Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Is he scared or just not into me?
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Melody.
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Melody
@DEE – Thank you so much! However, even though some people here have called me crazy or psycho, I know I’m not. Some may question my self-esteem but I do have enough of it to know that I’ve not been crazy or psycho. And facts are some of his best friends have told me that they’d never seen him like that with someone before. It wasn’t all just in my mind. YES, I did imagine a future for us together, but I think all women dream about that when they’re in love. Also, I’ll be the first to admit that I did, in fact, come on strong. And too strong, I think we can conclude after what happened. It was a risk I took since I knew I wouldn’t be able to drop it if I didn’t think I had done my part. Would he have come around if I had just mirrored him? We will never know. And I can’t allow myself to speculate anymore. What happened happened, and I have to live with that.
I definitely feel like he felt something – at least at one point. I know what a man who’s catching feelings looks like. Whether he simply lost those feelings, were scared or some third thing doesn’t really matter. The fact is that he doesn’t want a relationship which – ultimately – is what I’m looking for. So we’re not compatible – not at this point in our lives anyway. I believe in my heart that if it’s meant to be it will happen. And if not, I know it wasn’t meant to be. That’s how I see it.
He is messed up for sure. He has had the craziest life. I will never get into the details of it on a public forum like this, but let’s just say it would be a miracle if he didn’t have issues after what he’s been through. I care for him deeply, and I hope at some point he will work through his issues. He is a really good man with a lot of amazing traits and talents, and my heart breaks for him because he doesn’t see it. But there is nothing I can do. Had I been religious, I would definitely pray for him. ;)
… And I don’t listen to the people here calling me names. But I’m really baffled by their behavior! And I don’t understand why some think this is fake. Listen, as I stated earlier, I have a very vivid imagination. Had this been fake I would have come up with a far better story for all of you! Haha.
Thank you, Dee. <3
L
Omg.. now I know why this guy ran away! Stop the madness already.
Eva
From what you described it looks you might face somebody with Narcissistic personality disorder. I just recover from that type of relationship and it was really one sided. The same scenario, man is single, his appearance and presentation excellent, house is spotless. At the beginning everything looked like fairy tale. He broke with me suddenly and disappeared, no answer to text messages and calls. Later I discovered he was dated multiple women at once, so he has no point to invest much into any kind of relations. It is easier to shift into better ones if you make them any problems or inconvenience. That kind of relations have 3 cycles:idealise, devalue and discard (usually suddenly and without any notice).
Newbie
Lol this got long.youre not a psycho. You just never ran into the emotionally unavaible guy that does crave love but pushes people away after a while. I ran into a guy like that and it was confusing. But my own behaviour was also confusing. What i did learn from that and its also what red curley sue likes to point out: i did treat him like a project. But once i started to think how i would treat other men i know and there was no way that i would push any of them to open themselves etc. I would let them be what they are and respect that. So at that point i knew i was pushing my own agenda on him and it couldnt be that much fun for him. Also i was totally disrespecting the person that he was. That helped me so much to get over my feelings for him. It was a pity but you cant always get what you want.
You think he assumed you wanted a relationship with him while you think you didnt send out those signals. But trying to opening him up is a big sign. So dont get mad about it. Maybe he didnt have everything right but the essential part he got. What i dont understand is why he got so mad about it but maybe it was building up already. In my case i stopped earlier because i knew i would like him as a friend and that meant that i had to stop pushing him. He is still a friend, one of my weirdest ones. Strangely enough im still the only woman he lets in his life, so im sure im important to him. But je is not that important to me anymoreMelody
@Eva – I have looked into that, actually. My mom suggested it to me after I vented to her about him. Lots of what is written about that disorder and their patterns of love fit him very well, and then other sides to it don’t fit him at all. But I definitely think he suffers from something like that. And low self-esteem. Maybe even some degree of depression. But I don’t want to try and diagnose him; I don’t have the ability to do so.
I’m so sorry to hear that you went through that. And to find out that your guy dated multiple women while he was seeing you. I’m pretty certain my guy didn’t – he is absurdly busy and I saw him every weekend. But I will never know. Probably he is seeing someone new now, though, but I try really hard not to think about that because the thought alone is crushing to me. I don’t know why. We never talked about exclusivity (besides him mentioning multiple times that he didn’t want me to see anyone else. And of course I didn’t. I was head over heels in love with him and had no interest in anyone else). I hate myself for not talking to him about that when it happened. I could have told him I wouldn’t see anybody else if he promised the same. But that’s all too late now …
For me, it’s so hard to understand how they can date multiple women like that and simply not catch any feelings at all. I don’t get it. But I think you’re right about what you said about them feeling like when you become a “problem” in their life they have no issue just letting you go completely. I’ve been thinking a lot about what he said about me acting like he was my boyfriend and I just can’t see why he would think that!? I acted like someone who liked him a lot and loved to hang out with him. And would like to see him more. But apparently, the fact that I was starting to reach out to HIM and ask him to join me when I go out, or plan fun dates for us was “too much” for him. The moment I didn’t just let him fit me into whatever he was doing and into his schedule I became an annoying addition to his life and he ran away. Oh well. What can you do? Thank you for your input!
Melody
@Newbie – I know. This is sooo long! I don’t know what about this post kept so many people engaged but I have to say that I like it! I’ve gotten some really great pieces of advice and I love reading all of your experiences with similar guys. It makes me feel less stupid and ashamed about what happened with this man.
I mean, my last boyfriend was definitely emotionally unavailable when I ran into him years ago. That and he was depressed. And scared. He treated me badly in the beginning. I would drive 2 hours to spend the weekend with him but then when I arrived, he didn’t come out of his room and I spent the weekend awkwardly with his roomie. I don’t know why I stuck around. I guess I just really saw something unique in him. After months of forgiving his weird behavior, he started to realize that I cared about him and he started opening up. We had a beautiful relationship for years.
So I guess with this new man, I figured he would eventually come around too. I don’t know why I pick these men. Are they a project for me? I don’t know. I genuinely feel like they’re not. I don’t have any desire to necessarily change him – after all, there is a reason why I fell for him and I would hate for that to change. I like his kind of aggressive and passionate personality and that’s the man I want to be around.
However, of course, I would like for him to be more consistent and communicate better with me. That’s why I wanted to talk to him. So I guess in that sense I did want to change him because apparently, that is not his personality. I don’t know. I don’t want to change him in the classical sense, I feel, but of course, I wasn’t happy with what we had and that was what I wanted to change. I just wanted to know I had him. I never wanted to ask him to cut his hours at work and make more time for me – I liked how he is a hard worker and respected his choice to be very busy.
I feel like I didn’t ask for much, but apparently, it was too much. He did say Friday night specifically “I’m too busy to have a relationship” and maybe that is true. I will never know. If he really liked me, he would have made it happen and that’s the part that hurts the most now.
Thank you, Newbie! I think it was a really smart move to keep him as a friend and let him go as a potential boyfriend. Good for you! Even though he is your weird friend it sounds like he values you. And who knows what can happen in the future.
I think my only conclusion is this: men are weird! ;)
Xx Melody
Kat
Men aren’t weird. You just picked a guy who isn’t into you for a relationship. Simple. It’s women I think women who are often the ones who are off because they analyze, try and convince, chase and just can’t see clearly! LOL
L
This thread lasted longer than the relationship.
alex
^ again L with the helpful advice!!
L
Alex
Thank you for highlighting the fact that I am spot on here. That’s so sweet of you doll. Xxxxalex
your comment was intended to be an insult implying that the OP made too big of a deal out her situation, which isn’t isn’t for you to to decide. You’re incredibly simple minded to think that post length should or does equate to the magnitude of someones situation. I’m not sure what you were spot on about? You seem to enjoy acting as though you’re above girly dating issues….when in reality you seem like a mean girl who never left highschool.
alex
or who possibly still is in highschool for that matter…
Alyssa
Hello Melody,
You and I are in similar situations it seems except I’ve been friends with this man for close to a year now.
We built a lot of trust with each other, we can talks for hours upon hours, he’s attentive, protective, we’ve told each other things we never thought we’d tell anyone, he gets noticeably uncomfortable if another male tries to be flirty with me. He actually blew hot and cold in the beginning, but has made it clear that h e plans to stick around. I say friend because, he has not laid it out plainly whether or not he wants something more with me. We are very affection with each other, but I won’t engage in sexual acts without a commitment. He knows and respects that. Frankly, he’s an attractive guy, smart, funny, dimples that would make any woman swoon and he literally has women coming at him left and right. If he wanted an easy lay, he could have it. He’s an all around nice guy and despite all the attention he gets he still gives me his attention both in public and in private and has hinted that I’m “different”.
I almost regret posting because, you are bound to get a number of black and white statements. If a man isn’t aggressively pursuing you then he doesn’t want you, and this can be true, but we cant forget that men have emotions too whether he is expressing shelf or not. Men can have emotional conflict just like women. Emotionally unavailable men don’t always mean a dead end, but it also doesn’t mean that you’ll get anywhere eventually either.
I honestly can’t say I’m as giddy as you are. I’ve done my best to keep my feet grounded until I really am swept off my feet whether it’s by this guy or someone else. My gut tells me that he feels confused just as much as I am, I’ve taken a step back, for him and my own state of mind. Deep down you know whether this will go anywhere or not, trust that, even if you still feel like you don’t have the answer, time Will tell. It’s not a crime to consider going on dates with other people either, you’re a free bird until otherwise. I wish you all the best and I hope everything works out for you :)
Melody
@L – I have to say, that made me laugh out loud! Hah! It’s tragic, but I feel like you’re right …
@alex – most of the time L is not really helping but I feel like her comment was fun. I don’t know. You can never judge somebody’s feelings based on the time frame of the relationship alone. As I mentioned, I have felt more for this guy than I have with guys I’ve dated for years before. So you’ll never know. Thank you for the support, though! :)
@Alyssa – Thank you so much for sharing your story! Your guy sounds a bit different than mine – or maybe I slept with him too soon. I can really respect you for standing up for your principles and saying no to sex with him without a commitment! I wish I had done the same (I think). But I’m so inexperienced with dating that I foolishly thought we had a deeper connection and that’s why I decided to sleep with him. It was amazing while it lasted, though, so I guess I haven’t lost anything.
Thank you for stating that. I definitely feel like the whole “you ALWAYS know when a guy is interested” and “if a guy wants to be with you, he WILL pursue you” isn’t always true and of course, some men are different and some are hurt/scared/have other issues. Of course you can never truly know. Some guys are complicated and sometimes – just sometimes – they’re worth the “fight”. And sometimes they’re not. I like your points on that!
I think you’re doing it right, Alyssa. And I hope he will get over his confusion and realize what and amazing woman he has in you! It sounds like you two really have a special relationship and that you are definitely special to him. But it’s a good idea to take a step back and see what he does. Oh, I hope it works out for you!
I have been “dating” other guys but mostly when I was mad at him for not giving me what I wanted. My friends kept telling me to go on dates and see other people, and I tried that – I really did. It just always ended up with me fleeing the date and texting him when I got home or just looking at his Instagram the moment I got home. Emotionally, I haven’t been at a place where I could care about other people and I feel like it will be a while before I’m there. I did end up meeting one really cool guy, but we have decided to be just friends instead – really glad I met him! ;)
My heart tells me this is not the end for us. But we will see. I’m meeting one of his best friends tomorrow for coffee (it’s a girl) and I will try to get her input. We will see. But she means a lot to me so I try to keep her out of the whole mess – but she does ask. She really likes the both of us and she likes us together.
I will keep you updated if anything new happens. But I will probably not see him for a month, he has a different schedule this month. And I will try to take the opportunity to get over him as much as I can. <3
Xx Melody
JustAntoherGirl
My heart tells me this is not the end for us. But we will see. I’m meeting one of his best friends tomorrow for coffee (it’s a girl) and I will try to get her input. We will see. But she means a lot to me so I try to keep her out of the whole mess – but she does ask. She really likes the both of us and she likes us together.
Really Melody? You are a glutton for punishment.
Lane
Melody, you really need to LET IT GO!!!
Do not meet with his friends!!! Her loyalty is TO HIM and if he gets wind of it he could very well go off on her and/or cut her and any other friends from his life until the whole ‘Melody saga’ is finally over.
Why do you want to continually torture yourself by dragging this out? You are crossing over some serious boundaries here by remaining in touch with and meeting HIS friends after what went down the other night! He was very CLEAR, BLUNT and HARSH with you because of this very reason—your UNREQUITED LOVE (one-sided) is suffocating him and he wants to get away from you.
You are still in DEEP DENIAL, and should be using this time to ACCEPT ITS OVER. NEWSFLASH–he does not want to be with you, does not love you, and does not want you to keep FORCING yourself on him or interfering in his life. It doesn’t matter what his friends think or want, the only thing that matters is what HE THINKS and WANTS and its NOT YOU…not sure how much clearer he has to be, other than a damn restraining order, before you FINALLY get the clue!
Just STOP as your seriously coming off as the bunny boiler crazy girl who REFUSES to take NO for an answer. Sorry to be harsh but you really really need it!
Tallgirl
Melody! Stop. Stop. Stop. This man screamed at you that he did not want a relationship. He is not complicated, or damaged, or he is, but it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t want you. Let me repeat that, he does not want you. He does not want you.This is the end for you. I am not saying this to be cruel, I’m saying it because his actions and his words have now matched.You look insane if you try to talk to his friend about this. Please get some professional help about why you insist that he does not know what he wants or needs. And that you are not willing to look for someone who’s going to give you a real relationship. Because that is what is at issue. It is not his unavailability it is yours.
Melody
Guys. You’re over reacting. I HAVE stopped. Actually, I feel much better after giving everything a lot of thought. I know some of you think I’m the craziest woman alive, but I did not treat him like my boyfriend. I will admit to pursuing him a bit too hard in the end and I regret that. But. He treated me unfairly by leading me on and then yell at me without hearing me out.
This girl is my friend too. She had some issues and who did she call? Me. And I’m here for her. I’ve been seeing her and talking to her on the phone often since I met her five months ago. He even told me Friday that we were friends and that he couldn’t mix our friendship with sex (anymore).
I have stopped. I won’t contact him, I won’t try to run into him … I will keep my schedule like I normally do, I will not change my routine to avoid him, but I will not initiate any contact with him. So calm down, please. It’s not that big of a deal.
All I was saying was that – knowing him – I feel like he will be in contact again. And if not, then I won’t contact him and all is good. I actually feel alright. And I know that with time I will get over him.
Xx Melody
L
And just like Devlin. All is well in the world again!
Melody
@L – please get over Devlin. I feel like you have a very unhealthy obsession with her!
L
Whatever you say, Mike.
Pandora
Melody, it would be better if you would avoid conversations about him with his friends…. it seems very imposing, I am sorry to say
it seems as if you want to use this friend, pumping for information and consolation…
I wouldnt meet her, but if yes, I would strictly talking about her troubles
Lol
Well if the bro wasn’t scared before, he will be now. This mama. She crazy!
Shannon
Melody, if you meet up with HIS friend today, I would not mention HIM at all. If it’s to discuss HER problems and you want to be a support for her then okay. But do not put her in the middle. Do not ask her for her input.
I mentioned on another thread…I stayed “friends” with my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend (someone that was a good friend of his) for about a year and a half after our break up. We saw each other a couple of times…I even went to RI with her because she wanted company while visiting a sick aunt. My ex was a major topic of conversation. You know what she did? She went back and told him EVERY SINGLE THING I said about him!
And no, I didn’t THINK she would do that but I also knew she was kind of two faced from the way she talked about people behind their back so it wasn’t like it was a big surprise.
Let me tell you, even if she tries to be a benevolent force for good and interfere on your behalf it’s going to blow up in your face further. There is nothing worse than having to go through rejecting someone when you know they’re going to be emotional and upset and then have them NOT STOP. People don’t like hurting others, it makes them feel guilty, and when the other person just doesn’t get it that guilt turns to anger.
If you meet up with her, do not bring him up. If she does, say that it’s over and you think it’s better if you two do not talk about it. But, if you want to go no contact…let me tell you, having contact with her IS CONTACT. You’re breaking no contact by meeting with her. Any connection to him, even if it’s just looking at his Facebook is contact and will prevent you from healing.
Raven
Why is this goat still being fed?
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