Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is my boyfriend not being supportive?
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 2 years, 5 months ago by
mama.
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Taylor
I work full time and recently applied for a public service post (take time out of my practice to help regulate certain professional standards). I went for an interview last Friday, which my bf knew about, and I haven’t heard from the hiring people yet. They said they will let me know early next week.
Come Monday, no news. Tuesday, no news. I’m starting to get anxious because early next week means Monday or Tuesday. Wednesday is mid week and Thursday- Friday is end of the week. So I’ve been stressing out after work since the start of this week. And today my bf was just annoyed at me and said my relatives neighbour just lost their baby.
I was like ok…I was really confused and he said if you think you had a bad day, someone else’s day is worst. Wft? I get it is devastating but I don’t know them…. He just walked away being don’t bother me with the job thing again and went into his room to game.
Aghhh I feel anxious about the job and he’s just acting like this. Am I shallow and cold hearted cause I didn’t feel anything about the baby who passed away? If so, that means we all need to feel something for poverty, people dying every day…. I get the argument form both sides but amu I not allowed to feel anxious and maybe moan about why hiring team is taking so long?
I just want the job and feel like I couldn’t talk to him about it….
Taylor
His relative not my relative (typo)
Ewa
Maybe he doesn’t understand how important this is for you? What’s his job ? Is he ambitious? Maybe he is jealous you are doing better than him ? I know it sounds strange but some people are like that
Maddie
Is he usually supportive? Is this out of the ordinary? Or is it a newer relationship so it is the first time you’re experiencing how he deals with a stressful situation?
His response was a little ridiculous. It isn’t his relative, it’s his relative’s neighbor?! Is it someone he’s close to at all? He could be jealous you’re up for a good job and he’s not, as Ewa said, or he could be bad with other people’s strong emotions and lash out defensively instead of knowing what to do. Either of those would be not great. But there are other possibilities too since we can’t read his mind, which is why I asked if this is normal or he’s just having a bad day (still doesn’t mean he should take it out on you by belittling you or minimizing your feelings and being dismissive).
No matter what the reason, if you don’t feel supported and you haven’t been together that long, you should listen to your gut about your feelings. Don’t make excuses if his response seems really off to you.
Good luck getting good news back about the job!
Taylor
We’ve been together nearly 3 years now. He’s normally quite supportive so not likely anything to do with jealousy. I’m not going to portrait myself as the perfect gf- like I get moody myself too But I just don’t understand what he’s feeling and why being so moody about this girl who lost her baby (his relative’s neighbour). He was showing me the Facebook post and saying it’s devastating and everything and I’m like err…ok..?! I looked up the condition but I don’t know what to say apart from I don’t know them?? I work in healthcare so I see this a lot and I don’t generally feel overwhelming emotional just that I am sorry for their situation. He himself just became an uncle. However his niece was in hospital for some serious issue so I guess he feels relatable? What puzzles me is since this issue, he’s not shown much worry and normally quite relaxed so I don’t understand.
I tried to make conversation and he’s not putting in any effort at all. I tried to suggest movies and to sit next to me and he’s just not feeling it. Could his worry be simply about his niece or something that stemmed from the neighbour or that he is just a considerate?
Been walking on egg shells round home tonight …
Thanks Maddie, fingers crossed, hope it’s good news.
Maddie
Since this is out of the ordinary and you’re in a long relationship, it sounds like you may need to put aside your understandable preoccupation with the interview and ask him if he’s okay after what happened with his niece. Make the conversation about him and then listen to whatever he has to say. Sounds like he’s going through something that he doesn’t know how to process. You can’t process it for him, but you can be supportive yourself and find out what’s wrong if he’s willing to talk about it. He clearly feels a disconnect from you right now, and perhaps from everyone while he’s dealing with this, and he can’t see past it right now to give you emotional energy for your anxiety. If it’s because he’s emotionally confused and drained about his situation, he may be able to come back around and reciprocate the support after he knows you’re there for him and care about whatever he’s going through and has recharged his batteries so to speak.
mama
By bringing up someone else’s (worse) situation I think he was trying to make you feel better — albeit very poorly. Maybe he got frustrated/exasperated after failing to make you feel better and went to game as a way to get some personal space and recover from his failure.
Men like to make things better. When they try and fail, they internalize that.
My partner is supportive — I have been through some very difficult couple of years (death of both parents, illness, serious injuries, etc) and he has been my rock. But even rocks get tired of being the only support all the time. If you have extreme anxiety like this, maybe spread your need for support over a few other close friends as well as your partner. I personally realized this shortly into my rough times and got a therapist. It’s helped immensely — for myself and for my relationship.
bottom line: Try not to make him your sole support. It can be exhausting for the other person.
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