Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is this guy fading, or is there potential with patience?
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 2 years, 6 months ago by
mama.
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Niki
Hi, thank you for looking into my question and complicated love situation! I’ll appreciate any honest feedback.
I had been receiving daily texts and sometimes long phone calls into the night from this guy who I liked a lot. We met on online dating, matched, he pursued me and hit it off really well. It’s been only about 3-4 weeks. However, it basically went from very hot to cold recently and now I’m confused on what approach to take..
I should also mention that he is from the other side of the country and he had expressed his intention to come travel to see me soon.
The first thing that went south, was that because of the long-distance, it got to the point where he wanted to have phone sex, which I get is probably far more common these days. However I’m not used to it, which I did explain to him beforehand as I’ve always had relationships in-person and with people who were close-by location-wise. Also he would not FaceTime or video call me, even though I had asked a few times just to try a short video call, but he said he wasn’t comfortable with it as he’s shy and finds it weird. So he started the phone sex anyway, saying more than once that it was about teamwork and doing things together, but as I preferred to see him in-person first and at least go on a proper date, there ended up being no climax and he said he was sad after this.
Contact dropped for a few days and I became concerned. So I messaged and asked if he wanted to talk to or see other people, as I had messaged him asking how he was going, I didn’t hear back and I could see that he was still going online frequently every day.. I still didn’t hear back and came to the conclusion at that time that he had lost interest, was ignoring me or seeing someone else now. This led me to block him with online dating.
He then texted me apologising and saying that he wasn’t ignoring me, he was just busy and should have messaged. So he started texting again each day for roughly three days after that while at work, asking how my day was and checking-in. But he wasn’t replying to any of my texts or questions, like how his day was going or anything which was unusual of him. He just started with a new text each day, not acknowledging my previous text, which I found weird. I had apologised for blocking him also. In my last text I joked that I think I needed a holiday, as with children and work and such..
Then there was no contact for 6 days. He finally replied to me at the beginning of the next work week and said that he was sorry, he had gone away with the boys and it was an impulse decision. Obviously he needed some more space. I know we have only been online dating/ texting/ calling for a few weeks, we are not exclusive or met in-person yet, but that did sting a little.. especially as I had only just said that I felt like I needed a holiday, that he didn’t tell me he was then going away and we had been planning to see each other on holiday eventually also.
Is he trying to fade away, be petty and is it better that I move on? Or is it that I just need to relax, wait and have more patience/ teamwork over the phone with him?
Raven
Honest Feedback = Why are you wasting your time with this “shy” creepy phone sex guy who lives on the other side of the freakin country?!
Niki
Haha thank you, you’re right and I’m grateful for your advice! I guess because I haven’t dated in years, in my early 30’s now and this is my first time being in a long distance online situation, which I’ve found it rather confusing. I did feel a spark with this guy initially and we seemed to have the same values (he wanted marriage and kids, plus other personal values etc), which is why I continued contact with him. But, I think it’s definitely best I don’t date long-distance again and try to meet someone locally I guess.. I don’t know how to respond to him after his last message, if I should at all.
Anon
You should not be patient with him. Your original reason for blocking him is legit and you should stick to that. Agree with Raven- he is creepy!
Raven
There is no need to respond to his last message.
Raven
@Niki- There is no reason whatsoever to be ‘nice’ to this guy who freeking lives on the other side of the Country.
Niki
Thanks Raven & Anon! Yeah I think there is too many red flags with him and he doesn’t seem willing to resolve the no video calling or meet in-person first instead of phone sex situation, plus is too far away so I’m definitely not replying to him now.. I will update if he texts again, but I will try to move on and meet someone else local. Dating shouldn’t be this weird or hard.. I remember it being much easier and more pleasant back in the day lol
tammy
even i don’t enjoy video calls. i find it little awkward. but if its someone i met online, i understand that they need to verify if am real and not cat fishing. so i do brief video calls to confirm am real. but this guy seems fishy and a creep. plus he appears and disappears at his whims. you haven’t even met him. its best to avoid. don’t entertain him anymore and focus your energies on someone who’s not a creep and closeby.
Rubi
You had phone sex with someone you haven’t met in person? That’s so creepy. For all you know he could be a psycho catfish. Always busy with something else, texting you when it pleases him. Avoiding face to face contact. Probably doing the same thing to someone else too.
For a long distance to work, consistent communication and transparency is the number one key. The willingness to meet and make it happen. He moved way too fast with the phone sex thing at just 1 month talking to you. That is not what someone who genuinely likes and respect you does. This man is just stringing you and having fun. Ghost him.
mama
This screams CATFISH.
If you are in your 30s and not dated for years, may I suggest setting a few boundaries for your search, such as:
• Re long distance: set up a perimeter of how far you are willing to travel. The closer, the better as it provides more opportunity for in-person meetings.
• Talk or video chat on the phone or computer, so you can verify the person is who they say they are.
• Keep conversations light and short until you meet in person.
• Meet in person within 1-2 weeks. If they schedule then cancel or postpone, they are most likely not sincere in meeting for innocent or nefarious reasons.Use these in addition to your preferences (such as age, education, etc.) and it can help cut down on the chance of being catfished.
And don’t feel bad if you have been catfished. It’s very common these days, unfortunately.
mama
Also Niki, there are meetup groups designed for people interested in dating that might make it a little less awkward? There used to be this group called Events and Adventures that had a ton of events for meeting people with common interests. I think it’s national.
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