Is he scared or just not into me?

Guys, I’m beyond excited about all of your replies! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it, and I’ve read through every advice so many times.

But right now I can’t get back to all of you and respond – even though you deserve it.

You see, I have a bit of news … And I’m afraid the majority of you were right, since it’s not good news. Frankly, I’m heartbroken.

So I’ve been trying for about two weeks now to get some alone time with him. Well, he’s been busy. And he is really busy, BUT I just asked to see him for a quick chat. He kept saying stuff like “Oh, stop by this weekend” and then I wouldn’t here from him. So when today he didn’t answer my text where I asked when he could see me, I had enough and I went to see him.

And boy, it did not go well … I told him I felt like he had been avoiding me lately, that I missed talking to him and spending time together, and that it would make me happy if he would make some time for me this weekend. He kept putting me off with “I’ve been busy”, and in the end I just shrugged and said I didn’t know what to say anymore. And then it got bad.

“One more thing. I don’t want to take this relationship any further. I told you right from the beginning: I don’t want a relationship. I made that VERY clear. I’m too busy for a relationship, I haven’t been in a relationship for more than 7 years, I’m not ready, I will not be ready, I don’t want a relationship! It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. Am I making myself clear?”

I was mortified. His eyes were filled with both anger and hurt, his tone was mean and his body language closed and defensive. And I just stood there. I can only imagine how my face changed while he was speaking, and if just 1% of the heartbreak I felt could be seen on my face, he would be able to tell that he completely crushed me.

He then went on to say something about how I treated him as if he was my boyfriend when all he wanted was to be my friend. That really got to me and I got defensive as well.

“Well, that’s not really true though, is it?! You know we were more than just friends. Would you say we have been just friends these past months!?” He looked down. “No, I guess we’ve been dating”. Okay, well, I’m not a complete fool then.

He did most of the talking, though. He told me how I didn’t act as a friend towards him, how he DID NOT want a relationship, how I would feel if I saw him with someone else, bla bla bla. He didn’t let me talk and then he got in his car (he was in a hurry. I knew that. I just wanted to schedule a time to talk when all of this exploded in my face.) I asked him if he really didn’t feel anything and he responded: “No. I never feel anything”. Then I told him I still wanted to talk to him and he said “I have nothing more to say” and I said “well, I do, not all is about you. And you don’t have to say anything. I need to say something” and he told me okay, and let’s do it Sunday.

Oh Melody, I warned you it would not go well.

Please I beg of you DO NOT talk to him again! He doesn’t CARE what you have to say whereas anything you do say will just piss him off more!!! He couldn’t be more straightforward and direct with you and you STILL want to “talk it out” with him after this?!?!

Please get some self-respect and stop forcing him to feel something he doesn’t feel, never did, and never will. I know your hurting but you are doing it to yourself dear and its high time to stop the pain by walking away and blocking him from your life FOREVER.

I’m sorry it worked out this way for you. In know youndont see it, but he told you very early in that ‘relationships are boring’ and that he didn’t want one. He was negative about relationships, so this response from him, looking from the outside actually makes sense. He could tell you were getting too invested and he pulled back. Also, the words you used were that this was a ‘roller coaster’ relationship. I can tell you first hand that this is recipe for disaster. In the early months of dating all should be infatuation and fun on both sides. When things are off balance or up and down, this means it’s not a relationship of two people with the same goal.

You can analyze this to death, and I know you are. But men say things in the moment, all the time. It doesn’t mean a thing unless backed up by actions, you don’t really know this man, you only dated him a few months, and meeting friends means nothing, this guy screamed emotionally unavailable from the start and you lowed ahead because you based things on potential and not reality. In my experience when you do this, you always lose.

I don’t think you should talk with him anymore. He was abrupt with you because he wanted you to get the fact this isn’t going anywhere, I’m not there, but I sense even from this thread you have a hard time letting go. You want what you want and will do your Whatever you have to in order to push your own agenda. You just showing up at his home must have been beyond upsetting for him, when a person blatantly ignores you or says he doesn’t want to see you, that isn’t your clue to just show up.

I would let this go, I understand you are very invested in this man, but he has made his position clear. Please don’t project your own feelings on him. Most people that prefer being single are not in pain or sorry for their decision. That’s just you talking in your head. I doubt this man wants or is interested in you giving him a lecture on what’s best for him or what he is missing out on. Focus on you. Learn from this.

Kayla, you’re so right. And that’s why I went on this forum, because as I stated before I’m not really experienced in the whole dating world. Last time I dated somebody I was 17! And I’ve always just not cared for guys unless I had fallen really hard for them. Which this guy is the third one. All other guys I just don’t care about. I get asked out a lot, but I feel absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. With this man I felt everything.

He said a lot of negative things about relationships, but he also said a lot of good things about them. Please, I’m not insane and just pulling stuff out of thin air. We talked a lot about marriage too, and he asked for my view on a lot of different things in relationships and he said that he had never met someone who saw it like he did too. I told him once that if he really thought relationships were just another problem, then he had been in the wrong one, and that the right relationship makes everything easier, better and more meaningful. And then he proceeded to ask a lot of questions about relationships and told me it sounded wonderful and that he should sort his head out.

I didn’t show up at his home, but you are right. I felt terrible but I also felt like I needed an answer right now. his friends do the same thing, but I really didn’t feel good about it.

I don’t want to lecture him. I have told him my position on relationships before, I have no need to tell him what I think he should do with his life. It’s his life and his decision. He can do as he pleases. I want to tell him how I feel, how I work and what this whatever we had meant to me. It has nothing to do with him. I feel like he’s made me out to be this crazy woman who’s trying to make him my boyfriend by force, but that’s not the truth. Most of the “couply” things we’ve done together have been all him. In the beginning, I was the one distancing myself, because I respected the fact that he didn’t want a relationship. But then he brought me everywhere and he started treating me like I was his, and yes then I started to act more like his girlfriend. But only then! And then he got freaked out once he told me all about his childhood and his late mother and how much she meant to him. And since then he has pulled away and shut down.

Oh well. I need to sleep. My head is spinning.

Melody, you should have given him your little speech when you had the opportunity the other day. I have a feeling he’s not going to meet with you on Sunday. Why would he? What can he possibly say that hasn’t already been said? Nothing you say now will make a difference.

Trust me, I have been in this place with way too many men before and I know now that a lot of it has to do with my lack of ability to walk away from a toxic situation and let things go. That is why I suggest examining what is causing you to hang on when there is no hope. Emotionally healthy people do not want people who don’t want them. Because it’s a recipe for disaster and pain.

He’s rejected you. WHY, who knows. Maybe he had feelings for you, maybe he doesn’t, maybe he’s scared…but the common denominator is he does not want a relationship with you.

You feel sad for him, but this is the life he has chosen and clearly he enjoys it and it makes him happy. Society believes that everyone who is not in a relationship is lonely and miserable, but if that were the case we wouldn’t have so many people trying to avoid one. He likes his life the way it is.

My fear for you is if that you continue to pursue him for any reason, even to to give your little closure speech, you risk a permanent blow to your self esteem and feeling of self worth that may take a long time to heal. How many times do you need to be told that someone doesn’t want your love? Being told that is soul crushing, you’re already in a great deal of pain, why are you being a glutton for punishment? No more. Do your healing, cry your tears, and do not chase this man anymore. The longer you drag this out, the longer it will take for you to start the healing process.

If you still have something to say to him, write it to us. Or write a letter to him. And burn it. He doesn’t want what you’re offering. Please, walk away with some semblance of your dignity intact. At this point if you continue you are going to be BEGGING him. Please don’t do that to yourself. No man is worth that.

I will repeat-cannot get blood from a turnip-he is a turnip and you refused to understand,see this. I am sorry you got so hurt but we were all telling the truth about the result. If you have any type of contact with him again,you are a self-punishing fool. Don’t do that.

When I wrote my comment on your threat I overlooked the fact that he ignored you in the gym. Shannon and Pandora and someone else pointed out that this was very RUDE of him, and it is so indeed.

You are going to try to talk to him no matter what anyone says here. I hope you won’t get hurt again. But this man was very clear that he is not interested in anything serious, you are forcing him at this point. Forcing feelings out of him. You “know” he felt something. He probably did feel something for a few hours. Then he ignored you rudely. Then he came to talk to you and you took it as a D day victory.

He maybe narcissistic, I agree with others, but your behaviour is very forceful as well. Normally if a person is keeping their distance or rudely ignoring you, why force yourself onto them? You only knew each other for a short little while, he is not a close friend to you.

But you are going to give him your speech. He might even fall for it, you’d have another good sex and a round of nice conversations, and then he’d ignore you again or “you will see him with someone else”, he has already warned you about it. Did you take notice?

This guy is not interested even in dating you, he is openly telling you he is seeing others, he is not interested in a relationship with you. That much is clear to everyone, even you at this point.

I hope you don’t get hurt too badly, if you are going to force your speech onto him please get yourself ready for various outcomes.

I’m really sorry this happened. But we all tried to warn you. I said the probability of this ending badly with your heart broken was 99.8 %. I totally disagreed with Maria. As did most of the ladies here. But you weren’t going to listen. You had to experience this for yourself. Now that you have seen a side of him you never wanted to see I really hope you will listen to us and not talk to him again. If you have to say your piece and get your feelings out and don’t need him to respond then write him a letter and mail it to him. And yes it can get worse. He could tell you he had no feelings for you and it was just sex and he only kept seeing you because you wouldn’t go away. There are many hateful things he could say to you that you would never forget. That is why you don’t need to have this conversation so soon when you are both emotionally charged. Please let it go or write the letter

Man has not been in relationships in seven years. That says every last word. Go away from him, do not try anything else. He does not want a woman except to do sex to sometimes.

I’m sorry too. I said ‘go for it’, because I thought that maybe Melody needs a very clear answer. So now Melody, you have it. Please do not talk to him again! This is the worst possible idea.

And yes, I agree, don’t reach out to him at all from this point on. The fact that he seemed angry with you leads me to believe that he’s been feeling pestered for a while. I don’t know if you left things out of your orgiinal post, or if you just weren’t seeing that you were doing that, but I wasn’t getting vibes that you were coming at him hard from your orginal post (this is where the only having half the story thing comes in)

Anyway– I had a guy recently harrass me because he couldn’t take no for an answer. I think your guy is at the point where any further communication will seem stalkerish to him.

She left things out of her post??? Maria, what the hell are you smoking???/ You were WRONG. Just admit it. You projected your experiences of someone who overcame your walls onto the situation instead of reading how this man is treating and his history that she clearly described. You had the same information everyone else had and the vast majority said DO NOT DO IT. There’s a reason for that. And I can’t for the life of me understand why Shannon would think that Melody had any chance with this man of a healthy relationship. DEAD obvious this man was not into her and a bad prospect for anything other than a platonic friend, which is not what she wanted. Shame on all of you who egged her on.

Melody: he has been absolutely crystal clear he is not interested. You will only look more crazy if you keep at him and he might call the police to get you to stop stalking him. For God’s sake STOP and do as Alia says and get some counseling. You have no idea what real love is. This wasn’t love. Real love wouldn’t have behaved like this You just want what you want from him. He’s not into it. Go learn what real love is and stay off this site, too much damaging advice from women who have their own relationship issues they can’t deal with already.

Guys, guys, please! Don’t attack Maria. Shannon is right. I needed this kind of closure from him. I couldn’t stop wondering, especially because his friends told me this wasn’t like him. I thought we had something special. I really did. I thought he was lost/scared/terrified/whatever and that I could help him. I think most women have been there at some point in their lives. I still think he has issues, and I hope he works on them.

I clearly have some issues the other way around. But please don’t think I was just catching things out of thin air, he treated me like he wanted more, he said a lot of things that made ME put my guard down and actually allow myself to fall for him. He would walk down the street with his arm around me and show me all his favorite places and tell the owners that he wanted to show me their place because he loved it.

I thought that him stepping down after we had build up a lot of these situations meant he was scared and I decided to see what was up. And again, I did NOT go to his house. I went to his work, and before you all go crazy over that too, it’s not a traditional job and his friends go there all the time too. I didn’t want to initially, because I felt like it wasn’t appropriate and what I wanted to do. And I didn’t go to talk to him, I went to schedule a time to talk to him and HE started his “I don’t want a relationship” speech then.

Of course you can never know all the details. But I didn’t leave anything important out. Oh, last week I saw him briefly and when we said goodbye and hugged I said “I miss you” and he started kissing me and said he really missed me too. I don’t know, but to me that doesn’t seem like someone who completely doesn’t want you.

When we talked last night, he made it clear that he wanted to stay friends. He kept saying that we were friends and that we couldn’t mix friendship and sex (even though we’ve done that for months now). I didn’t get the sense that he never wants to see me again, and I’m pretty sure I’ll see him around. I don’t know if I want to, though. Seeing him might be a really bad idea. I will definitely give him space now. I feel really rejected and I feel a little abused because he was insensitive to my feelings and just focused on what HE wanted. He didn’t let me speak. And the original thing I wanted to talk to him about was not how I wanted a relationship with him right away. And i feel robbed of the chance to say what I wanted to say.

But I’m done chasing him. And no, I don’t want to stalk him. That’s clearly not what I want to do! And I don’t feel like I’ve done that. I will see him at my gym and I will not make contact. I might even see him out, we live really close and we go to many of the same places all the time.

Thank you ladies. But please be nice. I don’t need all your “told you so” and Maria doesn’t need to be put down because of her advice.

Xx Melody