Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is the "spark" an emotional bond? How do you form an emotional bond?
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Tallspicy.
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Eva
Hello ladies, my question might seem trivial or childish, but I’m genuinely struggling in the emotions department. I simply don’t know how to facilitate the spark or bonding on an emotional level.
I have recently noticed a pattern where I have good mental connections with guys, but no emotional one. I’m a highly logical person and I can talk to anyone. Because of that all my dates are ok at worst, we can have a great time on a date even when I immediately decided I don’t want a second one, there are no awkward silences etc.
This results in guys telling me I’m smart, great, funny, beautiful but they aren’t feeling it. Decent ones leave it at that, jerks try for ons.
Until yesterday it was always mutual, but yesterday a guy with whom I’ve had a great mental connection said he’s sorry, we got along so well he really hopped he’d feel the spark, but it’s not happening. As a rational type I’m operating like “we get along well mentally, we consider each other good looking, let’s continue spending time together, feelings can develop over time”, whereas most guys I meet are spark immediately or never types.This guy really seemed to tick off all the relevant boxes and I don’t want to mess it up when the next one so great comes along. Can you please advise me? Thanks
Maddie
You’ve probably seen me bring up attachment styles at times… in my experience, when me or the guys were focused on a quick “spark” in this way, it was always due to approaching the potential connection insecurely. There’s a ton of people with insecure attachment on online dating, a bit disproportionately to the overall population for several reasons. So it is quite possible that with whatever filtering you’re doing for dates, you’re still meeting majority insecure guys, whether you’ve had enough time to get to know that about them or not. But whenever I heard this explanation, and frankly whenever I gave it to a guy myself, it was because I didn’t understand what was missing in the attraction and couldn’t communicate it any better. In retrospect, it was basically always missing the right level of “drama,” and as I got older and more experienced I realized that it’s a good thing when someone tells you this and filters themselves out. Because they’re not going to be good at a stable relationship until they get out of that mindset (yep, myself included).
That’s all to say, I don’t think it’s you (though it may be you in the sense that it’s the types of guys you’re choosing to talk to, drawn to, and picking), and there’s still a numbers aspect to meeting the right match. If you keep approaching new connections with an open mind and curiosity and being yourself while trying to click, you’ll eventually find the guy who is looking for you and your personality. Then the emotional bond forms naturally because you’re both looking for the same things and like hanging out together. Don’t worry too much about the rest of them, even though I know the dating parade gets frustrating when nothing ever seems to progress.
Maddie
BTW, if it helps at all, my quality of online dates really improved when I redid my profile to focus on my personality once in my 30s… so of course you could still see what I looked like clearly in my photos, but I started using more photos of me doing activities I enjoy and being in the types of places I like to visit. This helped attract guys who thought I might be interesting and share their interests. They of course thought I caught their eye as physically attractive enough to them to match (they’re still guys after all), but they were also more curious and into what my personality was going to be right from the start. That was really helpful, because it was more likely to be men actually looking for a relationship. It still took a lot of filtering out the casual ones during early texting, but then things went much better with the guys I did meet.
I’d think this would work for doing activities you enjoy in real life and meeting people organically too, where guys can see you “in your element” and may find it attractive that you share interests.
I mention age because maybe it was a maturity thing too that may not work as well if someone’s in their 20s, but it was much easier to make natural emotional connections with dates I met online once I took this approach. Though it didn’t eliminate all the dates who were duds or anything, there were still some bad dates in there too!
Tallspicy
Please spend time getting into your heart energy and feelings. Men are already logical (ish), but crave a woman who can share what they are feeling. Add some touch in there as well. A good place to start is talking about your passions, and observations of your 5 senses…. It tasted like, felt like, smelt like. There needs to be tension to create spark. so be smart and goofy. And add some playfulness, that is flirting….
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