Is my ex a narcissist?

Be ready to read my love story. One I thought would have a happy ending but instead it was ugly. Very ugly.

I met with my boyfriend 10 months ago, it was a tinder date which turned to be my first real relationship. Everything was bliss. He was very attentive to my needs, always there to support me, loved me unconditionally or so I thought. I shared with him many details of my personal life, even some issues I had with my parents. He, on the other hand, was more secretive. I only knew some details of his life and when I told him that I wanted to connect on a deeper level as he had, he told me that his life is perfect with me in it so he doesn’t have to share anything bad or he doesn’t need any support.

In the course of our relationship, he began telling some petty lies. Nothing too serious but yet enough to start making me suspicious and beginning losing trust. But he loved me a lot so I thought that I would be stupid to risk the relationship. I talked to him about my concerns and he reassured me that he would never lie to me again and that he loves me.

Throughout the entire relationship he didn’t work. He is 27 years old and he wanted to do some lessons that would help him advance his career. He told me that there were not many vacancies for those lessons and he had to wait. Many months passed and yet nothing so I asked him again if he had any news. Truth is I was a bit annoyed by the fact that he didn’t work, didn’t do any chores in his family house, didn’t know how to cook etc. He told me then that there is a position for him and that he would start soon. He gave me a specific date but after some days he changed it. When he finally started the lessons I was very encouraging and proud of him! I started sending him morning texts which he answered later in the day. Lots of things didn’t add up and I became once more suspicious. So I started looking online for these lessons and I was shocked from what I found. First, no lessons started when he had told me. Second, the lessons themselves -their names- were completely different, the material was different, even the hours! Out of mere coincidence I had a friend who had done the exact same lessons and verified my concerns. He lied to me and I was 100% sure. My world fell apart. I didn’t sleep that night, I couldn’t believe that my oh so perfect boyfriend lied to me about something so important as his future.

I was scared of him. I didn’t know how he would react if I told him what I knew. So I decided to break up over the phone. When I told him what I knew HE DENIED EVERYTHING. He said that he could prove it, that he would send me photos from the class, official papers but up to this date he has sent me nothing. All I got was confessions of love, how he would hate to destroy the relationship over lies, and that if he wanted to lie he would have crafted it better. He made videos, telling me how important I am to him, he did everything he could to prove me wrong and forgive him. He even crafted a story that would possibly explain everything but again I found proofs that mark it as false as well.

I decided to go no contact, he kept texting me and I responded hoping that maybe this time he would tell me the truth. But he didn’t. I showed compassion, told him he could trust me and yet he insisted on telling me the truth even if he couldn’t contradict the evidence.

His last message was difficult though. He called me toxic for going through all this process of “spying” as he called it. He accused me of not investing in the relationship, that he did all the work. He started naming all the good things he did for me and that this was how I thanked him. That he was anxious for many issues of his own but kept it hidden because he didn’t want to make me sad. Accusations, accusations and more accusations. I was hurt and sad and didn’t answer because I was so fed up with stating the obvious. I read online that this is typical of narcissists and maybe he was one, I don’t know. What I do know is that what I have found out is the truth. For this there is no possibility of misunderstanding.

Some of my friends, even my mom believes that I should defend myself to him. Tell him that when I asked him to be more open he said that he was fine and now he claims he did it for my own well-being. That I have contributed in the relationship too but didn’t keep a checklist. I don’t want though. I just need to relax and go through my process of grief without exchanging nasty texts. He even challenged me to answer to prove him I’m strong, but for me not answering is stronger. I don’t know.

Thank you for reading my story.