Let Go or Be a Friend?

LET. HIM. GO.

He’s not even close to over her and it’s very possible they will reconcile.

NEVER get involved with a man who is recently divorced and still talking about his ex, especially when he didn’t want the divorce and she filed. Such a man is the worst kind of head case.

I take it you met him online. A lot of men will immediately list themselves on dating sites to get over the last one by getting another one under them. Ha. Just weed out guys who are too newly out of another relationship, they’re only going to use you as a rebound. They’re too hurt to know what they’re even doing.

Don’t feel sorry for him and want to help or fix him. If you try to stay “friends” with this guy you will be used for free therapy and then abandoned when he finds the woman he really wants to do. It won’t be you if you’re hanging around listening to his problems.

I meant let him go as in don’t try to be friends. You work with him – even more reason not to engage further. He’s got an open legal battle on his hands in a divorce he doesn’t want. He isn’t any mindset to be just “friends” with you, you’d wind up hearing about his problems. He’s also not at all his normal self right now.

I wouldn’t attempt or hope for a friendship with this guy. You barely know him, and things have already gotten weird. He has a lot of baggage that has already affected your very limited interactions. This isn’t a good foundation for a friendship, much less a relationship. Plus the fact that you work together is not good– you don’t want any awkwardness seeping into your work relationship.

Oh, and I’ve seen where this goes. One of my friends keeps exes she dated briefly as friends – after they promised undying love after a date, then backed out after like 2 dates because they were scared of commitment. These are recent exes.

Maybe they’d be OK as friends if there weren’t previous sex or feelings involved. But they ffrequently pester her about giving them another chanceor how they wish she wasn’t with her now BF and I feel sorry for her.

If she stuck to making friends with men where there weren’t feelings involved, she’d have a lot less nuisance.

I have an update.

He texted me after 10 days of NC. I was surprised because I thought he was done after telling me he couldn’t let anyone in and was not in a place to date right now. He did say he wanted to give his situation time to resolve. I didn’t expect to hear from him again. So, why would he text me?

He’s had a moment of loneliness, regret, sadness or whatever, and is checking to see if you’re still on the line. He’s lonely or needs an ego boost. Men who get rejected by their wives are often looking for reassurance that some other woman will find them attractive. He’s probably in so much pain he doesn’t realize that he’s being extremely unfair to you by continuing contact.

I wouldn’t say anything or at most I”d say, until your situation resolves entirely and you’ve had some healing time it’s best for both of us not to have contact outside work or on a personal level. Don’t get sucked into this guy’s mess.

Agree with K. He’s not interested in a relationship with you in the way you are interested. He misses the nurturing a woman provides and being Mother’s Day he may have been sentimental. How you responded was fine. Don’t initiate with him at all.

Jennifer: look at what you just wrote objectively. You’re playing with fire. He’s withdrawn saying he can’t handle a relationship because he’s going through a bad divorce and now he’s back 10 days later with songs for you??

I don’t know if you’re just bored, but this is a dangerous game. “I don’t mind talking to him” – that’s a pretty weak reason to carry on contact. Are you just frittering your time because you have nothing better to do? Really?? I know it’s lockdown and all, but there’s still plenty to do.

Sorry to scold but this is how women get sucked in. They feel sorry for the guy, he’s nice, they’re secretly hoping he’ll see what a great catch she is… she thought she was in control at the start and then she winds up hooked. Plenty of posts about that around here.

Don’t mean to insult you but I think you know why he keeps calling and you’re flattered by the attention. Or you wouldn’t keep talking with him or posting about it here.

Apparently you’re not going to let go and you’re going to be a friend. I really hope you don’t get burned. Best of luck. I’m staying off this thread now I’ve said all I can say.

You need to make this about you and not him. He stays in contact because he already gave you the disclaimer he Is not ready to date. But i mean whatever. You are ready to date and find a man who will love you and he is not that man. Its that simple. You dont have the time or energy left if you pick up all the strays on the journey. You have to be selfish here.
Just say: it was nice to get to know you, but i also heard you not ready for a relationship. I am however and think its best not to stay in contact for now. Wish you the best. Or something like that.

One way to set a healthy boundary when he texts is to give short answers or not respond really. If you don’t want to talk to someone, that’s what you do. I can understand how you don’t want to hurt him, but the one thing a previous poster mentioned is to think of yourself now. Men always do that with relationships which is why they seem in control of them- if they want a relationship- they pursue it, if they don’t- they stop. This guy is in rebound territory and is looking for comfort, not a new serious relationship.

Jennifer, I don’t think he will be as hurt as you think. Also, you are not responsible for him. You’re shortchanging yourself in the name of being polite to him and that’s unfair to you. YOu’re looking for someone available and he has made it clear he is not. And honestly, he won’t be for a long, long time. He will need time to heal after this divorce is over. You will more than likely be well on to someone else in the near future because you are ready. It could take him years.

Just be direct, don’t beat around the bush. I don’t agree on the “be short, take your time to respond” – I find that approach rather cowardly and dishonest. Treating someone like that is a lot more hurtful than telling the truth. He’s put it out there that he’s not ready. You can and should be as honest about where you are at. I would call him and tell him you appreciate that he was honest and said he’s not ready for a relationship. Thing is, you are and because of the difference in where you two are in life it’s really best that you not have any contact on a personal level outside work. Leave it at that. Don’t get into a discussion or explanations. If you have to send it in text or email that’s OK, you don’t know this guy that well. And he really is being inappropriate at this stage by continuing to contact you. Again, honestly, he’s using you to boost his ego by doing silly things like sending you songs about finding new love. Put up some boundaries, set your standards, put yourself first and have the life you choose.

K, newbie, anon, mell, Liz,

THANK YOU for the great advice. You got me thinking about putting myself first and what I want out of my life right now. When I really examine my feelings, I think I am engaged in a lot of “wishful” thinking that I could be the one to save and heal him. I don’t know why that’s the case, but it is true. Maybe it is how women are socialized to be caretakers. Makes sense and I got hooked into that role. Thinking that I could be the one to help him imagine a new life with a new love (me!) kept me in it, I think.

I feel so bad for him and what he’s going through. He is divorced for a year & separated for 2 years, so I expected he was open to dating. He seemed to be, until this stay-at-home period. Texting me everyday started to trail off and now it’s once a week. I don’t need the distraction and now that I know he is not ready to date– and who knows when that will change–I need to put myself first, as you’ve all said, and set boundaries.

I can’t thank you guys enough for opening up a new way for me to see what he is really doing (wanting comfort)/ego boost) and what I am doing (wishful thinking). Intentions are hard to see when you’re in it. I’m now seeing the light.