Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is this normal? Advice needed!!!
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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Julia
There has been this tiny detail of my dating life that I have always thought was weird but ignored it but now it’s impacting my relationships. I have this thing where I HATE when a guy pays for me. Like if we go on a date to the movies, I do not want him to pay for my ticket or my food. I literally want to throw up just writing about it. It’s not a feminist thing where I feel like I can fend for myself, I’m not really sure what it is. Sometimes I feel like it’s because I’ll become a burden and that person will resent me for it. I don’t know. However, one if the main reasons I never want to progress with my relationships is because I don’t want to have to go on dates with guys because they will mostly likely feel the need to pay for me. I don’t know to explain it, but it’s not something I can just ignore, it genuinely makes me very Uncomfortable.
Newbie
So? Why not just tell a guy youre dating this in advance. Problem solved
Newbie
I can relate to you. I think its weird a guy i never met would pay a meal for me. It makes me feel uncomfortable as well. I know thos is how it works and guys are more than happy to pay, to get the sex. It has a sort of weird link with getting paid for sex.
Liz Lemon
The thought of someone paying for you on a date literally makes you want to throw up? I think you should do some self-reflecting and figure out why this is so triggering for you. Part of being in relationships is caring for someone and letting the other person care for you. Small gestures like paying for a woman on a date is how a man invests in the budding relationship (literally and figuratively). When you don’t let a man do that, you’re blocking his ability to feel investment in you. And I don’t just mean financial investment. Does that make sense? Men want to provide and care for their women and paying for you on a date is one way of letting them do that. It’s nothing to do with being feminist or not (I’m a feminist, and when my boyfriend was courting me he always liked to pay, and I would let him).
Anyway yes, I think it’s fine to let guys know your preference when you start dating. But I actually do think that such an extreme reaction to a small, nice gesture is not normal. You should spend some time reflecting and get to the root of why you feel this way.
Liz Lemon
Oh and I’m not talking about just being uncomfortable with it. I can understand that, even though I myself am not uncomfortable with it. But having an extreme loathing and wanting to throw up just thinking about it– that isn’t normal.
cupcake
I am with OP and Newbie on that. Don’t see why its an issue. I feel really uncomfortable too when a guy continuously pays for me . (I am in Europe tho so it might be a cultural difference.)
I would just tell him how you feel about that. It is who you are and if he is the right fit he won’t have a problem with it. The idea that men need or should or can only show their investment by paying for a woman is not just twisted and gross but also really outdated. But different strokes…Liz Lemon
If it impacts the OP’s ability to have relationships, as she says it does, then it’s a problem.
It’s not just in dating that we show care for & value someone by treating them to a meal or drink or movie. I do that with friends and family too. It’s a way to show you care about someone. Being gracious & allowing someone to treat you is a way to enhance relationships in general, not just romantic ones.
But again, to each their own. Its fine if the OP doesn’t want her dates to pay. She should make it clear to them in that case. But the fact that she finds the idea so sickening and it affects her ability to have relationships, makes me wonder if something deeper is going on.
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