Is it normal to start feeling insecure and question things after a few mths ?

Hi Lylah, Yes, the guy is wishy washy. When a guy says Maybe Friday if you like, then you could say ”

well, I prefer to firm up that plan so if you are free let’s get together, but if you are not sure then let’s reschedule. Let me know.”

That forces him to decide on the date and later if he flaked then he’d be accountable but by him saying maybe and you accepting maybe, he didn’t do anything wrong in his eyes that he’d have to explain cause he did not commit to a date and you didn’t force him to.

Take the power position and be nice and assertive. This let’s him know without being bratty, that you simply can’t hold out on tentative plans. By not enforcing that on him you told him that in fact you will wait so yes, you did put yourself in a string along position.

I think your issue is with assertive polite communication. Simply, you don’t know how to communicate directly so you don’t say anything and then resent when you realize you got left in a waiting game.

Do you see how communicating assertively can make you have more confidence? He could still flake but at least you said your part. Even if a man isn’t interested in you he will respect that and you will feel great about yourself.

Hi Ivy,
I do have issues with being assertive during communications, so I’m definitely going to work on that.

I didn’t hear anything further from him on Friday except late at night around 8pm ish apologising he had to work late and had a long day. There was no suggestion to reschedule so I haven’t mentioned it, I don’t wish to push from a needy position when I accepted his maybe plans in the first place. He was most flirtatious in text this morning and happened to drop I seem to have been a bit distant, which has thrown me.

Keeping things a tad cool, but friendly, just following his lead now. And IF he should ask for another date with a flaky time, I’ll be sure to be more assertive in where I stand in future. I should make more of a stand on what I need without fearing how he may react. Just be me. I still have a lot to learn in the realms of dating lol

Hi Yams
Thanks for the input :)

My problem has been that “I” have been dating this guy exclusively so it becomes too intense and invested too quickly on my side. I see how it can be destructive now because you put all your focus on one man. Then when he pulls back you’re left confused with the need to know where he’s at. His actions are clear where he’s at, so I don’t think I need the talk – just to pull back and continue working on me and my life. If he comes back great, if he doesn’t I’ve accepted that and the things I’ve been learning have been valuable. I think the talk would do more harm than good… So I’ll wait it out while keeping busy. That doesn’t mean I’m waiting around for this man, it means I’m getting on with my life too. Not wasting draining energy trying to wrk out everything. Coz it was driving me nuts!

I had been out of the dating scene for some time – one year – before this man came along, so have much to learn :)

Hi Ivy,
I admit I’m still interested in this guy when I’m sure most would be screaming why?? I’ve been getting on with my lift this past week so far. Just find it bizarre that the last few weeks he’s been sending sweet texts numerous times throughout the day since I started distancing myself. Guess I would be interested tbh to know if he is genuinely still keen to date or not.. Or just stringing me along. He’s away this week on business. Not sure how to have said talk as I’ve never been in this position before. Usually things just flow

This is how men lead you on…. Sweet texts nd nod dates equals low interest and keeping you around.

If he doesn’t start dating you I would put little to no stock into his texting. Read up on the term e tethering, or electronic tethering. It appears he is doing this to you.

Hi Lylah,

This topic has thrown me for a loop – I read your story and thought, ‘Did I write this in my sleep!??!’ Lol… because I am in practically the same situation as you and it sucks!

My situation is slightly different because I’ve known the guy just under a month…. but the scenarios are nearly identical. And once I also realized I was kind of falling for the guy (pretty much right after I slept with him as well), I’m afraid it must have shown, because I suddenly acted available and eager… which in my opinion, let the guy off the hook regarding being the pursuer, and thus the new distance.

Which, can be a good or bad thing… the right guy for you might need space at first when it starts to feel serious. Just be aware of how it makes you feel. Games aren’t good… but intentions ARE good. And also be aware of if in any way you are not being true to yourself, in order to please a guy (even a great guy). That is where things go downhill, on an internal level. Stay empowered. Sounds like you are. :)

Anyway all I have to say is, hang tight girl. Sometimes awesome guys suck at communication when they don’t know what they want. They often have insecurities of their own. Men can be so aloof. You are right to back away and let him come to you – that being said the others are right that if he does come back to you (in a true way… by asking you out on DATES), having some new boundaries might be in order. Dating is SOOOOO confusing – and I am also in shock sometimes at how I can go so quickly from my sexy, confident self, to feeling completely insecure/pessimistic because a guy I really like is backing off a bit.

So yeah, keep yourself busy, and I’m curious how things will pan out – keep us posted! It’s relevant to a lot of us – a lot of us go through the very same things. :)

So.. Read up about e tethering, it’s correct in that it’s an activity not an action. Last date was 9 days ago. Accepting now that it means very low interest level and his texts mean nothing more than him filling in time, stringing me along as a backup option. Even being away on business, he has ample time to arrange a date if he has time to text.

Calling it quits. Thank you all to who responded, I’m sure I’ve frustrated many with my posts lol but at least I learnt a few things.

Lylah, You hit the nail on the head, even if traveling if he has time to text he has time to set up a date. You are too good to allow yourself to be in a holding pattern with this guy and you deserve more. Learn how to communicate assertively, practice on the next guy. Take your learning lessons. It’s all a journey.

I have to say, THANK YOU! This post was most helpful. I can so relate to you! I have been dating a guy for about 5 months and it’s been so great and we share so many common interest and passions and we get along so well. It was really intense at the beginning, yet I didn’t sleep with him till after 2.5 months of dating (which was my boundary set and he totally respected it).

The last time we slept together he mentioned that he hadn’t felt this type of connection with someone before…… Then he hasn’t slept with me since!?? He still initiates catch ups and we go out for dinner and he holds my hand and is affectionate with me in public and at home, lots cuddles on the couch etc. He stays over most Friday, Sat, Sun nights but we just cuddle.

He becomes distant at times and it really frustrates me. I don’t push him, haven’t asked if we are exclusive or put any pressure on it. I am seriously confused if this guy is actually interested in me at all though. I feel as though perhaps he just see’s me as a ‘friend’ and hence why he still wants to hang out but not sleep with me? Or perhaps he is dating others and is getting it elsewhere? I really need some girls advise on what this is and what I should do :(

Thank you so much Lane for your advice with this one. I really appreciate it. He does talk of future in general and is quite open about some personal things with him and his family, past relationships, having kids and has even taken up one of my passions so he can do it with me. He asks about my family and seems to take an interest. He has met some of my friends yet I have not been introduced to any of his. I guess this is why I get confused, plus the fact there is nothing going on in the bedroom but cuddles and kisses. I’m a pretty cool girl and have backed off and given him space and I am ok with that and just keeping things friendly.

I agree with you, as much as I don’t want to confront it or put myself out there, it’s probably time I stepped out of my comfort zone and just asked the question in a casual way. I don’t want any pressure on it, but I also don’t want to waste my time moving forward with it if he is still seeing others or if he is still deciding what he wants with me….I will make it much easier for him and take me out of the picture. I feel I have done exactly what I shouldn’t have and that is to act like his girlfriend without it being official. Silly me! :( This is where I went wrong! Ooops

maybe you guys had sex too soon and now that he got what he wanted, he doesn’t feel the need to lay on the charm/be on his best behavior. it’s a common theme & it’s happened to me a few times. if you guys waited quite a while before you hooked up I think he would still be all lovey dovey but after a guy has sex with you, he pulls away. in the future, it’s wise to ONLY have sex after the two of you have agreed to be in a relationship. otherwise you have no “say” or expectation of what he’s going to do. no matter how fabulous a woman is it seems when the guy gets what they want after not too much investment on their part they fall back. You should just not contact him & he will come around but when he does don’t say much & treat him like a friend

So, I have a surprising update to share :)

I went NC with the original guy I had invested too much in and wasn’t putting any effort in. Went on a few dates, kept busy with social events etc. after a week, I got a phone call from the very same guy saying he’s missed me and can we catch up? I know most would not have, but I did and now I’m surprised and happy how things have turned out! He explained he’s been hurt from the last relationship quite badly and wanted to be sure he was making the right choice and that I’m the lady he’d like to take that leap with.

I guess the NC was like a little shove in the right direction. He now calls regularly, initiates dates, texts the sweetest things and most importantly, in person his actions reflect his words! It’s only been three weeks since then but, now things just seem to flow naturally.. There’s no tension, no insecurities or questions and we’ve been having so much fun! This weekend he even raised the exclusivity talk :)

In some ways I’ve still got a lot to learn about the ways of men, I know it’s still early days and I’m trying to just be patient this time around and enjoy the moments! In the meantime, I’ve still been lurking here and absorbing all the helpful tips, it’s a great way to keep grounded when something small does come up. I wanted to thank all here who give such valuable advice!