Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I’ve only ever been used and not loved, despite telling people my intentions.why
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 1 year, 5 months ago by
Ewa.
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Laura
I’m 28, and no man has ever committed to me or been emotionally available and I don’t know if I’m the problem
What am I doing wrong if every guy I date leaves me as ‘they’re not over their ex?’
It’s happened like 20 times now. Like every single guy I’ve ever dated. And each one has taken me a while to get over. I’m so fed up. I’m kind, a little bit flirty, honest and friendly. I’m not ‘crazy’ or anything like that.
Guys pursue me first and seem super keen, I get to know them and they grow on me and I start to like them. And then poof the ex thing appears. It even happened with my first boyfriend age 17. I’m always clear about my intentions and needs
Even dated a guy for 9 months and it was wonderful…. for him to phone me up out of the blue one afternoon and tell me he’s not over his ex. He was the one that wanted me first and was super super keen on me when we met and everything seemed wonderful. That guy stayed friends with and in contact with all of his exes. But with me, he never spoke to me again and ignored all my messages
I’m 28. Seriously, what is going on? Are there any men that are over their ex? And why am I never someone that men can’t get over and just forgotten about
I even go on quite nice dates, and then the men don’t even ask me questions. And then ghost me. Non of my friends have this problem
It’s like I attract loads of men, I get at least 50 likes on hinge a day but it’s always the same. Men message me loads, send me pics, compliments and tell me they wanna meet me and then poof, they stop messaging and I’m already attached
Ewa
you are choosing emotionally unavailable men. Regarding them coming back to their exes , it could be true, it could be that they found someone else completely and use that as an excuse.
Raven
“Men message me loads, send me pics, compliments and tell me they wanna meet me and then poof, they stop messaging and I’m already attached”
What?!
Attached to some guy who sends you a couple sentences on a screen?Laura
No attached to a man who talks to me for a few weeks, asked me loads of questions and talks about going on a date soon. I just want to go on a date. Especially as my ex said he dated me as lonely. Worried all the good men are taken. I’m going for men that seem keen on me but it’s always the same thing
Liz Lemon
I think one thing you have to learn is that a man is not real until he meets you in person and takes you out on dates. There are a lot of guys out there on dating apps who like to chat/text with women but never actually meet in person. It’s an ego stroke for them.
Chatting for weeks, asking you loads of questions, talking about a date– all this creates a false sense of intimacy and attachment, as you have seen. You feel like you know the guy, but you don’t! He’s a stranger.
The best approach to dating is to NOT chat for weeks beforehand. You have to meet in person fairly soon to establish that you actually have chemistry. Save the long conversations for in-person. Guys that are not willing to meet up with you relatively soon are just time wasters. Apps are a tool to meet men, but they do not take the place of in-person interactions for building connections and possible relationships.
I think if you take this approach you’ll have a much better chance of success. You will meet guys who actually want to build a relationship with a woman in person. Guys who chat/text endlessly have no real intention of doing that.
Laura
I don’t want to endlessly chat. I constantly suggest going for a drink and they say ‘yeh soon!’ And I keep asking. It’s like it’s all out of my control and people don’t actually like me enough to go on a date. I feel utterly boring and ugly
Liz Lemon
You don’t have to endlessly chat. You just have to stop engaging. Be direct. “It’s been nice chatting with you, but I’m looking to date in person.” If they won’t set a confirmed date with you, then disengage.
I will add, you may not be in a good mental place to date right now if you feel it’s “all out of your control” (who you choose to engage with on dating apps is very much in your control), and feel boring and ugly. It’s OK to take breaks from the apps– it’s healthy even. You have to be in a good mindset- confident and at least somewhat optimistic- when dating. Otherwise you just attract the wrong guys.
tallspicy
Why are you asking men out at all? If a man does not suggest getting together within a week of chatting, just stop engaging or suggest getting together once, and if they are wishy washy stop engaging. Same for any man who texts a ton – THAT IS A RED FLAG.
Install the 0 fs rule of dating, until a man is your boyfriend, you are responsive and warm, but not attached. Texting means nothing if you are not seeing someone in person. Watch a mans words and actions and always believe the least committed one.
Please read up on anxious attachment.
AngieBaby
Laura, can you find a therapist or a dating coach to work with? Because you keep posting the same things. You’re going in circles. The help you need isn’t here.
My observations are: 1) you’re going about online dating all wrong and it’s time to stop and get someone to teach you 2) you are vulnerable to the wrong men because you’re coming off as very desperate 3) your decision making skills are way off at this point and 4) you’re looking for love and acceptance outside yourself and as a result you’ve got low self-esteem.
There’s nothing wrong with you but you’re convinced there is and now you’re just going to attract people into your life who validate your view of yourself.
Rather than waste your time make another “no one wants me post” please find someone in real life who can work through the issues with you so you can attract better men and people in general.
Khadija
A couple of things that helped me avoid men who weren’t over an ex. Whenever I dated a guy I’d ask them 1. If they were still in contact with any of their exes 2. When was the last time they spoke to or saw their ex. My rule was if you were still in contact with any ex that was a deal breaker. And if you spoke to or saw an ex less than a year ago, also a deal breaker. And on these dates pay attention to what they are saying, if he’s going on and on about an ex, check please. Lastly, be selective about who you go on dates with, just because you have a large quantity of dates, doesn’t mean they equate to quality. Those are two totally different things.
Tallspicy
I dont think it is bad to be in touch with an ex occationally or being friends after some years.
That said, You can tell immediately by the tone, frequency, language they use and emotion if they are over that ex. I find men who speak kindly, but occationally about exes very attractive. I want a man who ends things with kindness, and has female friendships.
Ewa
Like others said. I normally talk to men for a week maybe 2 if they don’t ask me out I stop texting them. Women get attached through texting , men don’t. Sadly dating sites these days are not for everyone . I think you should start taking them less seriously and see where it takes you .
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