Home › Forums › Texting Advice › Keeps apologising for not constantly being in touch, but …
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A-noN
Guy has been away on a trip for 3.5 weeks.
Heard from him 4 times (hhm…) in the 3.5 weeks – I initiated contact the first time (yes yes, I know – at least it was light stuff as a continuation of the last convo we had, no checking up/interrogation), but since he didn’t respond within a day or 3 that time, I left it at that (just went on about my business), and from there on he’s the one initiating, and I respond.The second, third and fourth ( <- latest) time he apologised for being not getting in touch sooner, but the fourth time the lameness of the apology/excuse made me roll my eyes, even though it was followed up with an invitation to a Skype call to “make it up to me” (he will be away another 2 weeks). Aside from the apology being lame, I also thought it was redundant, because yeah sure, I’d like less erratic communication, but since we’re not (yet?!) officially involved in any capacity, I figure he doesn’t owe me anything, which made me go:
do I just ignore the apology? cause I kinda felt like saying, look, you don’t owe me anything, why are you apologising (again)? stop it already.
(fyi, with the first apology I acknowledged it in a lighthearted/jokey way – in similar vein to his actual apology – which he responded positively to, and the second time I didn’t acknowledge it, as I didn’t see the need, but this whole conversation is based on the apology/Skype invite … so what do I respond?)I also kinda feel like I shouldn’t even (explicitly) accept the Skype “date” (maybe just see if he pushes for it/brings it up again), because I feel like he is offering it as “consolation” and maybe not doing it because he has a strong desire to do so. This is mainly because the tone just didn’t sit well with me, but I only realised that after reading it a second time – first time skimming over it I was pleased to have the opportunity to interact in real time.
I don’t get why he keeps apologising, but he isn’t really stepping up (hence my hesitation re the Skype “date”) and I’m not sure whether not acknowledging it is communicating that I’m cool with it in the good “I’m busy with my life” or the bad “I’m a pushover and will fall for excuses” way.
*Background:
We’re busy people and travel a lot, and I don’t really expect to hear from him more than once or twice a week at this point – and no, I don’t build relationships based on digital comms alone, but we are both on assignment at the moment, so it will be a while before we get to physically be around each other again. Met early Feb during a training camp, saw each other every day that month. Only discovered/addressed mutual attraction the final week, so couldn’t dive into anything. Nothing sexual happened, although it’s def on the table. Oh, and he takes his career very seriously and is a little shy.talllady
Oh my god what a jumbled mess. I am sorry, but going to be blunt so you understand.
You are in no way being receptive, responsive or appreciative. Try focusing on what he is doing well. Which is a ton, from what I can see.
This man is away and trying to stay in touch. He realized he is trying, but is busy. It is not a consolation prize to try to talk to you, it is a way to grow the relationship.
He is stepping up – he is out of town and he keeps in touch and wants to schedule time with you to connect. That is all he can do at this point.
What have you got to do with the apology – be gracious and not a child. “You are so sweet for apologizing, but it is not necessary – touching base a few times a week and arranging skype calls feels perfect. When do you want to chat?
Grow up.
talllady
You can’t have it both ways – he contacts you and you are not happy, he does not contact you and you are not happy.
talllady
And a man who can actually apologize – you better hold on to that, because many are stubborn often.
Alexis
I think you should accept the Skype date. Just see what he has to say. In my opinion, think it’s great that he apologizes to you, esp since you’re not nagging him. I had a guy that would do that to me. Although it wasn’t necessary, it was appreciated. Maybe instead of ignoring his apology or accepting his apology…you just go with the flow, show a care free attitude. My go to line is always, “No worries!” Just lets you come off as cool as a cucumber.
As for not wanting to build a relationship via digital communication. I think you should voice that. I’m struggling through the same thing. My local dating coach gave me great advice on this. You should set the standard on the way you want to be treated. Just convey that you’re not looking for a pen pal.
Also, as I read your post a bit more, maybe he’s coming off as needy to you? Because you mentioned that you were a bit put off by his behavior.
Khadija
Hello A-noN,
It sounds like this man is trying to stay in contact with you while he is away.
Be appreciative and just accept the skype date.A-noN
Thank you for the responses – not what I expected (expected move on, references to e-tethering etc), but VERY interesting to hear outsider takes on it.
I do however think I might have not painted a clear enough picture by attempting to keep my narrative factual/to the point.
So, to clarify some things … no, I don’t think he is needy, I pretty much adore him (although I’m not the clingy type) … and you are right about not showing (enough) appreciation. I guess I thought the fact that I’m always enthusiastic/delightful/encouraging in messages would reflect approval/appreciation for his efforts. I will have to express my appreciation in a clear sentence when I respond (accepting the Skype date) then.But to elaborate:
I know that he is away&busy, that guys don’t like constant/long/drawn out convos over text/email/social media and also because it’s really hard to stay close/get closer to someone if you’re not spending time together in person – so I can deal with all that. But here’s what I find frustrating/what is actually bugging me:– I respond to his messages, and it is always open-ended (questions/opportunity to engage in convo) as I’d really love to learn more about him, but somehow he never answers my questions, but ends up asking me questions. Ie – he is learning more about me, whereas I’m not learning that much about him. (well, between the lines I am, but you know what I mean)
– That last apology/Skype invite came across pretty lacklustre (hence referring to the “tone” not sitting well with me) compared to his usual approach, and the excuse was a blatant lie. Plausible, just highly unlikely going by his routine (which I’m intimately familiar with due to Feb). He might just be tired/jaded at this point though.
– He’s def more “gentleman” than “player”, but I don’t doubt for a second that he’d sleep with me first opportunity I give him, and I’m not in the business of dragging things out with men that view me as a sexual conquest.
Maybe I’m just not used to guys being this sweet if I’m not their gf?!
Khadija
I think you should just enjoy yourself and let things unfold.
Don’t over think what he reveals to you and doesn’t reveal to you.
Also, every moment is not going to be a wow woment with man. Try and see the effort that he made in following through with the call to you.
In some cases people take time to show who they are to you. Just watch and wait.
A man should be treating you well girlfriend or not. Always keep that in mind and if they don’t, well they get the boot.Jen
Well, first off, do you consider yourselves “dating”? From what it sounds like there’s just been a confirmation of mutual interest therefore, I’d have ZERO expectations until you both happen to be in a place where you’re even able to see if it CAN progress into something more significant. Quit getting bent out of shape with expectations of communication and it’ll either flourish or fade. He’ll initiate contact or he won’t, but at this point, you’re behaving more like a burden.
Secondly, I travel often and sometimes even when I’m dating someone it’s a little out of sight, out of mind unfortunately. I’ll shoot an I miss you text now and again but hey, I got shiii to do and I’m out of my normal daily element so my behaviors gonna be a bit subjective. If it’s work and not leisure, still, work takes priority…
Lastly, if he wanted to contact you more frequently, he would. If he hasn’t, he doesn’t want to. I’m sorry if that’s harsh but men can be as simple as that to understand sometimes
talllady
A-non. If I deserve any flack for being unfair, it would be on this thread and calling you a child. I am sorry for that.
As to your 3 concerns:
A. In his mind, he told you he would be home in 3 weeks, then is when he will focus on your and getting to know you. He does not see any sense in investing highly until he sees you in person. That is how man connect, not through words. So you wanting him to do that is like asking a goldfish to do the tango on a hard wood floor. He has a end date and is reaching out occationally to keep the connection alive
B. Men are not flowery. If that is what you want, date a woman. It is more important that he is contacting you then the words he is using. Men have a much more limited vocab in general, so stop punishing him for it :-)
C. All men will sleep with someone if given the chance. They are men. It is your job to manage that you get what you want. This is a non-issue from the standpoint, that men should not be jusdged for being men.
A-noN
Before I respond properly –
Jen, can you please pin point/list what made you come to the conclusion that I’m “behaving more like a burden”? Not being sarcastic, would really like to know which action(s) I took is/are indicative of that.
whiskeyagogo
Sounds like he was trying his best, and you were a bit rough on him.
A-noN
TL – I have thick skin; don’t sweat it ;)
Re A: true.
Re B: also true (and the “flowery” made me laugh), but this one is actually quite the word wizard (it’s something we bonded over – we both write). Although obviously just because he has a way with words doesn’t mean he utilises it the way women do. The one apology actually went a little like this: “Sorry, no enticing display of verbal eloquence today. I’m tired, but still up for penning this very lame, belated reply. Oh well, can’t be awesome all the time.[…]” (ref Khadija’s comment re wow moments – I think he’s awesome even when (he thinks) he isn’t!)
Re C: once again true. It’s just that I’m probably a little out of his league (inasmuch that some of his (team)mates pointed it out when they were having bit of a ribbing session) and he knows I’m attracted to him, so … male ego and all that. -_-
Que sera, sera – back to just going with the flow, but so far I’ve found the responses/different perspectives very interesting, thank you.
Penelope Phillips Hemmingworth the Third
Just wanted to tell you that due to his massively inflated ego no man believes that any woman, no matter how hot, is out of his league. This applies even to the shy ones.
00
Are you thinking his apologies are half assed/empty?
I think you should do the Skype thing with him though. See what his vibe is like before you call it.A-noN
Update, or maybe not as much an update as me venting (again)/talking myself through because I don’t know what the deal is with this guy.
Last time I didn’t elaborate, but we’re actually semi-pro athletes in a team of which he is the captain (we’re individual contenders though), and I’m one of the newest team members, hence meeting Feb at training camp. We are based in city S abroad/away from home, and we’ve been contending/training in different countries the last month or so. He finished a week ago, and took a detour to go see his family back home in stead of heading back to city S.
To backtrack, he never responded to my “Skype date acceptance message” (and the Skype “date” hasn’t happened to date, although we’ve been on logged in on Skype at the same time), and as I was skeptical about it from the start, I noted with a semi-non-chalance that he didn’t follow through.
Then he sent out a team email a week ago (in his capacity as team captain, so not personal stuff) which had a response deadline, and I waited ’till the absolute last day to respond to it. Then when I finally do it, he responds immediately, starting out a little cool(?), but warming in tone with every “round”, to the point where I start to feel **almost** as connected as February when we were around each other all the time (that was the last 2 days). Today I don’t feel like talking to him (it’s his “turn” to mail back though, not that I’d respond today anyway – guess I feel a little satiated? It’s probably the dribs & drabs and then all at once thing.)Anyway, I just don’t get his deal. At all.
It took me a while to catch on Feb because (maybe because I was highly focused on training, although I was drawn to him instinctively), and then when the light finally went on in my head **it came across as?** him being REALLY into me (btw, team members hook up/have relationships ALL the time; it’s hard not to with our lifestyle. kinda like Dr’s dating Dr’s etc).
I know people change their minds all the time/the separation isn’t helping/it could’ve all just been a charade/sweet words&gestures, but I had (and still have!) such a strong gut feeling about/connection with this one (and fyi, there are other guys in the mix/I do keep busy – I train and compete at a competitive level which takes channeled focus and discipline for crying out loud – it’s just that I keep coming back to this one)Khadija
I’d say to continue to keep your focus on other things.
He is not putting in th effort to keep the communication going, so why even be bothered by him?
I think people oftentimes focus on the ones that probably don’t want us.
While you’re going over all these details in your mind he’s off living his life.
Move forward to someone else. -
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