Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Is My Friend Stringing Me Along? Please Help!
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Stefanie.
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Holly
Hi everyone, and thanks in advance for reading.
I’ve been friends with a guy I met at work for about nine months. We didn’t hit it off right away, but after a couple of months, I began to suspect that he had a crush on me, based on my catching him staring at me, the way he talked to me, and the way he made piercing, lingering eye contact when we talked. We started spending a little time together, and he asked me lots of questions about myself and vice versa. It got to the point where I was sure he was about to make a move, but he never did. One night we had some drinks after work and I jumped him and we made out for a while, but that was it. The one time I suggested making plans, he blew me off. Then, I heard through the grapevine that he didn’t want to hook up with anyone from work, so I decided to back off.
Fast forward a couple of months. He quit a few weeks ago, and we’ve hung out twice–once he invited me over to his house to watch the premiere of a very popular zombie show, and he came to a party at my house two weeks later. He invited me to his Halloween party this week, and he asked me to come over early so we can decorate and get ready together. I’m still feeling unsure, because over the last few months I’ve made it pretty clear that I have feelings for him, he refuses to let me know one way or the other how he feels about me. At my party the other night, I had a bit of liquid courage and confronted him about his mixed signals. I told him I felt like I’d made my feelings clear, and he agreed. I asked him if he was attracted to me, and he said yes. Then I asked him why, then, wouldn’t he kiss me, and he said he had been hurt before and didn’t want to get hurt again. He wouldn’t tell me what happened to him, all I know is that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in several years, and the last girl he was with was a work romance and she’s had her current boyfriend for two years, so maybe she cheated on him? So I asked why he would do things like cuddle with me and offer me rides to work almost every day knowing how I felt about me when he wouldn’t reciprocate, and he said that I’d been so comforting (his words) to him while he went through a health scare a couple of months ago. We spent two hours cuddling in my bed and talking like this while my guests were entertaining themselves around the fire in my backyard.
I feel like he’s either afraid that he’ll lose my friendship if he tells me he’s not interested in being more than friends, or he does want to take things to the next level but is too afraid so he’s doing whatever he has to do to keep me around without actually taking a risk and making a real move. I already asked him how he felt once and he couldn’t tell me, so what do I do? Should I give him some kind of ultimatum–like, stop jerking me around and tell me how you feel or I won’t be your friend anymore, or should I just move on? I don’t want to lose his friendship, but I can’t be just friends with him right now until I get over him. There will be tons of cute guys at his party Friday–should I flirt with one of his friends and see how he reacts? Please help!
Lane
Hi Holly.
Ok, once you made your feeling clear you should have backed off and see what he did. Trust me, a man who’s truly interested in a woman will start the pursuit and if he had a secret crush on you like you believed he did, expressing your feelings to him would have given him the opportunity and begin the pursuit, the fact he didn’t shows he really isn’t interested in you like you believe he was.
I’ve known many guys who had crushes on me and if I gave them the “green light” they would have jumped at the opportunity to woo me over—in fact I actually married one!
You need to stop pursuing him. I suggest you pull way back on the romantic stuff, start dating, stay busy living your normal single life and if he wants to be with you he will step up and let your know.
Holly
I forgot to mention–the night he came to my party, while we were in my bed, he told me he loved me.
Stefanie
Holly, that’s a pretty major “forgot to mention” – LOL.
You do know that’s BS, right?? He doesn’t love you, he wants to get into your pants.
Don’t give anyone ultimatums, it doesn’t work. How do YOU feel when someone says it’s my way or the highway?
We all fall too easily for the poor “wounded” man so hurt and hard done by the last woman. Not your problem. Let him know he has to bring his A game to play with you and he’ll rise to the challenge.
Ela
It will surprise you to hear that age doesn’t change things in the dating game. Me 60 and he 70 both widowed and single again, have had a year of a relationship which doesn’t seem to go beyond his helping me with managing my country estate and getting together on weekends with profuse sex. He keeps to himself during the rest of the week.
Which is definitely NOT what I’d really expect from a commited partner, so having given it a year’s chance to grow, and seeing he is comfortable with the on/off dynamics, I lowered my expectations and grew emotionally distant, keep up with my gratitude for his help and let him enjoy his own life. I guess what he needs is my external validation for his masculinity, but honestly my heart is no more into him, because I felt he was manipulating me into “Take it or leave it” I decided to do neither, but keep the middle way- as long as
he is helpful, he’ll be welcome, but he won’t have me dependant on his favours, sex and presence.
Now, what will you do in my place, responses will be appreciated:))))Harley
Ela. ..I’d dump his lazy sorry ass. Really I would. At your age you deserve better. Hire yourself a fit looking gardener like Jesse in Desperate Housewives. Seriously
!! This guy is giving you nothing yet getting everything.Merri
My brain can not stop asking myself if I’m doing the right thing or not by staying and being the best friend but I’m going thru a crazy situation where I desperately need advice. I have known a guy for like 9 months and my stepsister in the beginning tried hooking us up. Well since then we have became really close, like I mean we do a lot together but he claims he isn’t ready for anything serious and doesn’t want to label our relationship saying everything is great and doesn’t want anything to change. He says he doesn’t want a committed relationship and has been single for the past few years now. I am the only girl he is involved with and he always makes sure I’m took care of. He is nothing but great to me and we cuddle every night and he also had me move in. He has always been there for me as well. Its like I keep getting mixed signals but I feel deep down that this is where I belong.I do have some doubt but wondering if I’m wasting my life away being here. I feel that if I leave and walk away that I’d be throwing away something that could have been. He says he cares for me more than he would like to admit so what should I do? Should I stay or move out. He said he loves me but that he isn’t in love with me. But his actions speak the opposite.
yams
Merri- you have to move out and move on. Here’s why.
Whenn a guy says he’s not looking for anything more with you, you believe him. So many girls think that if they stick around they’ll change his mind. But there’s no way that’s going to happen because if you stick around you tacitly accept what crumbs he is offering you. Why should he offer more to you just because you want more, when he already has what he wants and is happy with the status quo? Zero incentive.
If you genuinely believe that he actl can’t live without you or likes you as more than what he’s saying that’s fine. It’s possible. A lot of men just can’t or refuse to confront their feelings about a woman. The only chance you stand to make him realize that he wants you is … back off!! If you stick around and do what he wants, he has no incentive to confront his feelings. If you stick around and keep pestering him about making it more, you’re going to make him shut down and push him away. Men don’t like being told what to do; nobody does. You can’t MAKE anyone realise their feelings for you simply by confessing your own or by pushing them.
Back off. Firstly it will give you the space to realize that it’s not this guy that you really want- say the guy agrees to marry you but still tells you he’s not in love with you and keeps you emotionally distanced. Do you want that? No you don’t. What you want is the guy PLUS the little bit more. But the little bit more makes all the difference in the world. With some space you will appreciate that you do NOT want what he’s currently offering – if you did you wouldn’t be on this website.
Secondly, backing off is the only way you’re going to give him the space to make him realize that he’s going to have to put in more to have you. He’s currently getting all he wants from you but isn’t giving you all you want. Once he’s had space, he either decides that he really wants you back- in which case you come back on your terms, or he decides that he’s better off moving on. If the latter happens, you’re no loser either because you got the answer you needed to move on. Plus you didn’t lose much- you lost a guy who wasn’t enough for you.
yams
And if you don’t believe me, don’t break it off with him just yet. Take some space. Tell him you need to take some space for yourself and you’ll get in touch when you’re readym Keep it vague.
Take the space and see how it helps you realize that you don’t want what he is offering right here right now. You want that little bit more but he’s not giving it!
buttercup
I have a guy best friend. Met nearly 4 years ago. I crushed on him for two years, but he wasn’t interested in that way. In fact he was crushing on my best female friend!
I told him I had feelings, he said he adored me but didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
Honestly, in my eyes, no man compared to him. He ended up getting it on with my friend. Thats another story, but, this allowed me to have a 3 month break of No Contact with him. This was painful to deal with but during this time I met someone and fell in love.
We spoke again and got our friendship back on track. My crush was over and I could truely now just be a good friend. We have supported each other through heartbreaks, and we know that no matter how much we get let down by others we can rely on each other.
I’m kinda sensing a shift now though. He’s told me he’s often wondered what would have happened if we had got together. We’re both too scared to ruin the friendship and trust we’ve built.
If its meant to be, it will be!
Maybe you need to take a break from each other. Get things in perspective a bit. Get busy with other people, date other men. If he wants you it could give him the kick up the arse he needs!
yams
That’s exactly what I mean Buttercup. I’m going through smth similar myself. Except in this case it’s been a friendship with a little more- flirting, a lot of chatting etc (nothing sexual- we are both conservative). I feel like there’s smth and I want more with him. He hasn’t said he doesn’t want more, but he keeps avoiding dealing with the issues we are now facing. He basically wants status quo and I can tell it’s cuz hes horrible at confronting his feelings- 25 and never been in a relationship before. Doesn’t play around etc.
So I’ve backed off. And it’s made me realize that I don’t want what he’s offering. I want what I think he could offer, but until he’s ready to, I’m gone.
buttercup
Yeah, sometimes we have to look beyond the attraction, and realise whether who and what they are is really what we want.
With my guy friend we are extremely similar in how we view love and relationships. Our morals are the same too. We’ve both said many times how similar we are. We seem to go through similar events together too. Our break ups seem to happen at the same time. We both get messed about with others treating us like shit, blowing hot and cold, etc.
We both are loving and have loads of love to give someone. And we both want to be loved too. We both suffer self esteem issues brought on from past partners too.
We know there is a lot of love between us. We both fear the damage that ‘getting it on’ could do to our friendship.
Harley
B………….. you DO notice you talk A LOT about singer guy these days !!!!!!!
I’ve a feeling things are going to come to a head here soon.
NEW guy seems great.. but you keep mentioning singer !!!!
As you CORRECTLY said, getting it on with friends is hard. look at me and Frank now. Avoiding each other because it didn’t work out, perhaps SOME day we will salvage a friendship.
The ONLY thing in your favour here.. is you and singer want the same thing! Frank and I didn’t. WE were the classic one night stand friends.. lets not go there again from HIS point of view.
WHAT will be, will be. Right now.. singer is too damaged. JUST………… watch out for that mistletoe at Xmas !
serina
So I met this guy online. We hit it off on our first date. So we decided to go on another date again the next following week but instead we decided to just hang out at his apartment and watch Netflix. When we first met I told him I was looking for a good friend to hang out with and let nature decide for us what will happen. While in his apartment we layed down on his bed and he wanted to cuddle so we decided to cuddle then we made out for over 30 mins with breaks in between. Every time when I ask for a break in between the make out sessions he will say I should leave his place when I got up to leave he’ll say he was joking, he kept doing that for a while through out our 30 min make out session. So I decided to leave his apartment all together when I got home I text him I was home and goodnight he text back goodnight with a :) OK the next day he didn’t text me until I text him. When I ask him why he’s taking forever to reply he said he was with his dad and I said oh okay then he text back saying I’m doing too much.I replied he was doing too much too but he didn’t reply back. The next day I decided to stop texting him because I’m making myself seem desperate because he said I was doing too much then at 10pm he text me but I haven’t replied yet and I have no intentions to unless y’all give me advice on what to do and what’s his deal is.
Jenna
@serina I think this guy is not interested in you beyond friends with benefits. Stop texting him. If he truly is interested, he’ll take you out on real dates, not take you to his apartment hoping for sex to happen.
Stefanie
There needs to be a whole rule book here for dating online. Women make the same mistakes over and over and over and it’s sad and needless. It boils down to a few simple guidelines:
1) Guy you meet online is actively dating and has a huge and easily accessible pool of women to choose from
2) Therefore you have take extra time and care to ensure if he seems interested in you, that it’s genuine and he really meets your standards
3) Getting sexual with an online date too quickly is probably going to end in tearsI don’t do online dating. Too many head trips. I lived in Silicon Valley way back when Match.com first started and it was actually fun then. Now it’s a drag. Better to meet men in the real world IMO. But I know it works for some people.
Stefanie
Serina, it is dangerous to go to a man’s house when you don’t know him well and you’ve met him online.
Asking you to his house for a second date is a big red flag that he is only seeking sex. Drop him, no further contact and for heaven’s sake wise up before you get emotionally or physically hurt.
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