Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is he sending me “smoke signals” again?
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Sophia.
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Hpgal
So my ex broke up with me a year ago. Then this past Valentines Day he asked to get back together and I agreed to it (between our breakup and Valentine’s Day he had been randomly texting me but I wasn’t very responsive). A week and a half later he breaks up with me again, reason being I want children and he doesn’t, we are at different place in life. He’s close too retirement, divorced and has kids. I’ve never been married and want children. Meanwhile this whole time (since the initial breakup) we’ve remained friends on social media but not outside of that. When he was trying to get me back on Valentine’s Day he mentioned that he had been “liking” all my pictures for the last 6 months (as though those were some kind of smoke signals that he wanted me back). Anyway, since we broke up the second time I posted a few pics which he did not “like” but last night I posted picture I took of the city skyline, he “liked” that pic. So is he trying to send smoke signals again? If it was a pic of me I think it would be more obvious but it wasn’t.
Raven
What do you want to hear?
You’ve been through this twice with this guy…Don’t allow him access to your social media.
Liz Lemon
Does it matter? You broke up because you’re incompatible. “I want children and he doesn’t, we are at different place in life. He’s close too retirement, divorced and has kids. I’ve never been married and want children.” Don’t waste your time with this guy. He can’t give you what you want.
I don’t know how old you are, but if he is your ex and is nearing retirement, I assume you are not in your 20s…..you have a limited time in your life to have kids. If you want children, you should be dating with the idea of finding a man who wants the same thing. Not wasting time on an wishy-washy ex.
Also, putting the issue of marriage and children aside– the “smoke signals” thing is such a weak, tepid way to reach out. It’s putting all the work on you, like you’re supposed to figure his signals out. Don’t you want to be with a guy who can express his feelings and makes it clear he wants to be with you?
Maddie
Two people disagreeing about kids is a complete dealbreaker. You can’t change his mind, just like he can’t change yours. This won’t work, don’t keep investing any time, feeling, or effort if you’re looking for a partner to plan a family with. There really is such a thing as wasting too much time in a situation like this. Do what you can to leave yourself open to meeting new and more compatible men who want the same things you do, and who don’t put you on a hurtful drama roller-coaster.
And important tip for the future if you’re looking for a solid partner, never mind-read. Someone passively sending smoke signals has massive communication issues and difficulty taking responsibility for their actions and decisions. He’s putting it on you to make the decisions so he can deflect and not commit, forcing you to overfunction if you want anything to go anywhere. Avoid men like this because they often set the relationship up to fail. If you can’t be an adult and say what you want because you’re too busy being wishy-washy or keeping an escape hatch so that you can blame the other person for reading into things / pursuing in case you change your mind, you’re not serious relationship material!
In this case specifically, he knows he’s wasting your motherhood window but is being selfish because he likes you… him poking at you then dumping you if you fall for it is because he wants your attention without feeling guilty about wasting your time because you’re choosing to “allow” him to do it. There’s also a type of person who has a come-here-go-away style of connecting and only feels comfortable with someone they can’t fully have, otherwise they feel overwhelmed and push you away for getting too close. So many reasons that just shutting this guy out and moving on is the best self-care you can do.
Hpgal
Liz/Maddie
I have never responded to his smoke signals. That whole 6-7 months he was liking my pics, I never liked anything back or reached out to him in any other way. He had also texted me a few times during that period. So I don’t plan on responding to any smoke signals in the future either. He knows I don’t respond to his “likes” on social media, but maybe he thinks they butter me up, I don’t know.
I honestly think what made him actually reach out to me and ask me back in the first place was that a friend of mine had posted a video of me dancing with a guy, he got jealous (he admitted it) and was afraid I was dating this guy. The day after that video was posted he called me. So maybe he just doesn’t want anyone else to have me even though he can’t be with me either.
T from NY
It is very hard on everyone involved when two people care for each other but there is stage of life difference that prevents them from progressing in an otherwise good relationship. Sure maybe he was jealous and maybe he wanted to touch base (possibly why he called you). The dude may have feelings of wanting to get back together with you on a regular basis – but that doesn’t change where you’re both at in your lives!
I would actually encourage you to discourage him! The heart absolutely does not lead us to the best place all the time. Be kind to him, and yourself, and discourage contact.
Hpgal
T from NY
We’ve not had any contact since the last breakup.
tammy
I think you simply need to block him and deny him access to your profile. whatever you say, fact is you notice his likes and then you come here writing a long post on the interpretation of his likes. Is that really relevant ? ask your self that. ofcrse he likes you. he wants you. you also like him and want him. but in terms of your future plans you guys have different needs and dreams. if you are ok with the idea of having no children, thn sure go right ahead and take up on his attempts to stay relevant in your life. if your not ready ready to give up on the idea of children thn pls block him and try to put him out of your mind completely. cause whether you actually respond to his likes or not doesnt matter. he already knows you notice his presence. just cut him lose and move on.
Lane
The best thing to do for YOURSELF is to remove people from your life who do not provide any value to it.
By excising those from your life who drive you crazy, you will be less crazy. It’s ultimately your choice to remain in crazyland (reading smoke signals from some dude who won’t give you a child) OR meeting the man who gives you clear signals, and wants a child with you. If you choose the former then YOU live with the consequences of doing so, not I, nor anyone else. If you chose the latter this problems disappears.
mama
Here’s the thing. These “smoke signals” could be tiny little secret messages or large billboards with flashing lights but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not going to give you what you want in life (marriage, kids).
You provide what he wants (companionship, etc) just as you are. But this is about what YOU want and what YOU need. He’s already made it clear he’s not going to do that but he will try to get you to concede your needs to accommodate his. So you have to be confident in your life choices and move on. Part of moving on is what someone else suggested: stop giving him access to your social media, your life, etc. It will help you in the long run. If you want to be open to finding someone to marry and have kids with, you need to cut your losses with the guy. Otherwise you will always have part of your heart and mind in his pool and not your own future.
Easier said than done, I know. But have faith in yourself and what you want in life. :)
Hpgal
Mama,
He said he does want to get married, but he doesn’t want children. I agree with what you’re saying, besides children would be the only reason for me to get married anyway, if children aren’t on the table then I have no need or want for marriage if I’m being honest.
Hpgal
Mama,
And just to add, especially to get married to a divorced man with two children.
Sophia
Go for the children. It’s what your heart really wants. No settling allowed.
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