Is he scared or just not into me?

Yes, of course someone can sabotage a good thing– men and women do this.

The question is, how much time do you want to invest getting this scared guy to open up (assuming that is what is going on– it does kinda sound like it to me admittedly). I mean, you could spend a LONNNNNNNNG time and not really get anywhere, you know?

Thank you so much, Maria. I’m planning on talking to him about it for sure. I miss him like crazy, and I hate how he’s been pulling away lately. Especially when I then catch him staring at me repeatedly at the gym, and sometimes when we talk briefly, I will say something that makes him laugh and he grabs my arm and tells me something he’s really into. And I feel like I have him back for just a few seconds.

I will stop by his place this weekend and tell him where I stand. I get the feeling that nobody has ever really fought for him, and though I think it’s a man’s job to pursue, I can really tell how he thinks I will end up hurting me. He once implied that, and I told him “when have I ever not shown up for you? I never do that, and I never will.” and he just stared at me for a minute. I care about him deeply.

Your paragraph about what I could tell him was wonderful. I will use that when I go to talk to him. I don’t know how much time I should spend. It is risky, because I might just get even more crazy about him.

Thank you for listening! I’m sure I’ll get some people here telling me to get real and move on. ;) Haha!

Oh, no I wouldn’t go unannounced! He has told me many times that his home is always open to me, and that I’m welcome anytime. Which I find weird. I told him I’m not going to drop by, and if he wants to see me he has to say so.

His friends drop by unannounced, though. Some even come and bang on his door in the morning, if he’s not answering his phone! He comes from a culture that’s really different from mine. So I think he would be ok with it, but I will make sure to tell him before I go. ;)

Amanda’s response does not surprise me. The cynicism on this board is off the charts. And often i agree with the cynics–

For some reason in this case though, i think it is worth acknowledging that he might be afraid. While still in essence letting him know what Amanda says, that you want a real relationship.

” I want a long term committed relationship” = eventual marriage/moving in. So be sure that really is what you want if you say it, as that is how it will be interpreted and it could sound like you are demanding a relationship off the bet.

What i’m proposing is surely a risk… and its one i hardly ever propose= but i’m getting a sense from your story this could be the rare occasion it’s worth a bit more consideration… if he’s actually indicated he’s afraid of getting hurt, then that’s a little different than your average guy we hear about on here.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m saying all this because I was skittish once and someone stuck around a bit and waited for me to get unskittish. it made a lot of different in my life. (in my case stuck around meant gave me a few months, not a few years)!

You are making a whole lot of assumptions about a man who clearly likes to be ALONE. He wants to be a bachelor, or he wouldn’t be, and when you go into ‘convincing mode’ your value plunges.

He’s acting this way because he doesn’t want “to hurt you” (his words) and by continuing this with you he KNOWS he will because he’s not scared, nor is he stupid, he knows exactly what you want and doesn’t want to give it to you. You are not listening, you are projecting by taking these moments and trying to create a picture of a couple in love out of it but you will never achieve it because he doesn’t love you. He enjoys your company from time-to-time but that’s all it is. Men also know there’s a certain point where a woman will want a relationship, so the man naturally WITHDRAWS because he doesn’t—this is what he’s TELLING YOU.

Go ahead and have “the talk” and I can guarantee you will get a lot of excuses such as “your a great gal, BUT…blah, blah. blah….”

I would go for it. You never know until you try. Talk to him and try to make things clear, don’t be afraid. When things are unfinished there is always a room for doubts and projections like ”what could have happened if..” If you are a normal, reasonable person you can handle it without feeling low value. Remember you are doing it for you, not for him. If he is insecure to open up and make you feel good when you are with him, you don’t need him. But sometimes it is not easy to open up and talk about inner feelings. You should help him to do so, by showing him that you care and that you will be there for him. Then, you will see if he is really worth trying or you are better off without him.

That will help you to know where you stand. If it’s not worth you will discover it on time and you would be able to enter a new relationship without bringing issues from the previous one.

For instance, if your manager tells you that you are fired, would you accept it immediately and just leave without a question? I guess not… It’s always good to know the reason, even if it may hurt sometimes.

Good luck

He is 37, he has had a very long term relationship, almost like a marriage, so he is careful about getting into another one. Being single for 7 years does not mean he was living like a monk. It means he probably had many short term “deep conversations” relationship, I see that as a very plausible scenario. He has perfected his “technique”. Each woman must feel amazing and that there is something special, but only he knows what he truly felt. Some men marry in their 40s, this is a new age thing, so he might not be a in a hurry and wants to fall in love.

I think the best way would be to leave him alone. Let him find out what he really feels about you. After a few weeks of seeing each other men always need space and time to decide how they feel about you. It would be very hard for him to fall in love, because he’s been doing the same thing over and over. That’s why talking to him and telling him things won’t work, I don’t think. He knows it all himself. He is intelligent and very experienced.

I’d leave him to his own devices and go on with my life, as if nothing happened. If he wants to see you again he will contact you and would be obliged (or make him) to give you an explanation or an account of why he pulled away and what he wants with you now. But do not hope for anything. If he does ask you to renew, make it serious off the bat. Just tell him you want marriage and kids and if he doesn’t, to leave you alone, and give him time to think. Otherwise, he can be fading in and out of your live for another 2-3 years.

Let’s see, you’ve been seeing him a few months, it’s been a rollercoaster, he’s sending mixed signals, blowing hot and cold, and doesn’t communicate well. Let’s add to that the fact he talks about relationships in a bad way as if they’re boring and just cause problems. Then we’ll add that he’s hung up on his appearance, OCD about his place being spotless, inflexible about keeping his schedule and likes to be by himself and not cater to anyone. All these equal a man who is NOT emotionally available!!

Yet for some reason you think he has a lot of insecurities that he hides behind his good looks and that he can only be vulnerable, and weak and show his emotions around you. It’s been several weeks since you and “the most amazing day together” yet now he’s keeping his distance and he’s not even hanging out with you at the gym. Only staring at you but not even talking to you because he’s too “in a hurry.” He has shown absolutely no desire to see you again or even do more than acknowledge your presence at the gym.

I’m sorry but I agree with your friends and think Maria is really off base with this one. All the things I listed about add up to a man who isn’t interested in you and certainly isn’t interested in a relationship right now. If you open up to this guy and be vulnerable and tell him how you feel you’re going to get your heart broken. It doesn’t really matter whether he’s scared to fall in love or he’s sabotaging what you see as a good thing. The point you’re not getting is that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. There is nothing you can say or do that will change that.

I’ve been on this site quietly for almost 2 years now and if you would spend some time reading other posts, this is one of the most common stories that women post here. I rarely respond to posts and lately the way it’s been I would never ask a question. But to get to my point. I’m responding because I see so much of this here and you are in a position to avoid a lot of heartache if you listen to the right advice – I think telling you to make yourself vulnerable to this man is going to get you hurt. Once you understand men and understand how relationships work, you learn to see very quickly and easily when a man is emotionally available and worth your time getting to know, or not. You need both to be there. I don’t see this man being EA or worth your time, based on what you’ve said.I don’t think that’s being cynical. There’s been good advice here but most of the women who gave thoughtful useful advice are long gone. Here is a breakdown of what I’ve learned by reading here.

1) Women are able to connect with men through conversation. It’s very very common for women to post about having these long, deep talks and sensing a lot of intensity in the man and they get believing that it’s real and he feel exactly the same. Men can easily tell you their deepest, darkest secrets one day and not acknowledge you the next day. They just don’t place the same value on talking and sharing as women do. They are wired differently. I can’t emphasize this enough.

2) There is no “too scared” “too shy” “mixed signals’ or any of that. Those are excuses. When a man knows what he wants, he will go after it and he will not be put off. A guy who behaves the way this man is behaving is not mature enough to be in a healthy, adult relationship. Mature people can talk things through. They don’t do this level of avoidance and blowing hot and cold. Men are generally pretty decisive and goal oriented.

3) This man may not be straight. He may be closeted gay or bi-sexual.

4) When you understand yourself, men and relationships, you do not let yourself get “crazy” about someone who isn’t showing you in a clear way he is crazy about you and wants a relationship with you first. Chasing a man is extremely unattractive. It will repel him.

I don’t see any reason you should go and give the speech Maria suggests. Yes vulnerability is certainly a good thing – with certain people in certain circumstances. Everything you’ve said points to a man who is not emotionally available and has a lot of past baggage and has no idea how to be in a relationship nor does he want to change that. If you did get into a relationship with him, it would be hard work. You will be in the position of chief cook bottle washer and psychologist and fixer. When it doesn’t work out and it almost certainly will not, he will blame you 100% and you will be devastated and blame yourself. This is an accident waiting to happen. Save Maria’s speech for someone who is worth it. Because her speech is good and there are some cases where it is the right thing to do. This isn’t one of them.

Now for the bigger question – why are you attracted to someone who is so clearly not available?? Forget him now and answer that and you won’t even have to deal with men like this any longer. Often times when we are in situations where we have to be the fixer or prove we are so good, we are replaying a past situation, usually with a father or first boyfriend or something not so healthy. Because when you become emotionally healthy, you wouldn’t get past a first date with someone like this, if you even got guys like this at all.

You can do a lot better. You have to want to, though. Good luck. So many women come here asking for advice and then only take the advice they want to hear. The smart ones, who are in the minority, listen to all sides and open their eyes and deal with the real issue, which is themselves and not the guys. I hope you will be one of them.

I think Lane is spot on.. I have a son just like Lane described. He is cute, sweet and kind and women fall for him. The problem is.. He enjoys being a bachelor!

He does exactly what Lane described!

Lane your sensible approach is appreciated. I’ve watched you get criticized for being too blunt at times but you are one of the few who still posts here who gives practical advice based on actual successful relationship experience. Clearly you get men and you know your own value and standards and you don’t settle for less.

“He is 37 and has had one serious relationship that lasted almost a decade, during his 20’s. That means he’s been single for about 7 years now. He talks about relationships in a bad way, how it’s “boring” and is just another problem in your life. I get the feeling he has never experienced a good relationship and that he was hurt pretty badly in the one he has had. He mentioned once, that she cheated. That’s all I know.”

It’s very possible he gave her some good reasons to cheat.

Given what you said here… I have no idea whatsoever why you think this man is such a prize. There are deep seated issues here that you cannot fix. One of the biggest mistakes women make is to fall in love with a man’s potential. You’ve done that. He’s already made it clear with his behavior he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Or anyone really. I’m not sure why some advise talking with him. Talk if you want, but I think you should be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. I think you only want him because you can’t have him. I think he will be a nightmare to be in a relationship with. But perhaps you just have to learn that by experience. Let us know what happens.