Is it wrong of me to want him to say sweet things?


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  • This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 9 years ago by Maria.
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  • #483690 Reply
    Rachel

    The guy I am dating is in med. school with me. He is not a good communicator. I feel like he hides his emotions a lot. I’ll tell him that I love laying next to him and how I am completely at peace with the world when I am near him. We hid our feelings for one another for quite a few months until recently, so I have a hard time holding back when I tell him that I love him and things like that. I like to say it a couple of times because it feels so good to finally be able to say it.

    I have told him many times that I feel he is a bad communicator. He doesn’t make me feel special. He says that he shouldn’t have to because I should already know how he feels? How can I know if he doesn’t tell me. He does spend his free time with me and texts me to get dinner between study sessions a lot, so I know he enjoys being around me. But how do I know that he feels the same way for me that I do for him?
    It would be nice to hear him say something sweet every now and then! He says he thinks those things, but his brain doesn’t think to say them. He said he’s a guy and that’s how guys are.

    Is this normal? It keeps eating away at me that he can’t be romantic at all. He is perfect other than this. I realize actions are more important than just words, but some sweet words would be nice every now and then. It would be nice to know if he thought I looked pretty or if he noticed how creative I am for example. I don’t want to be a brat about this, so I need some feedback, because I may be expecting too much. Thank you in advance!

    #483693 Reply
    Phillygirl

    I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to want those things, but you can’t make someone do something.

    I am a very physically and verbally affectionate person so I can’t be with someone who doesn’t speak the love languages of words of affirmation and physical touch.

    This may come down to a compatibility issue. If this is something you really need, and he is incapable of providing it, it will become an issue that manifests itself greater over time.

    Just something to consider and look at. The things that upset us at the beginning, usually become much bigger over time (and as we get more comfortable with someone).

    Relationship ls require compromise on both sides. If you give up something you really need though, it usually doesn’t bode well for success in the long term

    #483695 Reply
    Jules

    Rachel, I think this is something you’re going to have to learn to live with or move on.

    The guy I’m dating is very much like this. People have different ways of expressing their love and affection. You should check out the book, The 5 Languages of Love.

    I’ll explain my situation because I think you’ll find yourself in it.

    My guy spends the vast majority of his free time with me. For the most part, that’s how I know he likes me. We don’t have deep emotionally talks and when I try to, he looks a little confused, lol. I know he cares about me and is probably even coming to the point of loving me but he just doesn’t show it in the same way I would. When I love someone I want to hold them and tell them how I feel. I’m very expressive with my emotions.

    I recently had a talk with him and explained that me spending the level of time I do with him is intentionally, meaning I am doing it because I know thats how he feels loved( that’s his “love language”). I then explained how I feel loved (affection). I then asked him, “if I told you how much I cared about you and hugged you all the time but never spent much time with you, would you feel like I really cared?” I wasn’t rude when I said this. I was trying to get him to understand my perspective and it worked. After that he initiating affection so much more.

    We all have different ways in which we express love. It’s generally said that men do not share their feelings like women do. Girls are socialized to talk about feelings and be expressive, boys aren’t.

    Some women learn to deal with men like this and just look at his actions. Others can’t deal with these type of relationships. I thought for sure, knowing myself, that I NEEDED to hear these things. I NEEDED to hear how he felt on a regular basis. With time I’ve found that I don’t need to hear it, I can see it.

    #483710 Reply
    Rose

    It’s not wrong that you want to hear nice things from the guy you’re with but he is who he is and you can’t force him to be romantic.

    All you can do is be yourself, romantic and all an he might learn that showing emotions is OK.

    Do not make him feel bad for what he can’t give you and be thankful for what he does well.

    #483746 Reply
    malley

    This just happened to me today…. I was feeling a little blue because the last time my boyfriend who I am seeing in a LDR didn’t say sweet things either.

    So I told him today, Hey, I want to be amazingly special to you. He said you are. In everyway.
    I said, but you don’t tell me and I don’t want to just have a contented relationship. I want it to be vibrant in every way. He said it is and you are beautiful in every way.

    This conversation at least got the ball rolling. I told him that when he sees me and doesn’t say anything I feel that he doesn’t think it and he said the same thing your man did…. I am thinking it I just don’t say it.

    So I think you can get him to say it by gently asking certain questions. I am going to just ask to get what I need because my man is so special to me I am not letting him go for something like this.

    #483812 Reply
    Rachel

    So when I told him this, he told me that he’s never had a girl friend of his complain that he is not affectionate enough with his words. He has dated at least 8 girls before me, so this made me feel like I expect too much.

    He says that he feels that spending time with somebody is more important than hugging them a lot and telling them how much you love them. I asked him if I stopped spending time with him, but I hugged and kissed him a lot when I was with him would he feel as loved? He said he would not feel as loved because spending time with somebody is the most important way to let somebody know you love them.

    But the thing is, I have an ex that I spent a lot of time with, but I wasn’t crazy about him. I adored him in many ways, but the way I feel for this guy is much more intense. How do I know that he feels the same intense feelings for me that I feel for him? Or how do I know if he just loves me the way I loved my ex, which was not really in a romantic way?

    #483815 Reply
    Gemini615

    Rachel, this is who he is, take it or leave it. Men are not overly emotional creatures and they express their feelings in a more physical way than verbally. For example they might fix your car, mow the lawn, pick up your favorite ice cream at the grocery store…and ACT of love for them is their way of expressing their feelings. A man making time for you IS his way of letting you know you’re important to him. Sweet words mean nothing; read around on this forum and see all the women who have men saying sweet nothings to them for months but never seem to have time to spend with them.

    I think you are nitpicking. If him saying sweet things to you is THAT important than you simply aren’t compatible. You can’t change him, either accept how he is and be grateful for the ways he is showing his love or find someone who will be more verbally expressive about their feelings.

    #483837 Reply
    Maria

    What is your gut feeling telling you? I think a woman always know just how much her guy loves her. By the way they touch you, they way they look at you, there is something in their eyes, how they smile when they see you..listen to your gut.

    If you feel that he does love you genuinely then all you can do is ask questions and get your verbal oxytocins by hearing his answers. keep asking questions, maybe with time he will learn to “volunteer” his answers.

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