thing. Be patient.
Emma
We have still been seeing each other. We’ve been around each other and spoke to each other. We have an evening planned this evening in which I am going to use that time to discuss how I feel overall. I’ve found that my communication isn’t the best. Any tips on how I can let him know that I need more out of our situation without sounding horrible?
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