Just found out my boyfriend was on dating apps early on

I think you may be overreacting a bit. He wasn’t sure about long distance and you weren’t officially committed yet. As soon as you were, he stopped using the app or trying to date around. It’s disappointing that he was still seeing others for a little after you started sleeping together, but it sounds like there was no direct talk about exclusivity yet even though sex had gotten involved. The only way to stop that from happening in any future relationships you may have if this doesn’t work out is to discuss it very clearly and directly instead of making assumptions. But if your boyfriend has been fully committed ever since you agreed to be in an official relationship and he and the relationship have been consistently great, this doesn’t seem like a reason to be hurt and not trust him? Unless he’s done anything else questionable or blatantly misled you (like if he told you he wasn’t seeing anyone else but then he was still fooling around on dating apps, then actions and words didn’t match and he lied)?

I was still dating others the first couple months after I connected with my boyfriend. I also wasn’t sure right away because we had some long distance issues to figure out, too. But I wasn’t hooking up with any of the other people I went on dates with, and I liked him better than any of them. So once we decided to officially commit, we were committed. My other one off dates hadn’t taken anything away from us building our connection (truly, it made me appreciate him more, it was so much easier with him than even people who lived closer to me!). But I know he stopped dating others as soon as we started talking, whereas he never asked me and I didn’t announce to him that I kept my app open a little longer and kept dating until we agreed to be exclusive. I don’t think he’d care at this point, and even at the time I don’t think he would have because he knows it takes a little time to get to know someone and decide, and he’s secure in what we have. Plus, as I said, I wasn’t hooking up with anyone, I was just pacing myself with him and not fully investing prior to us mutually showing each other and deciding that a committed relationship was right for both of us.

If you feel betrayed, that’s okay, you feel how you feel and need to work through that. But that doesn’t mean taking it out on him. You need to figure out why you’re upset, and if it’s a you issue (such as insecurity), a him issue (if he intentionally and directly misrepresented anything), or a relationship issue (it is a symptom of the relationship not working), and then work through it appropriately. If it’s a you issue to deal with then talk to him about how you feel but don’t take it out on him or the relationship.

Maddie thanks so much for such wise advice. It was exactly what I needed to snap me out of my indignation and hurt feelings. He has done nothing else to make me not trust him and we hadn’t had any kind of exclusivity chat until mid Oct. After that he stopped using apps and dating around.

He also said the same as you that it took going on another date or two to see even more clearly he wanted to focus on our relationship and give it a proper go (even though that still makes me feel weird).

I’m glad I didn’t continue to take it out on him as I do think what we have now is great, and it’s definitely a ‘me’ issue and insecurity. He is upfront about everything and the relationship is going really well. Thanks for helping me step out of my thoughts cycle and not sabotage something really lovely.