Is it normal to start feeling insecure and question things after a few mths ?

Hi Lylah.

It’s hard to say what’s he feeling, but in my experience if they’re really into you there’s no confusion, questions or guessing because HE’S pursuing pretty hard whether he’s busy or not. I don’t put energy into wishy-washy men and will pull back to see what he does. If he show’s little to no interest then its best to disengage completely because he’s not “feeling it’.

If a man isn’t willing to give his freedom nor FEARS losing you to another man he won’t commit. Its never a good idea to date one guy exclusively because you’re acting like a GF before you are one. You should still ACT SINGLE and date other guys so you can keep the cool vibe going because YOU”RE looking at different options to CHOSE from. You should never accept dates on the fly and respond with, sorry I already made plans but don’t go into detail as a man needs to wonder what you’re up to—they LOVE mystery and intrigue :-)

All I can say is THANK YOU to the two people who responded.
I could only write so much in one posting. Yes he’s interested in finding a relationship, we have had other conversations. I’ve also shared with him I’d like to take it slow, get to know him. However I’ve jumped the gun. As Lane said, I AM treating him more like a bf than a potential partner or just a date. I’ve invested more. I get the feeling he’s still interested as he still initiates plans, contact, affection etc. but yes he is distancing himself because he can sense than I’m more invested and concerned on the outcome.
So… I’m making positive changes :) I’ve signed up to an online dating site, figured I’ll see what other men are out there. Maybe I’ll learn a few new experiences! And it’ll help take the pressure off. I’m making plans again to catch up with friends, getting back into hobbies I love. Signed up to a photography class and a cooking class. Next is Zumba! Haha. Filling my time with things I enjoy. As for the guy I’ve been seeing? Yes, I still like him, that’s not going to change. But, think I’ll take a step back. Let him pursue me for a change.. Him to initiate dates. And if I already have plans, not to cancel them just for him. He can work around my schedule for a change. And to just enjoy the moment, not look and plan ahead, not sit and analyse everything… At least I think this is a positive start? If he’s still interested, then time will tell… If not, then I’m sure theres some other lucky guy out there.

So I have an update… Last few dates appeared to go well. I’d even been on a few dates with other people from the dating site I joined. Was looking at the dating site where it lists your new possible matches… And he has added a new profile.
Sounds silly but should I ask him where he sees this going and be honest with me? Should I mention I saw his profile? Or just move on..?

If it can bring you some sort of closure, then sure. Ask him if he is ready to be exclusive. I’m sure he’s expecting you to ask at some point. But please be prepared for an answer you may not like. Hopefully that will encourage you to not focus most of your attention on someone who isn’t quite ready for a relationship. Best of luck!

Lane, what if the guy wants to have the talk and you have not processed things yet?? I tend to date guys who tell me they are looking for a relationship but prefer to take things at a slow pace. And then 2 dates in, they are so into me that they want to know what I think about them, how I feel, want to have the talk etc. etc. What happened to taking things slow?? Are they just clingy guys wanting to jump into a relationship? Do I mostly only attract clingy guys or serious guys? This has happened to me a couple of times now. And this totally puts me into flight mode. When I look back I realise that if they had not had the “talk” and let things progress at a good enough slow pace, I may have been able to commit to them. They are great guys and would make great bfs/husbands but what is their rush?? Who are they racing against? Do guys have a bio clock too?

Lylah – If I were you, I would only question this after 3 months. He could be like me and your talk could put him in flight mode …. but then again I only have sex after we have had the exclusivity talk so I am not questioning if he is sleeping with other girls. This boundary of mine is also for FWBs.

I have to say that although it’s best for the man to initiate the talk, if you are having sex with him and you are not exclusive and you are getting mixed signals on his interest level, while you are falling more emotionally invested in him then you might be best to ask him if he sees the two of you as being exclusive in the near future.

You can do a few things here:

You can have fun, be playful, live in the moment and wait to talk to him.
The pro is that you can date other men and you can see where things go with this guy and see if he steps it up or if you find someone you like better. The con is that you may get more emotionally invested during the time, you will be stressed to realize that while he is having fun with you and having sex, the next day or same day he is on the online dating site perhaps and you will always wonder who he is with. You may even not enjoy online dating because you will see him there as well.

You can ask him directly that whereas you would like to continue to take it slow you are wondering if he thinks he could see the two of you being exclusive sometime in the near future as you think it’s easier to know someone when you are not multi-dating. The pro is that you his answer will tell you a lot about where he is at in the moment and what kind of communicator he is. The con is that you THINK you will scare him away by initiating this and if he isn’t interested enough in a relationship with you then it will. However, you don’t do youself any favor by sticking around having sex wtih him w/o exclusivity and secretly hoping he will fall in love with you.

My friend said that when you are with the right man for you, then nothing you do or say will drive them away (within reason…lol). If you ask him in a way that is communicative, not pressuing, honest, and not judgemental then I truly believe that a relationship minded man (who thinks you might be the right fit for him) will not be scared away by that.

Keep us posted on what you decide.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do just yet. We had arranged to catch up Friday night and I know it’s going to be on my mind. What’s worse is, I intimated this date. I know that by having the talk could very well possibly kill any potential that may still be there. There are signs he is pulling away. The flirting has dropped off, replies to the odd text take longer with other signals in person.

I guess my concern is I have made the situation more complicated by being intimate with him. I can’t emotionally keep doing that. If I don’t ask where he’s at, is it ok to raise the point that if he’s no longer interested he just be honest and I’d do the same? I just hate when people string you along because they don’t wish to hurt your feelings. Or perhaps I should cancel Friday night? Play a little hard to get and go back to mirroring what he dies. Only reply to texts he initiates, don’t initiate dates and only accept dates that are planned.

Lane, I understand exactly what you’re getting at. In fact thinking with my head logically I agree. Just finding it very hard now to play it casually? I’m sure it comes out in my body language… It’s not meant to be this hard and it’s draining me. It’s even affecting the other dates I’m on with other people.

Pps.. The date Friday night is not concrete yet. He’s only said maybe Fruday you if you like.

I know my posts are probably frustrating, and I do thank those who have given advice. It’s a big learning curve for me to get this dating process right

Bi Lylah.

There’s no right or wrong time to have sex, but you do need to know that’s its a huge risk where he may run away afterwards and/or your hormones will run amok! I have found that if a man is far more into me, than I am him, it doesn’t matter if its the first time or 10th. However if find yourself attaching to men through sex, then obviously abstaining from it until you’re 100% positive he’s fallen in love with you would be a good course of action in the future.

Believe it or not, but being hard to get is like kryptonite to men. There’s something about the challenge, working and earning a ladies attention and affection that keeps them on their toes. But it has to be with a man who digs you more than you do them, has put you on a pedestal, and can’t get you out of his head! When you meet this man, you’ll know because his intentions will be very clear early on and would continue to act the same way months, even years later.

Thank you Lane, you have no idea how valuable I’ve found your advice to be!

You’re right, I want a man that makes an effort, who pursues and wants me. Nit because I’ve forced something that may ultimately not even be the right match fir ME.

Exactly :) thank god for this forum! I would have lost my sanity in making the same mistakes again and again

Ivy,
Thank you :) I’ve decided not to go in this particular date because a) I initiated and would be unsure of his interest level and b) my mindset needs readjusting so I need a bit of time for me. I’m not ruling out any future dates but it’ll be easier to judge where things may or may not be heading if he’s the one to initiate things in future. I’ll still be true to who I am.. I’m an affectionate and flirtatious person when in the right company. I just want to do this the right way so there’s not a single question of doubt. It’ll be tough keeping this mindset but I do see it as something I need to change in all my dating habits.

Regardless if the outcome, I’m learning some valuable lessons and that’s what counts ???? I also like the way you phrased the exclusivity question so I’ll keep that in mind should things progress