Is he still in love with his ex?

Katie – I don’t know if he’s still in love with his ex or not, but you have gotten yourself solidly in the rebound FWB zone, from the way you describe the way he treats you.

“He doesn’t spend the night with me, we don’t go on dates, and he doesn’t post any pictures of me.” That’s not trivial at all, those are signs he’s not seeing you as a GF.

Sounds like you are more into him than he is into you. Maybe time to end this before you get hurt.

Sounds like you’re all on the young side and under 40 looks can matter a lot. If he says he doesn’t really like white girls, I’d believe him. I once dated a guy whose friends all said he really likes tall blondes and I was a small brunette and as it turned out they were right, he dumped me and is now married to a tall blonde woman. Yes, we can go against type but with younger men… often they want what they want. I wouldn’t take it personally. You’re not his type, doesn’t mean you’re not going to be attractive to someone else who is right for you. This guy is not and that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Please don’t torture yourself like this. He doesn’t want you like you want him. I’d back off. Tell him this isn’t working for you, you want a proper boyfriend and you realize that isn’t going to be him and you’d like some time in no contact to get over it and then someday you can be friends again, if you think you can handle that.

I didn’t really see it like he’s a bad guy, although I guess you’re right. I don’t want to make him out into this monster for rebounding with me, but do you think there’s a chance he might actually grow to like me for me? He’s finally starting to get to know me than just another girl in our friend group. Or do you think I should break things off with him and let him get over his ex first?

Another thing, we’re all home in the same small town from college for the summer so a lot of us go to the same parties. His ex will likely be at the one a mutual friend is throwing this weekend. I’m scared that he will end up hooking up with her :/. It’s not the first time he’s tried to get with her at a party since they broke up, but that was before he and I started sleeping together.

Katie… no one even remotely suggested he’s a bad guy or a monster. He’s not. He’s a guy on the rebound and you’ve chosen to get involved with him on his terms hoping it’s going to turn into more.

You don’t seem to want to hear or accept the truth. Look at the facts. You are sleeping with him, you’re not in a relationship, he’s not showing any interest in being in a relationship with you based on what you report about how he treats you, and he’s openly stated what he likes and doesn’t like in women and you’re not his type.

None of it adds up to this going anywhere, sorry. And I hope this isn’t cruel but yes it’s very possible he could hook up with her at this party because I doubt he’s over her. You don’t have anything to say about it, he’s not your boyfriend.

You don’t sound ready to break this off because you’re still clinging to hope he will suddenly realize what a great woman you are and how much you are for him and start valuing that, which really at this stage only happens in the movies. I hope you can eventually get out of this without too much damage.

You’ve received excellent advice already. I’ll add, once a guy puts you in the “rebound” category, it’s very difficult (if not impossible) to change that label and become a girlfriend.

That’s why, to give a different example, its really important not to sleep with a guy you’re dating too early (before you’ve bonded emotionally)– because once he puts you in the “hookup” category, it’s difficult to get out of that and have him see you as relationship material.

I’m not saying it never happens, but 9 times out of 10, it works out this way. You’re in the “rebound” category in his head, and unfortunately it’s not something you’ll be able to change.

It has nothing to do with you not being “good enough”! You’re a college student so you’re young. I understand where you’re coming from and I know it’s difficult. I know how painful this situation must be. You’re not betraying her, and he’s not a bad person — you’re all just young and inexperienced in adult relationships.