Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is this normal?
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 4 years, 3 months ago by
Shay.
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Jo
Hi guys,
I’ve been with my bf for 2 years now, I would say our relationship is solid with very little conflict.
He purchased a house 5 min away from me and has moved in with me while his house is getting renovated.
Obviously we see each other everyday for the past 6 months.
Lately with his work he is under a lot of pressure due to the pandemic and some weeks he may need to work for 7 days.
I feel he is a bit distant with me and moody lately and no doubt he is very tired as he gets up at 4am most mornings and finishes work around 8pm (with big breaks in between).
I have been very supportive, I cook and clean most of the time and I hardly make him pay for anything as I know he is a bit broke due to the house.
I want to know is it normal for men to act like this when they are under stress or is it time for space between us 2?
Thanks for your advice in advance!
Newbie
From what you are saying i would say he is overworked at the moment and probably dead tired when he is not working. Its not abnormal but it cant go on forever either. I would give space when it comes to not nagging etc. But i would ask for the two of you to do some stuff when he is off (plan it). I would also be careful with being so keen on doing the household. Before you know it, you are the designated housekeeper and he doesnt do sheet. I assume you work too, so you can clean together etc.
T from NY
Men can be distant for tons of reasons that have nothing to do with the woman they’re dating. But when a man is doing less (unless he is very ill or there’s another emergency) you should ALSO do less. Reframe and refocus on your own life. It’s very counter-intuitive to women because we want to care for and nurture the people we love. But a man can lose desire for you if you act like his housekeeper, secretary, grocery shopper or mother. I wouldn’t make a big show of it – no need for a conversation that he’s in no shape to have anyway. Just take a big step back, get busy and let him choose you. If weeks go by and he’s not making an effort to see you or make time for you -let him know what you’re expectations are for you to remain happy in the relationship. A man who wants you in his life will assure he listens and works to keep you happy no matter how taxing his schedule.
mama
Oh geez, honey it’s okay. It sounds like he’s buried in work, adjust to living with you so he doesn’t really have space to wind down that he did before.
I think T from NY gave you some great advice. Back up a bit, give him some space, don’t turn into his mother. You do you. Let him do him. And Newbie suggested to try and find some time for just you guys — but bring it up gently at the right time. And in a way that isn’t nagging. Have a specific idea in mind, suggest it, then go from there. Nagging/whining is not going to get you anywhere other than an absent boyfriend.
mama
If you need him to chip in for costs of living, by all means bring it up. No need to feel resentful and have it fester.
Lane
Agree with others in that men can be very myopically focused especially when their plate’s full, as they really do suck at multi-tasking.
My question is, what happens to you when his house is done? Are you keeping your own places or will you move in with him? Has this ever been discussed? It kinda sounds like your auditioning for the role of *wife* and wondering if he’s noticing it? Does he show any appreciation or affection, for everything your doing? Has he mentioned how he’ll “make it up to you?” when its over? If so, how?
I would be a bit cautious that you don’t *overdo it* and then he does nothing in return because he’s so busy, and wrapped up in his life, and house, that he starts neglecting you.
Wendy
I understand that men are not multi taskers but he’s in *your* house. I think he should be more appreciative and pay for things without being asked. Where would he stay if it wasn’t with you? You’re doing him a favor wether he’s overwhelmed at work or not
Tallspicy
Honey, you are not his mother, please stop cooking and cleaning for him. He cab be responsible for at least half the meals (maybe more as you are footing most of the bills) and do his share of the housework.he would if he were at his house. You will not be rewarded for mothering him. He is taking because you are giving.
Simply have a conversation unemotionally that you thought what was happening was a short term thing and it is now our new normal and he needs to be responsible for meals and cleaning (he could pay for a cleaning person ).
Shay
You need to have a heart to heart conversation with him today, and let him know everything that’s disturbing your mind. Then relax for a week, if things don’t change, you have already lost the man you love. Only that it will realize that when he moves into his house or gets another place to stay. But the important thing is for you to be strong, take note that all those are red flags and run away fast if things don’t change. Unless you want to take care of a guy who will bring another girl into that house he is building and for you to watch all of that since you are nearby. Face the facts honey
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