Is he scared or just not into me?

* staring* at her in the gym…

Guys, guys, please! Don’t attack Maria. Shannon is right. I needed this kind of closure from him. I couldn’t stop wondering, especially because his friends told me this wasn’t like him. I thought we had something special. I really did. I thought he was lost/scared/terrified/whatever and that I could help him. I think most women have been there at some point in their lives. I still think he has issues, and I hope he works on them.

I clearly have some issues the other way around. But please don’t think I was just catching things out of thin air, he treated me like he wanted more, he said a lot of things that made ME put my guard down and actually allow myself to fall for him. He would walk down the street with his arm around me and show me all his favorite places and tell the owners that he wanted to show me their place because he loved it.

I thought that him stepping down after we had build up a lot of these situations meant he was scared and I decided to see what was up. And again, I did NOT go to his house. I went to his work, and before you all go crazy over that too, it’s not a traditional job and his friends go there all the time too. I didn’t want to initially, because I felt like it wasn’t appropriate and what I wanted to do. And I didn’t go to talk to him, I went to schedule a time to talk to him and HE started his “I don’t want a relationship” speech then.

Of course you can never know all the details. But I didn’t leave anything important out. Oh, last week I saw him briefly and when we said goodbye and hugged I said “I miss you” and he started kissing me and said he really missed me too. I don’t know, but to me that doesn’t seem like someone who completely doesn’t want you.

When we talked last night, he made it clear that he wanted to stay friends. He kept saying that we were friends and that we couldn’t mix friendship and sex (even though we’ve done that for months now). I didn’t get the sense that he never wants to see me again, and I’m pretty sure I’ll see him around. I don’t know if I want to, though. Seeing him might be a really bad idea. I will definitely give him space now. I feel really rejected and I feel a little abused because he was insensitive to my feelings and just focused on what HE wanted. He didn’t let me speak. And the original thing I wanted to talk to him about was not how I wanted a relationship with him right away. And i feel robbed of the chance to say what I wanted to say.

But I’m done chasing him. And no, I don’t want to stalk him. That’s clearly not what I want to do! And I don’t feel like I’ve done that. I will see him at my gym and I will not make contact. I might even see him out, we live really close and we go to many of the same places all the time.

Thank you ladies. But please be nice. I don’t need all your “told you so” and Maria doesn’t need to be put down because of her advice.

Xx Melody

Bottom line. This was an FWB situation that we see go on all the time here. Multiple times every week, women post asking how to turn their FWB into a real relationship and the answer is, it is extremely rare.

Melody, what exactly did you expect people to say to you here? The man isn’t into you and you were way ahead of him. His behavior and things he said to you and his past spoke volumes that this wasn’t ever going to be a proper relationship. That was pointed out to you. You latched onto the few people who told you to go talk to him so you knew where you stood when it was clear where you stood. You went and did it anyway and you are now very hurt. But… you don’t want to hear we told you so. Interesting.

You are behaving like a victim. You were “robbed” and even “abused” because he didn’t want to hear you out? I”m sorry Melody but you need more help than this forum can give if that is what you think.

One other thing – if you think you can stay friends with him and not have that blow up in your face, you are really delusional. If you dont’ want to get hurt by him any more, write out whatever you wanted to say and tear it up, and get on with it. You will be back here in a bad way if you try to stay connected somehow. Ask Shannon, she just had that happen not long ago if I recall correctly. There is a good reason to go completely NC in situations like this.

Good luck and sorry this happened to you. Learn from it and it will become valuable to you. I hope other ladies can read this and learn too and maybe avoid making the same mistakes.

Well…. I did expect a rejection, but not such a brutal one

Melody, you are now heartbroken and feel you havent been treated fairly

until you process the whole thing, I would suggest to skip the gym, skip the common places where you can bump into him or his friends

go somewhere else, just vanish for now completely, until you process it

and definitely dont go now to that ill-fated gym

for such a determined lady like Melody, one rejection is never enough (even such a brutal one), but Melody, you are not thinking clearly right now, so just vanish for now… and come here to vent:)

PS. please, stop attacking each other, everybody here gives advice based on personal experiences and observations. I really appreciate that the OP came back with an update, when she clearly could have expected the general: I told you so!

I wonder, what are your star sign Melody:) and of that moron of yours

@Shannon – thank you so much. It breaks my heart that so many have experienced something similar. It’s brutal. And still my mind can’t stop thinking that we could have had such a beautiful thing. Funny how that works, right? I can’t figure out if I feel stupid for allowing this to happen. I don’t sleep around, and yet here I am. Gave myself completely to him. And in the end he could only yell at me for catching feelings. Wow.

@Hannah – You’re right, but as adults, I feel like we can communicate when something changes in the relationships we’re in. Meaning: why does a 37-year-old man decide to ignore someone he used to see a lot instead of just telling her what’s up? I will never understand that.

I don’t know your friend, but my guy is definitely not happy. It would be very apparent to you if you met him. He complains a lot and he is in complete conflict with himself because he does have very strong family values. I think with him it’s a life choice but it’s also a safe place for him where nothing bad can happen. Only that “crazy women” like me can fall for him. He even told me many times how he felt like he should get a family. But then at the same time he wasn’t ready. And he talks about it with his friends too.

That’s not really fair to say, I think. That people let him down because they don’t listen to him. He was talking about his friends, not people he date. Also, you can’t just tell someone “I don’t want a relationship” and then act and talk like you do. That’s just not fair. It was something completely different if he’d acted like it was just sex and nothing more. He even talked about taking me with him to meet his family and how he wanted to go on vacation with me to Europe. When you act like that OF COURSE people will start to treat you differently and not honor your initial “I don’t want a relationship” standpoint. You can’t just say those five words once and then expect somebody to completely disregard every other thing you do that points in the other direction.

@Pandora – Yeah, it was a lot to take in for me. I was in shock. I feel like vanishing would be a sign of weakness? I won’t be seeing him at the gym this coming month, he is going somewhere else for the next month because his schedule is different. I just went out for drinks with a girl I know through him, she’s going through a rough time and needed someone to talk to. But I will try and avoid him as much as I can while still living my normal life.

I feel like not seeing him will do me good. He’s still watching my story on Instagram, and I post as I normally do from when I have fun. I will not give him the satisfaction of vanishing completely so he thinks I just sit at home and cry about him. I don’t.

I’m Pisces (shocker!) and he’s Cancer. In theory a really good match, since I’m very sensitive and he’s family oriented. I don’t know if our signs make sense to you, please let me know. I’ve just recently started learning about it.

Xx Melody

“He’s still watching my story on Instagram, and I post as I normally do from when I have fun. I will not give him the satisfaction of vanishing completely so he thinks I just sit at home and cry about him. I don’t.”

This makes zero sense. You are doing this to keep connected to him. You still care too much about what he thinks… and he isn’t thinking about you. Block him off everything and MOVE ON before you get hurt again.

“I’m Pisces (shocker!) and he’s Cancer. In theory a really good match, since I’m very sensitive and he’s family oriented. I don’t know if our signs make sense to you, please let me know. I’ve just recently started learning about it.”

This is a distraction to keep you analyzing and trying to explain something that is very simple. A relationship with you and probably a relationship in general is not on this man’s priority list.

You have a lot to learn. We’ve all made these mistakes. I can only hope that you will open your eyes sooner rather than later about men, love and relationships.

I’ve said all I can say, wish you the best.

I am always amazed, how people here expect to “move on” from day one….. its a process…

who can move on so easily, wasnt invested or in love with the person, but only with their own agenda, so its not a big deal and not a loss on either side

but if you are invested and in love, the process is longer, because you have to process your own love, which is not dependent on the other person´s reaction… get it? :)

if you are not in love, just weeding out the people who you date, then you move on… (gasthly thing with that online dating, never did it and never will, it makes you think in cliches and generics)

anyhow: most people commenting here are the normal ones (what I gathered from other posts), so its always good to listen to their advice?

Melody: he is week, you are not, your love doesnt have to be dependent on his love…. but your actions and reaction? yes, it should

you can love him, but expressing it? its a whole other chapter:)

real love from strenght: yes
love from a desperate heartbroken place (I wouldnt call it love anyway): not

Dont be ashamed you are in love, just dont act on it and dont do anything for now! Own your love, but dont make the other person responsible for it

be flexible:)

love can move you and improve you, its always a good thing to be in love, its very rare…. but! the other person is not responsible for your feelings, you should use your love for something greater (own improvement in any field for example)

Justagirl: Melody posted their star signs specifically because I asked

Justagirl, yes, I agree, its starts with the first step… but its a long journey to take this first step:) usually, you feel, when the first step has been taken… its not about going to have an active life and be surrounded by everybody everytime,even your best friends (but it helps a lot:), sometimes beeing too active is just prolonging the suffering… when you are alone and it suddenly hits you: yes, its over

so the first step is not equal to the time of rejection, you are not moving on from the time of rejection

Off topic: somebody uses astrology (sun signs are not enough, all the personal planets play a role, just find out yours), somebody uses therapy and counselling (lame, but may be effective, if you dont have good friend, who not only listen to you but understands you) or go to some forum, where are people, who are interested in personal journeys…. or just go out and have fun every day and night….. so what suit you:)

Ladies, I think counselling in some cases are done here:) good job everybody

PS. I like this topic, because: 1. the OP comes back with updates and takes the heat:) 2. most people commenting here are the normal ones, so it must somehow hit us, that there is something different…. maybe the OP´s personality? or something

L, love is insane:)

nowadays, it is very hard to fall in love…. like real love, passion (not the unbalanced online-dating whackos)

maybe that is the attraction of this topic? :) the feel of a real love?

even if its one-sided, but love is a really forcing emotion… very rear

Let me give you this rather extreme analogy. I remember having sex with a guy and told him upfront he had to use a condom. He agreed. Half way through, he took it off and I freaked out. His argument was you were getting so into it, I thought you’d want that. Erm No! I told him what my boundaries were and what I wanted. I was happy getting into what we were doing because I had told him upfront what my boundaries were and what I wanted. I thought he’d respect me and my wishes. He didn’t and I freaked out.

That’s pretty much what happened with you and this guy.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting and needing a relationship, it’s not a measure of your value as a human being. It’s very natural to want to be close with someone you have feelings for. It’s his situation that is not the norm. He suffers from some sort of trauma and is being avoidant. You could talk to him all day and all you would hear would be his defenses twisted like there is something wrong with you.
You are a sucker for punishment and manipulation. And this guy has done a number on you.
It’s not your job to make him see the light, that’s what mental health professionals are for. But if his life and choices work for him, he will never willingly see a therapist and no work will ever be done. Still it is his life and his choices and can you please respect that and detach your self esteem from him? Or better yet, go to a codependents anonymous meeting in your area.

What Alia said!!! I understand your confusion and I know that it will be difficult for you to think of anything else for months from now. But you have to. And it’s not your job t figure him out. Who knows whats wrong with him, even he doesn’t. But you have to respect his boundaries, otherwise you’re not only desperate, but even a creepy stalker. And it will be so good for you to let it go. It will require a lot of effort, but trust me, this effort will pay off.