Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is not texting normal
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mama.
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Tanya
Hi. After some advice please.
Been chatting with a guy for about four weeks (due to lockdown here, couldn’t meet). Its been paced well, we will chat a lot one evening then a couple of text only the next day. There have been three times in the four weeks where there was silence for two or three days. I habe on two occasions then text and hes warm and chatty. The last time I left it, amd on day three he text something witty and we were chatting again.Eventually we met but due to restrictions could only go for a walk, which we did and it was nice. He text later saying he wanted to see me again. A nice nit of banter and that was it. That was three days ago.
We have chatted about red flags in the past with people and ive said men tend to be full on and then pull back and I dont like that. Hes never been full on, and has been clear hes more a laid back steady sort rather than full throttle.
I dont intend to contact as I text last in our conversation. Or should I? Is three days, actually it’ll be four days tomorrow, too long if someone is interested? I dont want to sound heavy or expectant of him at this point
Any thoughts and advice?
Ewa
What are you texting about though? Where I live everything is closed so texting hey how are you how was your day can get boring really quickly!
Have you arrange another date ? If not then I would take it as a sign he is not that interested.Ewa
In fact I was talking to a guy on dating app and he wanted to meet up so we set a date for Thursday and I messaged him on Monday to confirm and didn’t contact him until Thursday because I didn’t see a point of asking him everyday how was his day when we do absolutely nothing because of lockdown However when we met he said that me not texting was weird …
mama
Sounds like he has some healthy boundaries in place in regards to texting, so that is a good sign. Especially after you said it’s a red flag if a guy goes “full on”.
Don’t initiate conversation/text. Let him do that. And if it’s been a while, just find something to distract you and fill your time and attention. If he’s interested, he’ll reach out. think about it this way — if you reach out and he responds, you’ll have no idea if he’s doing it out of genuine interest or obligation and you’ll feel just as unsure as you do now.
Just try and be patient and let this develop slowly. You’re doing well, enjoy this. ;)
Tanya
Thanks ladies. Good advice.
At this point im not bothered, I’d rather know early on if he suites me or not. This is day four so I’m taking it that either he isnt interested in taking things further or he actually is, I will hear from him, but he isnt for me as he is likely someone who is an occasional contacter and whilst full in is a red flag, nothing for four days likely is too?
Liz Lemon
You’re overthinking it. He’s a guy you met one time. You don’t know his character well enough to say “he is likely someone who is an occasional contacter”.
It may be that he met you & didn’t feel a spark & lost interest. I know he said he wanted to see you again but people say that all the time to be polite. Or, he may have felt that at the moment, and upon further reflection realized he didn’t actually want to see you again (I’m guilty of that myself). Or, maybe he liked you but is talking to several women (which is totally fine at this stage), and will get back to you soon. Or maybe he has personal things going on with family, work. I met my bf online & after our first date it took him 4-5 days to contact me because of a family crisis (his mother was ill & needed surgery). We’ve been together over 3 years now. If I had written him off we wouldn’t be where we are now.
Take mama’s advice & be patient. I know you want to know early on whether he suits you but it can take more than one date and a few days to figure that out. If he reaches out & asks to see you again, great. If not, there’s your answer. In the meantime busy yourself with other things.
Tanya
Hi ladies. Again thanks for the time you’ve put into the feedback and your thoughts, very appreciated.
So I actually ended up texting him on day four. Just something light. He responded and we continued to chat. He then said he was pleased I text, as he thought I’d lost interest and he didnt want to look pushy. He said he would have contacted, but was so pleased I did as he now knows that I’m not just being polite (he read my responses after our date as much shorter than they were before, so made an assumption I’d lost interest)
We are now chatting away and planning date two.
Its a tricky one, as mainly I would totally agree that you should leave it to the man. And maybe this would have resolved when he did eventually contact in the same way it has now. But I guess we don’t always know what a guy might interpret too as I was pretty shocked to hear his interpretation of my shorter texts which weren’t at all purposefully so
Ewa
hello Tanya,
I am glad, however men are not women they don’t assume, if he liked you he would have contacted you regardless of how short your messages were.
But see how the date 2 goes . Good luck :)Tanya
Hey. Thanks I appreciate your view. But im unsure where its written in stone that a man would never assume…
That was the word he used, and therefore why would that not be believed? Maybe he lacks a little confidence, drew conclusions not there. He is now initiating as he was before. People are individuals. And whilst something might be applied as a general rule of thumb of reaction, you cannot possibly make such a bold statement about men and women as ‘men don’t assume’
Clearly on occasion they do
mama
well, for what it’s worth, my advice was a bit hypocritical. I reached out to the man I’m with after a few weeks of silence and he replied. We’ve been together about 2 and a half years now. He jokes that he thought he blew it with me back then by waiting too long in between correspondence and that once I reached out after that, he wasn’t going to blow it again. And he hasn’t — he’s been all in since then. So yes, you never know.
Good luck! :) Not everyone fits a formula — there’s always the exception — but there is a pattern with many.
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