lied about illness to break up – how to confront?

Wow. After that little confession, no wonder you won’t listen to anyone on this forum.
I would probably lie to you as well.

You really sound like you are not in a good mental place.

WoW! You have too much time on your hands to be playing detective, and trying to trap a dude you barely know. Agree with others in that there is something much much deeper going on, in your personality, that will make men run if this is how you act or behave. Look up “love bombing” as that’s what he did, and you fell for it. Its called “a life lesson,” and I truly hope you can step back from your vendetta, and learn something from it.

I think you need to find better ways to deal with rejection, as this is over the top, and will not serve you well in the future if this is how you deal with people, or problems.

Kara,
You have every right to your feelings. I would only ask if feeling this way is bringing you any benefit? He clearly has issues and lacks moral awareness if he is lying about having cancer. His vibration and frequency are low. Someone with low frequency is like quicksand if you let them draw you in. Your most powerful recourse is to not consent to being sucked in.

It’s your choice to call him out or not. I’m not suggesting you don’t engage with him because of his rights, feelings, or going by some arbitray bar set for deciding if the amount of time you dated had meaning or not. All that sort of talk does is invalidate your feelings. I am, however, suggesting you not engage with him because engaging will fuel whatever sick game that’s getting him off. I don’t give a crap about him and his toxic games. What I do give a crap about is you lowering your vibrations to his level. He’s in an ugly and pathetic place to do the things he is doing. Letting yourself go down to his level gives him power. Raising your vibration by loving and valuing yourself gives you all that power.

What you think becomes your life. Do you really want to be anywhere close to the path he’s traveling with his thoughts?

Kara,
I wanted to add this –
For what it’s worth as a stranger on a forum, I really do understand where you are coming from. I know how much it sucks to try to express your feelings and get feedback that seems like it validates him and invalidates you. Although I don’t agree with how some responses were worded and the direction they took, I do agree with the underlying message that he’s not worth your energy and you are responsible for the quality of your life.

I spent far too much time in the same thought pattern you are in over this guy. I wasted so much time and energy feeling wronged. I’m not sure what exactly made it click that no matter what someone else did that ultimately I chose how much I let it affect me. That doesn’t mean you excuse his behavior or buy into anyone saying that behavior is acceptable at your expense. What it does mean is that you don’t let it define you and your actions for the type of person you want to be.

enuff time wasted. now move on.. he dsnt deserve so much of our time and energy.

You’ve gotten a lot of good responses here. The only other one I’m going to add is, don’t let him define you. You are the only one who gets to define you. Don’t give your power away by assuming he thinks all this stuff about you (like you’re gullible) or that it even matters what he thinks! But since you don’t know what he thinks, those words you’ve been repeating and ruminating over are actually your own thoughts and are the way you view yourself. Don’t beat yourself up the way you have been. Like I said before, view getting out of this crappy situation early as a win, not a loss.

Good luck confronting him. I don’t think anyone here can answer your question and tell you how to do it because you need to decide for yourself what’s best and what you want to say and feel confident in your own choices, you don’t need our validation. If it doesn’t make you feel better and you still don’t have the closure to move on after, I hope you take all the other advice you’ve gotten in this thread.

Kara, im not going to lie i have also done the “pretend to be someone else text” and really it hurts more than it helps in my opinion. You get this sick feeling in the pit of your stomach and feel sick knowing they are deliberately ignoring you. This guy didn’t want to hurt your feelings and lead you on to believe you two were something more.

I think you should take some time to reflect on yourself and figure out what you want in life. Don’t worry about trying to find the perfect guy. They don’t exist. Just live your life and if someone great comes along awesome! Don’t seek someone out.

I also think you shouldn’t call him out, why stoop to his level? Be the bigger person that you are and move on. He isn’t worth your time. I cant tell you how many tears I’ve shed for guys who don’t deserve it. You are strong and independent!

I had a friend who was always in the middle of drama. I pulled back because her drama was probably 95% her own making. She was always trying to get even with exes, stores, neighbors, etc. It backfired on her constantly. She did6nt know when to stop. You already got him back by giving him a taste of his own medicine.

I’m not going to try to appeal to you to be the better person. It’s clear you don’t want to go that direction. So in light of that, let’s talk strategy – You exit while you are on top. Take your win and get whatever enjoyment you get from it. If you keep pushing you run a huge risk of exposing yourself as the one who is behind all his supposed bad luck. Once he realizes you set him up your victory of standing him up will be a defeat. He’s not going to suddenly see the light of how he did you wrong. He will be reinforced that he did nothing wrong and as is the victim of you.

You have it set up in your mind that he’ll see things your way. How many people have told you their view on here? You don’t agree. That’s fine and your absolute right. You don’t have to go along with the crowd. Do you think he’s going to be any different?

If your 100% true goal is only to tell him you know he lied, then that is your business and I would support you standing your ground. If you are hoping, even a tiny bit, he will have an epiphany and see the error of his ways – you’re betting against the house. Be really honest with yourself about your goal. If you aren’t you are only setting yourself up for failure.

What I’m deciphering is that you want something more than to tell him you know he lied, let the chips fall where they may, and be done with the idea of this guy. If that was the case it’s a really simple and quick procedure. You wouldn’t need any advice on how to do it. You know how to contact him. The message you want to send could be said very clearly in one, maybe two sentences. Anything longer and you’re just appealing to him for something other than telling him you know he’s a liar.

Reflect honestly on your goal. If you have hopes of anything other than telling him the jig is up, then I agree with Sophie to exit while you are on top.

i thought long and hard why i am so attached to this person that i barely know especially with all of the lying that i uncovered in the short time we have known each other. i think in the time we did know each other i became wildly fascinated by some of his better qualities, i.e. the incredible success the generosity, etc. and just wanted him to be in my life. i am not crazy enough to be in love with him or anything over the top so i would literally take him in any capacity be it friend or acquaintance just someone that i could run ideas by and get advice from. maybe i want to reach out to convey the message of hey look i know you lied i know you arent interested but why do we have to cut of all communication. on our trip, the weather was bad, everything was closed, so we literally spent all day every day there talking for hours and hours about everything and anything. we closed down restaurants and spoke into wee hours of the night. can that type of interest be faked? and if not, why cant we continue to communicate in a non romantic way? ive literally never had someone cut of communication like this unless we had a fight so i am struggling to understand where he is coming from here and i guess that is why i am having a hard time moving on

Think about it though, would you even want someone like this as a friend? Someone who would lie about having cancer to a woman he’s dating? Earlier in this thread a poster made a comment– do you think this is the first lie he’s told, or you’re the first person he’s lied to? Of course not. He obviously has serious problems. He would not be trustworthy even has a friend. So why would you want to run ideas by him, or get advice from him? Try to look at it that way.

I understand he was very charismatic and you had a short but intense time with him. Listen, I dated a guy like this — not as bad as him in terms of lying, but he was very charismatic, we had intense interactions, we talked for hours about everything. In hindsight, he was not interested in me as a person. The interaction, the talking, the time spent together– it was all about him and his ego. This guy wanted your attention, and he got it, and held it for awhile. You are looking at the hours you spent talking as him being genuinely interested in you, but I don’t think that’s a case. A guy who has real interest in you would not lie and cut you off abruptly. I think you were a vehicle for this guy’s ego, you were someone he could travel with and he could talk to, but now he’s done with you and on to the next woman. To be blunt, you were disposible to him.

I’m not trying to be harsh, I’m just trying to reframe it for you. Again, I have personal experience dating a charismatic but manipulative guy who tricked me into believing his interest in me was genuine, but it was not. This guy’s interest in you was fake, it was not genuine, because if it was real he wouldn’t have cut you off like that.

The problem here is him. Don’t try to figure him out. Like others have said, you will not make him realize anything. The healthiest thing for you is to let go and move on.

I know it hurts. You’re confused about why he did what he did. Truth is, being confused in your situation is a choice.

You don’t know why he lied after your trip. Being dishonest is his problem to deal with. It’s not yours. That’s all you need to know not to be confused.

Someone who knows how to have a healthy relationship wouldn’t and shouldn’t want to plead with a liar to be in her life. Was getting hurt once not enough? You’re looking for his approval you are worthy to be with. Being friends will prove you are worthy, right? Wrong. It only proves you can be lied to and go back for more.

I don’t think he faked it. He was looking for something, got it and was satisfied. It stopped there for him. Some people just don’t have it in them to go the distance with anyone. Look to yourself for your worth, not an emotionally stunted guy.

If a friend said, “Hey, there’s a guy I know. He’ll take you on a trip. He’s really charming. He’ll talk a great game and make you feel special. You’ll so fall for him” You’d probably be all for meeting until she added, “But he’s an emotional wreck, will lie like a rug, tell you he has cancer and disappear. Do you want to go out with him?”
You wouldn’t block out the second half. You’d tell your friend, “no way” and question why she would want to do you in like that.

You are being the questionable friend to yourself. You are doing yourself in.

Ty mama. I hate knowing anyone is going down a totally avoidable path. I hope she rereads the entire thread with a new outlook. There’s so much good advice from so many.
Yes on *fingers crossed*