Is she a rebound?

Hi Claire.

Don’t respond! Keep up with the NC because he’s only trying to get his ego stroked to see if you miss him. DO NOT reduce yourself to a mean vengeful angry woman because it just lowers your value as an individual. Children engage in this type of behavior, not mature adults.

My ex used to try and BAIT me this way, but I held firm and didn’t respond because it will set you BACKWARDS by focusing on him again. Let it go and take the high road! :-)

Having some problems posting so i’m going to try and break my post up to see if it helps…here goes…

In the morning I was dreading turning on my phone and praying he hadn’t left a voicemail because I really didn’t want to hear his voice. I had several missed calls and text messages from him. After the first couple of times he had tried to call he sent a message saying “forget it then Claire, I hope you’re loving life”(oh dear, rather agitated are we!! haha) …then after that the next message said “ignore the text above, i’m drunk and i’m a c@@t, i’m so sorry for hurting you (and then my pet name that he used to call me)”. After that he tried to call again and then the final message said “Message received, loud and clear, i’m sorry for contacting you, i’m going to delete your details now so you don’t have to bother with a pathetic excuse for a man, take care xxx”

Nice. I didn’t respond to any of this, just ignored it all…

A couple of days later I got this… “Hi Claire, i’m really sorry for contacting you when I was drunk the other night, it was out of order for me to disturb you like that, i’m back at (military base abroad) now, look after yourself and i’m sorry again chicken”.

An hour later I just put “thanks for the apology”… god knows why, yes I slipped up but I felt at least a small reward for good behaviour was ok.

Yesterday he must have picked up his mail which has been waiting at his base for two months. He got a card a which I had sent to him before he came home but obviously didn’t make it in time. The card was all about wanting to grow old together and how pleased I was that he had come back from his tour safe and well and that I couldn’t wait to spend my summer with him. I guess that must’ve stung a bit!!! He sent me a picture of the card and a message saying “Just picked up my post and got this, I know it was sent a while ago but thank you xxx”.

I didn’t respond to this, I felt there was nothing nice to say really, I mean what could I actually put “yes that’s what you have lost” or “you’re welcome and thanks for breaking my heart”. I just left it and ignored it.

So that’s how things stand at the moment. I have no idea if he’s still with this other girl. If he is i’m sure she’d love to know that he is calling me at 4.30am and texting me.

What do you guys make of this? Is he looking to have his ego stroked or starting to make a realisation? If he stands any chance of getting me back he’s going to have to bring on the works and I won’t be making it easy. A big part of me just thinks it’s over now though. I don’t know if it could ever be fixed and I don’t know if he’s what I want anymore. I’m going to stick with NC and reassess how I feel at the end of the month – mid October. If I still feel I need answers I might talk to him then when i’ve got some real distance from the situation.

I feel miles better right now. Even if he’s still with her the fact that he has finally identified he’s a “pathetic excuse for a man” has made me feel a lot better. I’ve walked away from this breakup gracefully, kept to NC and haven’t put a foot out of line, whereas he has just gone and made an absolute pratt of himself. I feel like a super cool breakup warrior right now! haha!!! I also bought the book “It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken” and it really helped…It’s pretty funny too and I found myself laughing out loud in parts. I’d recommend it to anyone going through this right now.

Claire x

Thanks for that Harley, really good advice as always! You’re a star and have been a little life saver through this experience! Thank you so much for always taking the time to read and share your thoughts. :)

I’ve no clue what’s going on here either. I’ve just seen a picture of them together from only a week ago. As I’m writing this now he has just sent me a whatssap message. I’m not even going to open it till the morning as I know whatsap shows whether or not you’ve read the message. I’m actually going to turn my phone of in a minute and go to bed as I’ve given it enough brain power for one day without having a sleepless night over whatever he’s got to say. If he’s still with her it’s really hurtful to keep texting me and I wish he would just leave me alone. It isn’t fair for him to supposedly move on and be in a new relationship and yet he wants to keep picking at old wounds. As much as I’m pissed about the situation it isn’t fair on this other girl either.

How do I get him to leave me alone! I’ve already asked him once.

Stay strong Claire. I honestly feel this guy is ” all over the shop ” and doesn’t KNOW WHAT he wants.. but that’s FOR HIM to figure out.. not you.

Keep the distance and space up.. YOU ned the time to think still, let alone HIM. In a way.. thank god he’s abroad again… he is lonely/bored and has TIME to write/text etc.

By replying to his texts ,you are ALLOWING a text relationship to occur.. he has NO INCENTIVE TO MAN UP…he’s choosing the lazy, cowards, no effort way of trying to keep you e-tethered , MAYBE get back with you.

I would tell him, WHEN he has figured out WHAT he wants in life and IF it is you, to let you know in person.

If I do respond do I keep it casual, mention her or tell him to only contact me when he knows what he wants? Any suggestions on how I should go about this.

Lane – I know I did handle things badly while he was away. I gave a very heartfelt apology over this and sent him a letter about it right after we split. Part of me does wonder how the situation between the two of them came about though, when she supposedly wasn’t even in his life. My instinct tells me that he hasn’t cheated but there was communication prior to the breakup, I don’t know if she’s been the reason for breaking up or maybe swayed his decision.

Gosh this is hard! I’ve never been in this situation before, usually they disappear and that’s it! I don’t know what’s hardest! He could just be saying he’s sorry and wanting to be friends??? It’s all quite confusing.

Oh and if he responds with something along the lines of “why are you so busy?” respond with “wouldn’t you like to know :-)” Again, keep it short, light, mysterious and him inquiring without giving out a lot details—-make him want more by giving less.

Stay away from this man. Any man who claims you broke up with him after he downgraded the relationship is an a hole. Just stay away from him.

Thanks tall lady… the ex has now just made friends with his mum on fb…so she clearly isn’t out of his life! What a complete dick!

Claire.. I wouldn’t read too much into ” friending the mom”… women DO this to try and get the fella/keep him/get mom on their side.

It’d not ALWAYS because the mom and her are genuine friends.

AS you say go NC again.

Claire, the problem between the two of you is you didn’t clearly break up. I know there was some friction when he came back, he needed some time, you went NC and didn’t really finalized it. In your head he broke up with you, but in his head he may have thought you broke up with him.

Honestly, neither of you communicate very well so here you are in a battle of the wits and neither side seems capable of talking it out in a mature manner.

Since communication is an issue, it seems LDR isn’t going to work for either of you in the long term…that’s what started the problems in the first place.

Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Timing and circumstances create barriers and challenges.

It seems you have to not inky decide if he is the right person, but if you. An be with a man who is going to be away from you a great deal being in the military.

This cycle will just repeat if you can’t make that part work. And it won’t matter if you love each other. I agree with lane, this whole thing got blown way out of proportion.

Yeah, he’s a mess. The way I understood the situation from your first post was that he got home, you all spent a week together, then he broke up with you, then he said you should spend some time together, then he stopped contacting you totally and was back with his ex. Pretty clear, imo. I’m sure if he was actually confused about why who broke up with who, he would have mentioned it or asked you about it when he was collecting his belongings. Right?

You’ve come a long way, lady. Keep on keeping on! :)