Is she a rebound?

Yup.. stick to your guns. you are thinking things through rationally here.

WE.. all want them back.. AT FIRST.

Time and distance does wonders.. been there, done that.

I have NO doubt… give a few mths.. he WILL be in touch. YOU .. will be in a much better place THEN.. to deal with it.

NOW.. it’s all still too raw.

Thanks Harley and Rebecca,

It’s only been a couple of days since my last post but I already feel things are getting better. Over the last couple of weeks all I have done is sit home reading breakup advice on the internet and pining for him. This weekend I feel like something has shifted. Don’t get me wrong i’m still having a good crying session at least twice a day but i’ve really got out, done other things and spent less time on the internet this weekend. I haven’t checked his fb profile and I don’t want to as I know this will hurt. I don’t know if I will relapse next week and have a look but right now I am aware that this is what hurts me the most. When I step away from fb I can grieve properly and see the situation properly rather than being clouded by pictures of him looking like he’s having a fantastic time.

I’m getting better at shifting the focus onto me. I hit the gym yesterday, came home and had a lovely soak int he bath with candles on and cooked myself a healthy meal. I haven’t cooked in weeks so this is a vast improvement. I went to another gym class this morning and i’m off for tea with my family later. Focussing on getting fit and healthy is really helping me. I’ve also been brushing up on my diving theory by watching the videos I have been given. It’s really exciting thinking that I could be going away on a diving trip once i’ve got me open water qualification!

I’m also beginning to wonder if he was right for me at all. I’m starting to se the ways in which we weren’t compatible. If he’s happy with what e is doing right now then that’s great but to be honest I would rather be in my situation after this breakup than his. I couldn’t even imagine jumping from having a house and planning a family with someone to going straight into an exes arms. I think if my head wasn’t already in bits it would be the nail in the coffin. Even if we flipped roles here and an ex had been talking to me, so I pulled out of the relationship due to doubts my head would be all over the place, if I just went off and started spending time with that other person. I wouldn’t have had time to process the end of my current relationship and some point, maybe if things didn’t work out with the ex everything would come down on me like a ton of bricks and hit me hard. Also, i’m sat here in this lovely house (that was for the two of us), while he is sleeping on his mother sofa. Not hard to see who’s coming better off here really.

So here’s the plan for the next few weeks…

– Keeping my shit together and sticking to NC (in weird way sometime I feel like I enjoy not hearing from him, it’s almost a really nice peaceful feeling. I don’t know if that makes sense?)

– Getting super fit at the gym and attending as many classes as possible

– Cooking for myself more and eating healthy

– Seeing family and friends and getting out as much as possible

– Focussing on diving

– I really need to try and get me head back into work before I lose my job, I have been a wreck during the last few weeks and need to start putting the time back in.

– I also need to get onto of things that need doing at home which Ihave let slide such as sitting out bills etc.

So i’m going to keep as busy as possible and try and push on through the pain. I’m in his area next week but i’m not sure I feel strong enough to drop his stuff off yet. He has said he doesn’t need it right away and it really is nothing that can’t wait – mainly just clothes which he has done without for the past two months anyway, so no rush. I think I might just drop the back off at his mums in a couple of months when he has left the UK and gone back to his military base. I’m not pressuring myself on this one. he dumped me and made me feel like crap, so he can wait till I feel better before he gets his belongings.

Hope you’re all having a great weekend! Sorry for any typos, this was all a bit rushed. I’m feeling a lot better though overall! Thanks for your support :)

Claire.. you are doing great. Some very valid points you sorted out in your own head.. are you compatible, his rushing to the ex, not rushing to give his stuff back.

Continue on the path you are on ! It DOES get easier.. around 7-8 weeks.

I too… loved not hearing from my ex, snooping on fb.. I healed quicker.

I don’t know how i’m going to sleep tonight :(

That’s very true, I guess I had a lucky escape.

Just spoke to one of my friends and she thinks I should see him and talk calmly about the situation for some closure. She said it’s like he’s had his cake and eaten it and gotton away with it and she can’t believe that i’ve just sat back and done nothing about it. Pretty much all of my friends have said the same thing. She also said might think that I just don’t care and he’s gone to his ex as a second best option (not so sure about this one, don’t want to start getting deluded ideas in my head here) What do you think? I don’t want to appear weak by sitting back and not saying anything but I kindof feel like silence is the best option. It’s possible I could rip his head right off now! haha!

I was possibly thinking of finding out when he is in the UK until…. I think it’s mid sept, and if i’m feeling strong by then I will arrange to meet him to hand his stuff back, make sure I am looking fabulous and tell him to go and f*** himself and never come near me again. It’s tempting.

On the other hand the sweetest revenge would be to do nothing and see the look on his face if it didn’t work out between them and he came crawling back. Is this relationship between them seriously going to work? I mean good luck to them but it foes kin of have disaster written all over it to me. He is JUST out of a relationship, surely she’s going to be feeling insecure about whether or not she is a rebound girl. AND they’re both in the forces and at some point are going to have to spend a considerable amount of time away from each other which is what led to their problems in the first place. I am morbidly curious about all of this and i’m tempted to say nothing and watch it from the sidelines. Maybe it will work out? Who knows, but he is going to look like the biggest berg in the world if it doesn’t! Everyone on flipping Facebook can see that has just split up with his gf and jumped into bed with his ex. It’s just madness. Maybe that sums him up and I don’t need that in my life.

Hi Claire.

Do not listen to your friends or send that text! Delete him from FB and just drop his suitcase off at his mom’s when they aren’t home, and move on!

You got your closure, he’s with her, and nothing you say or do will change it but make you look small, weak and vengeful and that’s NOT where you want to be! I know how hard this is, its like he ripped your heart of your chest and stomped on it, but do not allow to continue to hold the power over it or you!

Take the “out of sight, out of mind” step this very moment. Hide or remove all remnants of him and the MOMENT you start thinking about him, write out how you feel which I called “venting through writing”, cry, feel the pain, and do this until you feel like you’ve gotten it ALL OUT, then put the journal or WP document away, don’t touch it again, and MOVE ON. (This took me about a month after ending my 20 year marriage)

After finishing this, anytime you think of him immediately REFOCUS it something else, a movie, puzzle, book, gym, diving, activity, etc. After awhile you’ll notice the thoughts of him diminishing and within a few months will start feeling a new normal, the pain will be gone and will notice you’re smiling, laughing and enjoying the life you’re creating on you own. Be strong.

Ok, feeling calmer this morning. I would really like to tell him what a shit he is though. I really can’t believe this has happened. It’s like he’s morphed into a totally different guy. I guess we all think that when we breakup though. I thought we worked so well together. What I don’t understand the most is him saying the breakup was killing him and asking if we could be together again and then two weeks later he was off with her. Oh well, no I won’t send anything. I’m probably going to drop his stuff off this weekend while he’s away.

Very true Harley, thanks for that :)

I think i’m moving into the acceptance phase. Last night I started writing down all the reasons why we weren’t suited and once I started writing I couldn’t stop. I filled about four A4 sheets so I guess that says a lot. Last night for the first time ever I also thought that if he asked for me back right now the answer would be no. The way he has treated me just hasn’t been good enough. You don’t get a house with someone and at the last minute change your mind and run off with your ex fiancé. I spent a lot of time talking things through with a close friend yesterday and she said she had spoken to her boyfriend about it to get a male perspective. Her boyfriends opinion was simply that my ex is a knob “because you just don’t do that to people” so there you go. I really didn’t think he was like this. It’s like some dark streak in him has come out. I showed my friend the picture of them together at the festival and she agreed that he doesn’t actually look very happy, she even said he looks kindof ‘sinister’ and ‘dark’ in a way. I haven’t seen photos of him laughing and smiling in a long time. We compared pictures of when we were together to the way he looks now. In picture with me he looks relaxed and happy, but now he just looks like he’s in some weird place. A bit like the lights have gone out. I thought maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to, but my friend agreed with all of this. Who know’s they’re just photos but that’s the impression I get. The person that I knew wouldn’t have acted in this way and think somewhere in his head, what he has done won’t be sitting right with him. I can take some comfort in that thought.

I have out myself back on a dating website this morning. I’m not in a rush but I thought there was no harm, who knows what could happen hey!

Its still lingers but I am slowly on the mend, and I really don’t want him around right now at all. I’m getting stronger every day.

Thanks again to all those who have commented and given me their support in this journey :)

Claire I totally am in the same situation. 5 years with my ex.. I advised we needed space and it was mutually agreed on he would move out and work on our relationship. We had been earlier this year planning a wedding for November 2014. He moved out literally the night before I went away on vacation with my family. I came back he really made no effort. At the gym one night he saw me and didn’t even act like knew me. I got home and texted him shortly after asking to sit down and talk.. he TEXTED me back that night and told me that he didn’t think it was going to work and he didn’t want to be mean anymore. I begged him to come over that night and talk. I begged him to understand how he just threw away a 5 year relationship without ever trying to make it work. HE TOLD ME he wanted to be single, and that when we got involved 5 years ago he wanted the same but saw potential with me
My harsh reality hit me yesterday when my cell phone carrier contacted me to advise I was close to going over the minutes. I logged in and clear as day was a phone # he was getting calls and texts from. At first I tried to justify it being a guy, but when my friend called the # from a blocked line.. a female voice answered. I am devastated.
I think I am most sad that this person lied to me for so long. Nothing is currently making sense.

Hi Ashley & Sarah, Thanks for your comments :)

Ashely, that sounds awful, especially as he acted like a stranger in the gym, after 5 yrs he couldn’t even be polite to you? I’m sure if you were of a stronger frame of mind you would have realised how much of a douche he was being but while it still hurts…well it just hurts!

Some people jump into other relationships quickly to ease their pain, it’s just a different way of coping. I’ve been guilty of this in the past and also had it done to me. I’m guessing from the way your post is written these calls and texts may have been happening while you were still together though. You could confront him about it if you feel you need to know and that it will help you with the healing process. Everyone is different. For me it was best to just not speak at all but i’ve had friends who needed to have answers…as long as it is a short sensible conversation that doesn’t drag on and is only for the purpose of helping you. If you feel it will just make you feel worse or you can’t handle some difficult truths then don’t do it. This is why I didn’t. I could’t have him sit in front of me and tell me he was with someone else so soon. It won’t make sense for a long time….but one day in a few months time you will see it all for what it really is. Don’t worry too much about it not making sense yet either as you will only get frustrated about it. It’s just because your heart is broken you can’t see things with clarity. Clarity will come in time.

Sarah – thanks for your supportive words, i’m sorry to hear you are also in this crappy situation but we’ll all pull through together :)

Yes I met with the online guy. He definitely wasn’t for me and it actually just made me wish I was with my ex but i’m glad I went for several reasons. It showed me I CAN get out there and start dating again when the time is right and most importantly it showed me that I am now in a place to be choosier about men and I won’t settle until the right one comes along. In the past I may have just gone on a second or third date with this guy because ‘he might have been nervous’ the first time or ‘I felt sorry for him’ or I would convince myself of some other ridiculous reason to see him again. I’ve been too soft and i’m probably too nice when it comes to dating. My Mum told me that I am too accepting of other people’s flaws which I think is a good quality generally but not when it comes to picking a life partner. I can see now that this is maybe why a lot of my previous relationships have failed. So i’m doing things differently this time and unless it really feels right then I won’t be going on second or third dates!

So…an update on the ex situation. I was going diving four days ago and just before I got in the water I checked my phone to find a missed call …it was my exes number!!!! I immediately thought he must have come to his senses and was wanting another chance. All communication has been text…even towards the end of the relationship he hardly called so I took this as the only possible reason. I didn’t call back as I was busy, I went off doing my dive feeling quite excited, and also preparing myself to figure out whether I was going to tell him where to go or to tell him we had take things slowly. Well…what a wally I was. Once I got home I checked my phone again and he had also text me. I picked up the text and he was basically after our home address (yes, he couldn’t remember where he was supposed to be living with me!!!) so he could change his car insurance details. Apparently they were asking him security questions and he needed the previous address. He left a voicemail saying the same thing which I listened too. It was weird hearing his voice, especially as this was the first time he had spoken to me just as if I was an acquaintance rather than a lover. He must have been with her as he was completely panic stricken about me ringing him back saying “don’t ring me back, don’t ring me back, because, errm, i’m in a dodgy area, and, errm, the signal isn’t great, so just text me the address”.

Anyway right after this my Dad called me out of the blue and I told him what had happened. My Dad was fuming bless him and told me not to reply to him at all. He said you’re not his admin lady, if he can’t remember where he was supposed to live with his girlfriend who loved him so much then that’s his own problem”. So I got off the phone feeling all empowered and decided I just wouldn’t get back to him. Anyway his mum was coming over and got in touch the next day asking for my address so I had to give it to her (as she was collecting his belongings). I knew she would pass this on to him anyway so I fired him off a quick text with the address only. I didn’t get a response but I didn’t expect one or care about it either to be honest.

So…a couple of days later his mum came to collect his belongings. That was an interesting visit! She told me that he has been seeing his ex, which i’d obviously guessed but it felt good to finally have that confirmation and know exactly what has been going on. I felt quite smug as she told me that she couldn’t stand her and didn’t feel that she could trust her and that the rest of his family felt the same!!! hehe!!! She said she has no idea why he has gone back to her after the way she treated him in the past. Apparently she broke the engagement off three times!!! She said she felt that he should really just be on his own right now especially with coming out of the military and starting civilian life, which I agreed with. She also made it clear that she was routing for us to get back together in the future, but i’m not sure that is what I would want anymore.

That conversation gave me the closure that I needed without having to go through the pain of seeing my ex and I haven’t checked his Facebook page since. I know he’s with her for sure now so he can just crack on with what he’s doing. I can’t help but secretly hope it doesn’t work out and he learns a valuable lesson but it could do and they could end up married with kids etc so I just have to be happy for him. By the time all that happens though i’m sure I will be in a different place win my life and I won’t really care. He’s made it clear where his heart lies and that she can always drag him back and i’m not coming second best to that.

One of my friends suggested that she has just done this to satisfy her down ego. Shes’s seen him happy with someone else and she’s wanted to know if she’s still got that hold over him. Clearly she has and if it doesn’t work out then more fool him. Although he’s nearly thirty she was his first real relationship and his first love so I know it’s hard to get over that and maybe he’s just immature in terms of love and relationships and he’s still got some lessons to learn. But that isn’t my problem. I know what I want now be it from an ex or any other man I know and I won’t settle and I know what qualities I am looking for.

I was thinking about what I have learned from all of this last night and I think this is the kick in the backside I have needed to change things in my life that I have just coasted along with for so long. I have been unhappy with my career for a very long time and it’s time that I address this. I have also wanted to go travelling and this is something I am going to plan. I don’t want another relationship straight away. I want to make changes in my life and get to a place where I am really happy with things. Then someone can come along and slot in with that. I have spent too much time chasing men and then bending and folding for them and making my life fit around theirs. I’m not making any sacrifices for anyone else right now. I’m going to do what is right for me and then maybe a relationship can follow when i’m in the right place for it.

A few days ago I had an old ex come back into my life and the same thing has just happened to him! He moved in with his gf and she was sleeping with her ex for the last couple of weeks of their relationship before she took off with him!! I only see this guy as a friend these days but ti’s really spooky that the same thing has just happened to both of us and we are helping each other through it now. It’s really helped having someone in exactly the same situation and we’re helping to lift each others spirits now.

Hopefully things are going to start getting a whole lot better :)

Claire.. OVERALL.. life sound GREAT for you !

Perhaps you cannot quite see that now.. but I CAN !

Yup.. we NEVER think it does.. but it DOES.. with time.

Clarity has now shown you .. he’s an asshole. 10-1 he’ll be in touch again with another crap excuse !

STAY strong, keep busy. We’ve all been there ! I’ve come out of it a MUCH stronger person…. you already notice YOU ARE TOO .