Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is it okay to go on this trip?
- This topic has 13 replies and was last updated 1 year, 2 months ago by
Rox.
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Tally
There’s a mutual friend. He has expressed many times that he likes me. And he flirts. I like him too but I don’t flirt back. I am a shy woman but I am very outgoing. I am just shy and awkward when someone is interested in me. He asked for a date 5 times and I cancelled 5 times. All because I was nervous and shy. Then he stopped communicating. After a few months he texted again and we started talking again, he asked to meet again, this time i went. We had a good time. Then he went to Mauritius for work and he used to text me from there but I never showed much enthusiasm, so he again stopped texting. Then he came back and asked to meet again and we met and then he joked a little about how I don’t give him attention. He is always very open about the fact that he likes me, finds me attractive. I have never said those things to him. I feel shy. We had a good time. We talked about how we should see mountains together as we both like nature a lot. Then he got busy with his MBA applications and exams etc. And he also fell sick. And we didn’t talk for about 30 days. He called today and he told me he was busy with his prep, now exam is over and he was also sick. We talked for two hours. He jokingly mentioned that he was hoping that I would call him atleast once in all this time considering he always takes the effort to call me first, but I didn’t. I told him I was hoping he would call. He said it’s okay let’s finally go to the mountains spend a few days together. Get to know each other. We can work on our laptops during the day and we can go on dates at night or whatever you feel like doing bonfire, trekking anything. We can do some activities that we both like. And we can understand how we are as a person. I liked this idea. I think I can go with him. It didn’t sound like he wants it to be a sex*al thing. So I think we can go together. Do you guys think he wants to just f*ck around? I don’t feel like that’s his intention.
Raven
Why don’t you try a couple more local dates before you go to the mountains for a couple of days with this guy?
Tally
We both move around a lot. So it has been difficult to arrange. Plus when we do have time and he asks i take days to think how to go etc. And I don’t initiate talking to him so he stops initiating after 5-6 times. Like why can he not consistently sent me a good morning everyday without questioning why I am not initiating. For a considerable length of time so I know he intends to talk daily. I mean i don’t want to advance too much with someone who might just be casually flirting around with me. But it just feels awkward to ask what his intentions are this early on.
Tally
Isn’t it weird to ask someone what are we? I have never asked anybody this before.
Maddie
Most guys quickly lose interest in women who don’t seem to reciprocate. Letting the man lead is different than requiring him to do ALL the initiating. It’s okay if you have social anxiety or fears that make it difficult to reach out, but a man making every step forward is no indication of what he’s looking for as some men just love the chase and lose interest once they catch the attention of the woman. There’s no completely safe way to approach a budding relationship that insures you won’t get hurt, but never reaching out means you can’t be vulnerable at all with him and will sabotage anything healthy from growing!
I agree to try going on a couple shorter and more standard dates with this guy first, before you end up stuck with him for a few days unable to easily leave (what if it turns out you don’t get along well, and then things get really awkward?). Get to know each other a bit first before planning on spending a few days together. Traveling together is usually something to work up to rather than to start with, so the trip isn’t a bad idea once you’re better established with each other. It will require you to stop standing him up and start replying faster, though, if you truly do want to get to know him. Instead of expecting him to reach out every time, maybe try a 3:1 rule if it will make it a little easier on you? For every 3 times he initiates, you can feel comfortable initiating the next time. He’s still taking the lead, but at least you’re also participating. Otherwise you won’t know if he’s truly interested in you or is the kind of guy who only idealizes and wants what he feels he cannot have and must chase.
It’s also good to ask someone what they’re looking for, but sometimes people don’t know yet or may not be honest with themselves or you in answering. So it is perfectly okay to ask that, but you still need to get to know him and see if his actions and words match before you know if you can take him seriously. Simply asking him doesn’t mean you can skip the part where you need to participate in getting to know him, even if you think doing so will help you protect yourself from getting hurt.
Tally
Okay. Also,he sent me a cuddling meme last night toh definitely he has something on his mind. Ofcourse he isn’t thinking of separate rooms etc.
Plus, he said he’s gonna be very busy November and December because of his college applications. But that means he is definitely gonna go out of the country next year to college. So what is even the point of dating. He will definitely break things off when moving abroad.
I think i will let this one go.
Ewa
you are very avoidant, you are already thinking about the future when you haven’t even been dating him.
I am sure you are attractive , nice etc but this guy seems desperate, he has no self respect if you are not texting him at all , not showing any interest and he is still reaching out. I would not be interested in him.Tally
But i show interest in him when we talk and meet. We laugh a lot. Crack lots of jokes. Talk about school friends. Our interests. So he knows I am interested in him, but maybe he also looks for actions which he doesn’t see from my end. I need worry what we are, why he didn’t call or text. And I never do it first. He told me his eldest sister married her bf last year and they are very happy. He also said things like when you tell someone you love them, you should be with them till the end and prove your words.
And you are right. I am avoidant. I just feel too nervous and shy and don’t feel like communicating much or even thinking about the person till they on their own tell me what they want, what they are looking for, in what way they want me and be patient with me.
We ended up planning a lot about the trip. He asked me to choose any place I want to go to. Pure coincidence, his college friend runs a cafe and hotel in the place I chose to go. He called up his friend and told him that he’s coming with his “girlfriend”. Then he clarified to me that he said girlfriend so his friend doesn’t think anything weird and suggests good places. His friend asked a lot about me and he told him we are from the same hometown blah blah. He ended up booking places etc. And now it’s gonna look very weird if I cancel and don’t really know how to communicate this to him. I will maybe make some work excuse and cancel and then distance myself. He’s gonna be upset. I mean I will obviously pay my side for the cancellations but he is still going to get upset and will try harder and I will just keep quiet and will not be able to say anything. I don’t understand why I get so shy and nervous in dating situations.
Also, just an observation I noticed he is trying to keep our trip a little too cheap. I don’t mind obviously but does that again suggest he has hookup on his mind?
Ewa
have you been ‘used’ for sex before? As it seems like it worries you a lot.
You don’t really know this guy, I would not be comfortable in sharing a room or a bed with him on this trip.Tally
Everytime a relationship has ended: long term or short term, I always feel it in my gut that the guys tried to use me for sex. I mean if the relationship doesn’t become a marriage even after they said it would, or if they start having problems with things later that they were okay with before etc etc I feel their actual intention was just to have sex.
I sent him a text that I cannot go on the trip because of personal reasons and he said it’s okay, no problem. So I think it’s sorted. I won’t see him again now. Chapter closed.
Ewa
you do realize that if a man wants sex he will get it regardless , he doesn’t have to be in a relationship to get it.
If someone commits to you is because they want to, not because they want easy access to sex, it’s only when people can’t commit but still want to see you is when you can start thinking they might be using you for sex.
But it also worth knowing that men don’t go out looking for relationships, they go out looking for sex and companionship and then they might realize: Ok I like this woman, I want to build something with her.Tally
I know that’s how would think. But I don’t see it like that.
Some men don’t like going on dates, trying to wooo girls etc all the time so they can get sex. They feel it’s better to make a gf so you can get sex whenever you want. And don’t have to deal with the problems of dating. Yes they will act relationshipy because they know that’s what’s gonna keep women. But after a few years or long months they will bored etc because love wasn’t the thing they were staying for. But women feel now suddenly the guy has lost love. No he didn’t lose it suddenly, he just never had it in the first place.
I think most women don’t think like me became they want to find love and also don’t want to unnecessarily hurt themselves. But i believe this is something that happened to EVERY woman. But they will just believe that oh the relationship didn’t work out, however they just don’t want to believe the relationship only existed because the guy wanted sex.
I know you guys will feel that I am projecting my experience of understanding over everyone and generalising things. I must be traumatised. I am not. I just feel this is how it is. I don’t believe “love” suddenly ends. It’s the “lust” for you that ends. Love was never there in the first place. No matter what he said.
mama
It sounds like men and sex are a threat to you on a level that goes beyond a dating forum. Might want to explore that with a therapist.
Rox
hi Tally,
it’s this line that I don’t understand of your story ” He asked for a date 5 times and I cancelled 5 times”. You must have really disliked him already
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