Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is it bad to fantasize about someone else even though I love my boyfriend?
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Maddie.
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Katie
Or at least, I think I love my boyfriend. We’re still pretty young, both just turned 21 and so far we have a great relationship. We have ups and downs but we’ve gotten past them because we’ve acknowledged how much we like each other and don’t want to break up so easily. However, I do find myself often daydreaming or fantasizing about ending up with someone, though not anyone specific that I know. I don’t know if maybe it’s ingrained in my head because of my cultural upbringing to marry someone who is Asian like me, but every time I think of getting married I imagine someone completely different than my boyfriend. My first boyfriend in high school, who I liked a lot, was also Asian and I often fantasize about finding someone who looks like him/with his personality. His personality was totally different, he had this edge, guts, and confidence that I loved because we would always banter and challenge each other. My boyfriend now is sweet and a complete gentleman, and although I’ve never felt that same fire with him, I still adore him.
I just feel a bit guilty that my mind often wanders, even during the happy times. I know that if I lost my boyfriend, I would be really sad. And nothing’s inherently wrong in our relationship, so I have no idea why I’m harboring these thoughts. To be clear I don’t miss my ex nor do I want him back, but I keep wishing my boyfriend had the same spark or witty edge that he had. Also although I think my boyfriend is really good looking-he’s blonde and a bit on the shorter side, I keep finding myself drawn to the look of my ex who was really tall with reddish brown hair. Do you think these are just harmless feelings and I should ignore it? Because I feel like I’m not being fair sometimes and it feels almost like I’m doing him wrong.
Maddie
It sounds like you’re very young and still figuring out what you want. These feelings might indicate there’s more for you to explore in dating before you settle down, or it can be that it’s not about him and you’re still far away from realistically wanting to marry anyone at all.
The potential problem here is you can’t currently imagine marrying your boyfriend. So you need to figure out if that’s because you’re not ready for marriage yet period or if you can’t imagine ever fully committing to HIM. Be honest with yourself and make sure you listen only to yourself and not other voices who have told you in the past what you should do (for example, if you want to end up with someone Asian who shares your culture that’s fine, but be honest if YOU really want that or if your parents put the idea and expectation in your head and it’s not actually a dealbreaker for you).
Only you know for sure, but if you find you can’t ever imagine marrying him but he’s all in on you, then you should break up and not waste either of your time. If it turns out you’re in that situation and decide you want to date other people to help you learn what is out there and what you want in a partner, that’s okay as long as you’ve cut him loose and don’t use him as a safety net or as an emotional crutch.
If neither of you feels that serious yet, and you’re both on the same page that you’re content being boyfriend/girlfriend without looking to get more committed any time soon, then you can keep enjoying the relationship longer if you want. 21 is so young and often people who fully commit that young grow apart as they get older and change, so relationships at that age may not last forever anyway. If you’re both happy right now and on the same page about where things could go, then there’s still a lot of value to the experience of having longer relationships and learning from them even if they don’t end in marriage. You learn about compatibility, better communication, and problem-solving together to resolve conflict, and that all contributes to having good long-term romantic relationships in life.
But again, if he’s looking to marry you eventually and you’re not going to get there with him, then you’re not compatible. That’s a typical reason for things to not work out, and there doesn’t need to be anything else wrong or for there to be a bad guy. Let your fantasies help you explore what you want, and the fact you’re having them isn’t “bad,” they’re just a tool to help you sort out what you like and want and choose what decisions to make.
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