Is this too much too soon?

From all your posts about him, it sounds to me like he’s way more into you than you into him. I’m surprised after your last post you actually agreed to be his GF.

You’re still kind of all over the place about him. You give a bunch of reasons why you don’t want to go and then you say you would like to go. Which is it?? He says it’s OK if you don’t want to go and there will be other opportunities to go to Florida and then you say you’re fearful he’ll be mad at you if you say you don’t want to go. And you are contemplating lying about it.

Is it normal for you to be this ambivalent and unwilling to communicate your true feelings???? What’s really going on here?

Whatever you decide, don’t lie to him about it. That will create more problems down the line, both from you stuffing down your needs and feelings so that they can’t get resolved or processed and from him likely being upset when you blindside him with all these issues you’re having only after it’s too late for him to even try to work with you to address them.

If you’re not ready for the relationship he wants (or you don’t want it with him), it’s also not fair to hide that from him. He deserves to know how you’re feeling. Then he’ll have the information to decide if the speed you’re going works for him too or if you two are actually at incompatible life stages (way better for you both to rip off the bandaid if that’s the case). But if he’s giving you an out then he’s likely going to be disappointed you’re not going but continued patient since he’s given no indication yet that he won’t be understanding. Working through that together by speaking honestly will also further build trust in your relationship.

I hope you’re still in therapy working through your anxious attachment style and grief processing about your dad.

Raven – I think you may be right. I tend to overthink and worry about a lot of things, so this would make the most sense. My mom said too that it seems like I’m trying to search for something wrong. Maddie, I am in therapy and aiming at doing grieving journal prompts a few times a week which has immensely helped, sometimes it still hits you like a wave though. I am not lying to him, but my job did not give me a clear answer yet if I can have that Friday off before the wedding which is absurd imo, so, but I still want to go. It’s a few days, I’ll muster through the new situation and am very excited overall. My mom mentioned its too much too soon and yet my friends said it sounds like it could be really fun lol so I got whiplash from it all and really sat with what I want to do. He did grow on me and he really means a lot to me which I wasn’t expecting that to grow. He’s really been there for me and has been incredibly patient. I am keeping decent boundaries, because I know in previous dynamics, I have felt constantly on edge with men I have dated and I think deep down I still have to resolve that.

He also has a lot of friends that are women. He is very vocal about it and tells me when he is visting and or spending time with these friends, but he has told me he is friends with some people he used to hook up with, and I personally think its very difficult to keep that boundary once its been crossed. He visited a friend that is a woman out in Texas this past weekend, and another friend who is a woman flew out to join them (friends from college, he has known for 7 years) and he has been vocal what he is doing and one of them is in a relationship etc and they are extremely platonic. So I think maybe that has been affecting me, although he has given me no signs of him doing anything wrong and I think I just need to get over this hump of that he has a lot of friends that are girls. (And I personally don’t want him to tell me if I meet any of them, that he had sex with them so I hope he can keep that to himself). Basically this is all a me thing

So I decided to go to the wedding and travel with him to meet his parents for June. It has all been going well but I am starting to notice he has MANY friends that are women. And not all of them are super close to him but he actively makes plans with them. He strikes me as loyal but he doesn’t give much info to how close he is with some of them and he says names that I never heard of and it throws me. The past few weekends he has gotten coffee with separate women, tells me hes doing it (i haven’t been asking), so he’s being upfront about it. But I find it very odd he’s still actively doing this and I don’t really know if they are texting him to make plans or if he is. And since he has told me he still keeps in touch with some people he has had sex with because he doesn’t like to cut things off poorly, I personally think he doesn’t wanna come across as a “bad guy”. I told him I do not keep in touch with anyone I have had sexual relationships prior.

I am not jealous per say, but this has been making me feel uncomfortable with how many women he is hanging out with one on one. And I don’t really know these people or the situation they have had prior. Last week he got coffee with a friend and she started crying in the coffee shop about her boyfriend just dumped her and today a different woman he met for coffee, her dad also died recently. So clearly these women are emotionally opening up to him and I feel like weird for being another woman doing so? Even though I am his girlfriend, but I don’t want to do that? I haven’t been but he always says to me how he’s there to support me and to listen if ever I need. Is there a way to bring this up without pointing fingers? I am not suggesting he would cheat or do anything at all, nor do I want him to feel like I am saying you can’t hangout with these women, and he should continue doing what he wants with his friends. But I feel so weird about this. I don’t think he would feel comfortable with me getting coffee with different men every weekend either?

This strikes me as something as just how he is. But I don’t want to be competing with these other women. He has made some truly grandiose romantic gestures lately and told me I am the love of his life and yet he gets coffee with a different woman. I just feel very thrown and am unsure what to do. And worried if I bring this up I am showing a big insecurity to him and obviously am not accusing him of anything. Its just weird. I met his one core group of friends who are mostly women, and they all have boyfriends and they hugged me and said how it was like finally “meeting a celebrity” so he has talked about me a lot to them. But these other women who he meets up with every few months to “catch up” just really confuses me. Like why is he doing that?

Maddie – thank you for the reply, you gave me a lot to process and think about it. I ended up bringing it up and it went smoother than I thought. He gave me reassurance and it was a good convo. Obviously I wouldn’t want him to stop any of his friendships and I do not want to be controlling at all. He’s given me no doubts and I consider to see how I feel over the course of a few months, but so far, it hasn’t been any issue for me since we had a convo about how I’m adjusting to all of his friendships that are women.

I was going to start a new thread/forum post but I realize its easier here for anyone who wants to read and play catch up. He is very ready for settling down. He has made such grandiose romantic statements lately that I am so flabbergasted by it all. He tells me I am the love of his life, he wants everything with me, and that he will love me forever. These are statements I don’t take lightly and really have weight to them. He is for sure a romantic. But I’m trying not to get sucked into it all because he makes MOSTLY these big positive comments and I feel very much a priority for him but some other statements that sneak out kind of give me whiplash. He told me he really wanted the next person to meet his family to really mean something and I’m meeting them all in June, which I am excited and nervous about.

He is starting to think about buying a house. We went to a nearby commuter town in the suburbs of NYC to check it out and he scheduled a showing. He joked about pretending to be a newly wed couple and coming up with this fun story for the realtor and wanted to get my ring size to do it. He makes comments about songs playing at our wedding. He’s asked me my timeline for how long I would wanna be engaged for. He’s asked me about my dream wedding. Like these are big questions. Yet, I asked him the other night as we walked by a church how he feels about bringing his kids to church/Sunday school if thats a must for him (a pretty basic value question if you ask me) and he began answering it with “I’ve thought about this extensively and I think it really depends on who I choose to spend the rest of my life with, f the person is really religious or not, but I think I would be ok with just going for major holidays.” The way he began the sentence made my guard go up. I may be overthinking, but, to me it proves he’s just dancing around and maybe just enjoys all this romantic stuff a bit – which is totally fine. But I don’t want to lose myself in the romantic stuff he says and does, especially if he makes these somewhat wishy washy statements. Yet earlier, that day when walking around town he said he could see us living here. And he used the word “us”. Am I overthinking for no reason? Half of me wishes he wouldn’t make some of these comments so I wouldn’t be thinking about it all so much. Would he really do a filler girlfriend after all of this? He mentions the desire to entering his next life stage of wanting to start a family but I have no idea if those statements include me or just general ones.

Someone who means what they say takes steps to make it happen. Someone who enjoys the fantasy and romance without the responsibility does not, it just stays talk. I have been in both situations, big talk only for a year versus actually taking steps to move forward. With a serious and mature guy, he’ll talk about anything and everything to make sure you’re compatible, will discuss timelines with you and stick with them, and you won’t ever be confused. With a big talk guy, maybe you’ll meet family and visit houses, but months or longer will pass and you won’t have real plans to move in together or get engaged and you’ll wonder where you stand. He’s only 26 and you’ve only been together as a couple for 6ish months, so he may feel he has a couple years to enjoy the relationship before engagement, and there’s nothing wrong with that (unless he’s got no intention of following through on the tougher responsibilities-aspects of commitment). If you’re serious about him, you need to speak up too about your needs and expectations and not just avoid topics for fear of not liking answers or pushing him away. If he stays on track, great, if he gets wishy-washy, then he was never going to follow through anyway and that’s not your fault while better to know sooner then later. Good communication is always a win-win, because you learn it’s the right relationship / guy / match for you, or not and then you’re not wasting your time.