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- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 2 years, 8 months ago by
Eric Charles.
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Gina
I started talking to a guy as friends from a dating app in July 2021. He lives in another city in the same country. I was ok with this situation as at that time I was out of a serious relationship and badly burnt. I was just looking to have some friends to talk to who aren’t looking to sleep with me and just ant pen pals. We are both 27 years old. As I got to know him I realised that I could trust him as he was really open about his life and what he was doing in it. And surprisingly I found out we have a lot in common. With time recently he mentioned that he has developed a crush on me. He really loves my presence and my vibes. He also finds me very pretty and talented. I like him for his calm and transparent nature. He was quite understanding about my time boundaries and moods because of the breakup phase that I was in. I mean I would only be available to talk on my terms. And he would patiently be available whenever I wanted. And I wouldn’t return his calls many times. Slowly and gradually he got used to my ways and adapted accordingly. However, now I feel like talking a bit more consistently. How do I bring this up to him?
Anna
just to clarify, you haven’t actually met this guy in real life?
Eric CharlesKeymaster“However, now I feel like talking a bit more consistently. How do I bring this up to him?”
You want to know how to bring up that you feel like talking to him more consistently?
For what purpose?
Sam
Ummm, how about you just start talking to him more consistently? Sorry, but why must everything be a conversation/confrontational.. it’s annoying lol
Liz Lemon
This isn’t an LDR because it’s not a relationship. It sounds like you’re friends. If he’s a friend you want to talk to more, then call him up more.
It sounds like you want something romantic from this guy, is that the case? Like Eric asked, what is your purpose for wanting to talk more? To develop a relationship? Since you referred to it as a “LDR” in your title, I’m guessing you want more from this guy than friendship.
You haven’t even met in person, right?
We’re just trying to tease out what it is you really want from this guy. You should be honest with yourself about your intentions and expectations. I will say, if you’ve never even met the guy, it’s a bad idea to start getting romantically attached. That almost never works out.
Gina
Basically since ge mentioned vhe has a crush on me, I also felt like I like him too. And if we both like each other then why not talk more and get to know each other more to see if we can be good partners if we ever wanted to. And it’s LDR so there’s no question of s*x etc so it’s not like I will get attached. I am not really attached. But since I am still not in the correct space to date mentally, this guy Seems like a breath of fresh air, wherein I can talk and be myself. So it feels like it’s right to talk more. I don’t know how do I sound but this is how I feel. I like him and would want to get to know him more. Haven’t met him yet tho.
Eric CharlesKeymasterOK, a few things:
“I like him and would want to get to know him more.”
What’s stopping you from getting to know him more? Or rather, what do you feel isn’t happening now between you that you’d like to have happening?
You mentioned you both have a crush on each other. OK cool.
It feels like you want to make something happen… or test to see if a relationship is possible…
My guess is that you want to feel if there’s romantic potential here for a relationship, but you are not sure if that’s realistic, so you want to see if he’s open to that before you put yourself out there.
Is that it?
If I have that wrong, can you tell me what it is that you want to achieve here? Where are you going with this?
Gina
What’s stopping me from getting to know him more: I just don’t know how to suddenly break the dynamic of being available always etc. What if I don’t like it and what if he does? I don’t want to hurt him. It looks like he does really like me. Also, I sometimes feel since I am not really in the right headspace to date I should maybe keep it this way only: good friends.
What would I like to happen: I want him to chase me a bit more. In the beginning he wanted to but then I came across as someone who needs time to move on from her past. So he backed off as i wasn’t so interested
Eric- yes that’s exactly what it is. I want to see if there is romantic potential
Eric CharlesKeymaster“I just don’t know how to suddenly break the dynamic of being available always etc. What if I don’t like it and what if he does? I don’t want to hurt him.”
OK, so you’re afraid of getting into a romantic dynamic and then figuring out that you’re not really into it? You’re afraid of having to break that off and hurting him?
“It looks like he does really like me. Also, I sometimes feel since I am not really in the right headspace to date I should maybe keep it this way only: good friends.”
See, when I read your questions, it feels as if you’re trying to control what the situation is because you’re afraid of it somehow getting out of control…
I’m just sharing how this feels to me. It’s like you’re trying to find ways to contain the interactions within certain guidelines where you can almost stand outside of it with no emotional risk.
The approach here feels very abstract and emotionally detached.
Like if there’s romance and attraction here, wouldn’t you be too busy enjoying feeling that and flowing with that naturally in your conversations?
“What would I like to happen: I want him to chase me a bit more. In the beginning he wanted to…”
So you were doing something that was already working… and when you were getting that response, you weren’t attracted… and now, you want to make him chase you like he was.
“but then I came across as someone who needs time to move on from her past. So he backed off as i wasn’t so interested”
Maybe that’s why he backed off. We don’t know.
The answer here is not to make some kind of proposal to him, like this you’re drawing up a business contract.
Your mind is making this complicated when it’s not.
You’re making this complicated because you’re afraid. That’s what’s really going on here.
What if you were just OK with whatever happens?
He rejects you. OK, what if you were OK with it?
You get into a thing with him and then change your mind. OK, what if you were OK with that?Really, the true root of your problem here is that there’s something you’re afraid of in all of this… and you’re trying to engineer the perfect approach so it doesn’t touch on whatever your fears are.
You’re a woman, he’s a man.
You’re already having conversations with him.
You can signal that you’re available and interested indirectly. That’s what flirting is, essentially.
You’re indirectly INVITING him to take things a little further. If he does, cool, you invite him to take it a baby step further than that. If he does, then another invitation, again and again.
Baby steps. You invite him to go further with you.
You can just start talking about more things openly.
You can talk about how you appreciate how he was there for you after the breakup.
How you miss romance.
How you love when a man does XYZ.
How the most attractive quality in a man is when he’s someone you can talk to…
All that kind of stuff. It’s indirect, so if he doesn’t pick it up, it’s not a rejection.
Am I making sense here?
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