Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is this fair?
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 2 years, 9 months ago by
Mary.
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Yanky
My ex cheated on me and the whole time manipulated into believing that he is a very nice and totally trustworthy. Now he is very sorry that he did all that and says he will do everything I say which includes total transparency and accountability, call records he will share of past one year as that is what is available, going to therapy, he has accepted he might be a narcissist. But he cannot do all this without me. He wants me to get back with him, then he will do everything I have said. Is that fair? I feel like he is saying that only so he can stop me from revenge dating/cheating back. He knows if I totally end it, I will go and date others. Because I feel if someone really feels guilty about their behaviour they change it whether they get the person or not. How does it matter? You have wronged them, so it’s only right that you are trying to make it right. For your peace. Or is my thinking not fair?
Raven
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me…
Raven
Seriously, Why do you want to be fair to someone who cheeted on you your entire relationship?!!
Yanky
He didn’t cheat for 1.5 years of the relationship, the rest 1.5 he cheated and kept trying to cheat, mostly online with girls who’ll video chat, and a few dates here and there. The whole time was about the manipulation bit.
No I don’t think I can trust him. I can trust him only if I really see consistent behaviour for a long long time. I am that traumatized.
I am not a narcissist but I have some cluster B traits like anger, low frustration tolerance, vindictiveness. But I am not exploitative, and I have a lot of empathy for others, I genuinely feel bad about my anger and other issues and take active help to sort these out. That is all I expect from any personality disordered individual.
Yanky
And I will admit when I caught him cheating on me for so long with so many people I felt so foolish for loving him and trusting him blindly all this time, I wanted to hurt him back…. I can’t even tell you. And I really wanted to do something that would hurt him equally bad…and me just dating others would make him go crazy….so while breaking up I had told him I have downloaded all the necessary apps and can’t wait to get rid of you…yes I did..
Khadija
No, don’t get back with this guy and stop fantasizing about revenge dating. Take some time to heal and get back to dating when you no longer care about what he thinks.
Sam
Hi Yanky,
He’s most likely just telling you what you want to hear, because he wants you back. I’ve never known a relationship to work out after someone has cheated. Not saying it can’t happen, but it’s rare.
Your last response sounds so toxic.. sounds like you both need some serious space from each other. And you need time to heal.
Yanky
Khadija- I really love him a lot. Not even a day goes when I don’t feel bad and don’t miss him… everything reminds me of him. It has been 11 months still….he made me fall in love with myself when I was in the dumps…but the cheating just makes me question all that…and I just stay sad or angry all the time.
Sam- yes we do need space maybe. Although my ex wants to go out on a trip with me, he feels things will improve after that…I feel so crazy because of all this, sometimes ok, sometimes angry, sometimes ruminating, sometimes depressed, sometimes happy that it is actually over. I have planned to disappear soon in a meditation center for 5 days for some clarity.
Khadija
Then why go back if you have to question everything? I think he is just saying what you want to hear. I understand break ups are hard but, in time you get over it.
That’s great he helped you feel better about you but, its really important to love you no matter what. The love you have for yourself needs to come from within.
Maddie
Yanky, if you know you have cluster B traits, it sounds like you’ve been professionally diagnosed and may have a therapist you see? I’d recommend you ask a professional for help rather than a dating forum, because what’s going on here is pretty complicated. Standard advice may not be that helpful.
He’s manipulating you right now though, whether intentional or not. If he’s going to change at all, he needs to do it for himself, not you. When people attempt to change for others only, it doesn’t stick, and his behavior will eventually just repeat. Whether or not you’re sticking around shouldn’t have any impact on whether he does anything to better himself or not, because if he means it he’ll do it no matter what.
ANM StaffKeymasterHi Yanky, have you posted here recently under a different alias? If yes, please just let us all know so that our community can recall details from your previous thread.
Mary
The best revenge is moving on, happiness and success.
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