Long Distance Relationship – Two Questions

Hi Jacquetta and thank you for your response!

I agree that meeting halfway is only fair. A girlfriend suggested it would make me look too “eager”, so I began questioning my decision. As for it not being an actual date? I feel like it it. We plan to meet for the first time, in a public place, for dinner, much as I would on any other first date with someone I met online and to whom I had spoken far less. If that date goes well, we’ll meet again the next day for hiking.

The second part. This is something that people with different personality types may not understand but this man and I are both INFJs. Part of our frustration with dating is the need for much small talk and surface conversation, which exhausts us. I am often much happier hanging out with myself than with others for this very reason. We are both more comfortable with people whom we can have more in depth conversation. The problem is, with 99% of the people we meet, in depth conversation isn’t possible for a good long while. When I (and he has said this applies to him too) encounter someone (friend or otherwise) where there is an instant feeling of connection and safety in talking about anything on our minds, it’s a truly wonderful experience. It hardly ever happens though. I don’t really see his sharing as using me for therapy but as finding a kindred spirit (whatever this turns out to be, the thought that I haven’t found a true friend has never crossed my mind). We have talked (via phone and Skype) enough that we both feel we’re already on date ten. Practically, we know this isn’t actually the case (hence the separate rooms and specific “dates” during that weekend) but the feelings are definitely there and the sharing is the only way either of us know how to truly connect.

I understand what you’re saying though. I would advise some of my friends similarly if they were in the same situation and others differently, depending on their personalities. But, this “get really close and ‘expose’ yourself and then disapper for 24-48 hours is something I’ve seen before, both in my last serious relationship and with my ex husband. What I want to know is if this is typical male behavior and why do they feel the need to do it? I’m not sitting around staring at my phone (again, I’m very comfortable with myself and doing my own thing, solo). I have no fear that I’ll never hear from him again. I’m simply puzzled and curious.

:-)

What is INFJs????
You won’t know if there’s a proper connection til you meet in person.
Sad, but true.

All right…I was not asking for opinions on whether I should meet him or for how long, or how appropriate it is that we share the things we do. Please look at the original questions…thank you to those who addressed those. Everyone has a unique personality type and therefore different needs and ways of forming connections. He contacted me because he did a search for his highest match percentage in the Eastern US and I was it. First messages were silly and commenting on our similarities because we have some unusual commonalities. It grew from there. As I mentioned, I have a virtual job and can work from literally anywhere there is an internet connection. I have no ties to any specific area as my daughter is in college. IF things were to progress, I would have little issue relocating but honestly, I’m not giving that a whole lot of thought until I meet him (which is why I didn’t include it in my original message).

Anne Ohio…every instinct I have tells me he is not a “weirdo”. If he is, I am too. I’m not “weird” because I prefer exchanges involving in depth topics as opposed to copious amounts of small talk. Either is he. Also, we’re not texting each other with the details of our lives. We’re video chatting. I can see body language, facial expression, tone and inflection. I can see how he presents himself and his overall demeanor. Because it’s an unusual situation, I’ve thoroughly “checked him out” in terms of life events and basic details. He does not continually dump his deepest darkest secrets in my lap…the other day something I said triggered a memory and he felt safe enough in sharing it with me. Period. I wasn’t asking whether or not this was appropriate.

Anyway, thank you again for those who addressed my question instead of attacking decisions I’ve already carefully considered and made.

It’s called ‘Grooming’

Amazing Connections,
Deep conversations,
You’ve been chatting for a month,
Meeting some where in the middle,
This leads to that…

You never hear from him again.

I found it confusing that he would tell you as a result of his ex marginalizing his feelings, he finds it difficult to share fears and deep stuff. Yet he knows you by phone for a few weeks and has no problem all of a sudden opening up. That sounds sketchy to me. He is either lying or kinda crazy. This is what makes it so easy for scammers. They throw out the list of problems and know most women will feel sorry and special because he told her. INJFs are rare. What are the odds of finding one and also finding someone who took Myers Briggs personality testing. This guy sounds pretty fake to me. Agree with Peggy it’s so unsafe to meet at a hotel. Based on what you wrote we all know this will turn into sex.

Hi again Kallyn,

You say he feels like a kindred spirit as a result of your video calls. To flippantly make a point, and I hope you smile – what if he smells horrid?!
OK, OK… But it’s far more likely than him being a psycho!
I’m sticking with my more down to earth interpretation of the situation. (I know there are sociopaths out there, but there are a lot more on TV!)

I respect that you had specific questions, but the answers tie-up with the rest of your post, the normalcy of how often between contacts relates to the type of relationship u=you have.

Your reply to mine asked whether it was normal for men to “get really close and ‘expose’… … then disappear for 24-48 hours.” The answer is “Yes.” Being out of contact for a couple of days is totally normal if you hardly know each other/only just met/are not yet in a committed relationship etc, etc. The bit that bothers every one of your respondents is the “expose” with someone you have never even met.

Sorry that some people have been rather acerbic about it – I’ve noticed that happening quite a lot here. Nonetheless, some good points have been made such as this guy saying he has difficulty sharing and then immediately divulging so much to you! It may have made you feel special, but despite what you say about your both being INFJs I still think this man has been over-sharing. I know the Myers-Briggs types – he should know how to behave more appropriately.
Conversations can be deep and meaningful without revealing too much too soon. You can talk seriously about your views of politics, art. literature, psychology – anything other than emotional baggage. His disclosures need to be seen as a major red flag. Take care.

Please don’t meet this man in a hotel – Peggy is spot on about that. The way your feelings have run away like you’ve had 10 dates with a kindred spirit, there is a huge danger of you ending up in bed together when you need to be objective and sensible.

Though by now you have made a “date” I just wanted to clarify the concept of first meeting vs first date:

How many times has a first “date” with someone you met online been a total disappointment? I bet quite a few – you wrote about feeling jaded.
In “regular” dating, you meet someone somewhere, (work, college, at a party… ) You talk, maybe you laugh and smile, then there’s some flirting, you realise you like each other. This may go on over quite some time. Only then does one asks the other for a date.
Treating the first real-world meeting as an extension of the getting-to-know-you conversation brings the online experience closer to that of “regular” dating.
Reframe first meetings as part of the process began online (talking, laughing, realising) …then decide whether you want a date – the disappointments are far less!

About meeting halfway, that’s kind of part of the same approach in keeping you thinking straight.
No one has driven further than the other so can’t feel the other owes them anything. No one has driven less so doesn’t feel indebted. Same goes for splitting the bill.
This way you are behaving like someone who expects to behave and be treated like an equal.
If the meeting leads to a date and the date eventually leads to a relationship you can then expect one another to put in some effort, treat one another at times according to your means, make compromises, give and take .
Forget the game playing about not looking too eager.

Good luck

So, I began writing out a slew of details concerning our conversations, why we were discussing what we did, the things that were actually shared, how the plans came about and what the discussions have been for those plans, because I feel a lot of you are catastrophizing with very limited information. Or, maybe I opened that door in my initial message. Acerbic, indeed. In any case, sharing all of it now just seems like way too much and I doubt if would have any impact so I’ll say these things instead:

1. I called him tonight and while we were talking, I said, “About next weekend…” and he jumped in to say, “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. It’s completely uncool for me to ask you to drive this way. If you’ll help me find a place to stay, I’m coming to you. Just don’t plan anything for Sunday morning because I’ll need to get back.” Problem solved.

2. He absolutely was married (and divorced) and he absolutely has a child. More than one, in fact and it’s actually quite possible for an unplanned child related obligation to come up two weeks out. Does the person who suggested otherwise even have children? Remember that I’ve spoken to him on Skype so I know exactly what he looks like. I’ve seen photos of his children in the background and it’s clear he lives alone. I have a paid BeenVerified account and a close friend who is a federal prosecutor so I know his blood type and what he ate for lunch last Thursday. OK, that’s an exaggeration but I investigated the hell out of him because of the situation. Every single thing he told me concerning the details of his life check out. Additionally, regardless of the when/what/how, there will be at least three people who have his photo, address, phone number and license plate number. I check in with my best friend after EVERY date in the early stages. If I don’t, she calls.

3. I do possess some amount of impulse control. I won’t be having sex with him, regardless of how much I may want to, because I’m capable of controlling my own body and behavior. Period. His presence will not cause my panties to spontaneously fly off. That being said, I’m a grown ass woman and if I decided to have sex with someone so early, I won’t be shamed for it. I would simply have to accept any resulting consequences and not whine about it if he disappeared but both scenarios are mine to control.

4. I had a relationship with a narcissist for three years. I can smell that nonsense a mile away and if my Spidey senses even BEGIN to tingle, I’m outta there. Again, I’m not going to unload a lot of details but I’d bet the farm that this man is neither a narcissist or asociopath (I mean, really? Step away from the Forensic Files). I suspected he was an INFJ before we even discussed it. He’s taken the test three times, beginning in college, as have I.

5. I’m intimately familiar with the positives and challenges associated with this personality type. I’m also aware that empaths are like sparkly, fluffy balls of yarn to the tiger paws of the narcissist. I may be OVERsensitive to any potential narcissistic behavior and may have dismissed men weren’t narcissists at all, but did something that loosely reminded me of my ex. I would say the bigger problem for me now is that I’ve migrated to the other end of the spectrum and am over diligent about not associating with potential narcissists.

6. I’m not going to recant my earlier statements that, because of my personality type (and his as well), deep conversation is our baseline as individuals. It’s where we feel most comfortable. We have had in depth discussions on politics, religion, child rearing, virology, fractal geometry (yes, really), music, world events, climate change, Fermi’s Paradox, Social Issues, AI, etc etc etc, in addition to any personal stuff because we both HATE small talk. The reason some of you believe it’s “weird”, “Scary” and “crazy” that two empathetic introverts would quickly descend into deep conversation, and the reason that you probably haven’t encountered too many INFJs, is because WE think surface chatter is crazy and exhausting and we hide from you.

7. For the person who talked about being disappointed after a first date…I can honestly say I really haven’t been. Because I tend to talk some to the men I meet, before the date, I typcially feel as if we’re already on the way to a friendship. I actually AM friends with several men I met on a dating site with whom I ended up having no romantic connection. If we meet for dinner on Friday night and it doesn’t feel like a love connection, I can’t imagine that we won’t retain a friendship.

Jeez it’s late! G’night!

Your getting way too involved with someone you have never met. And that’s the bottom line. Not a very prudent thing to do. People from cyber world may at times seem real but they are not till you meet a few times. Meet the man for few dates before you get this intense.

Lane…I described what I wanted in my first post. I received a variety of opposing answers, which is fine and to be expected, but also a lot of criticism, some of which wasn’t at all constructive. Also, I did say a couple of times that IF things progressed, I wouldn’t have a problem relocating because of my job and situation. My last relationship began long distance and worked out well for two years. We had a game plan, he moved to me and we broke up for completely unrelated reasons.

Jacquetta…I felt attacked by some of the responses (not yours). Some called us names and assigned labels that they have no way to know applied. There was only one response which acknowledged that my personality type might have something to do with the way I communicated and the type of communication I wanted, and didn’t just call us both weird and crazy. I injected a lot of humor into my response that apparently didn’t translate and I can be a linear thinker so the numbered responses helped me provide information to questions that had been asked, and keep my thoughts straight. Also, I wanted to ease some of the concern I was hearing over safety. It IS an unusual situation but I’ve taken steps to make is less so…but now I’m being told that this is some sort of declaration of superiority? Also, I am not jaded. Most, not all but most, of the men I have actually met in the past year have been lovely, just not a match. The part that had me taking a break were the messages from men who were clearly not who was pictured/described in their profiles and those who would send crude messages from the get go. A lot of those and it wore me out.

I’m not done with advice that addresses the original questions or advice that is delivered in a thoughtful way (even if it opposes mine) and I truly appreciate the advice that did and was, whether I agreed or not (though one of the questions is no longer an issue). But, I AM done with being called names (or the person I’m talking to being called names) and I”m a little annoyed with the harsher comments from those lacking the ability to consider that not everyone communicates, dates, solves problems in exactly the same way they do.

Anyway, he’s coming here without my prompting. We’re not staying in a hotel together and I’m being as safe as I can outside of just not meeting him. I’m saying that to hopefully ease concern? I’m willing to update if anyone is interested but this is my first post and it seems that some (SOME) of the comments were really just a little more hostile than I care for.

You are overthinking this.

If he is paying for the hotel rooms and books 2, and you meet him half way, you don’t look desperate. A 5 hour drive is 10 each way. That’s a lot of driving for a date. If he views you as “desperate” for driving 2.5 hours after dumping his life story on you, then dumps you, consider it a bullet dodged.

Online guys have a 90% chance of being disappointing in person. Chemistry is hard to judge.

I’ve had guys open up to me before and generally it’s a giant turn off to me so I friend zone those guys immediately. I find that fatiguing. But you might like men that can share like that. Different strokes for different folks.

[all posts by ‘Umm’, who was posting as multiple people, have been deleted]

This board is mostly black and white and doesn’t give great advice in grey areas.

There are posters that basically assume that all women have a pool of men 10 deep who are aggressively courting them. They provide good advice to all the women who get involved with non-committal jerks. The boot in the butt is what is needed for the girl crying about her online boyfriend of a month being on dating sites actively.

Where the advice and philosophy fails is for women in grey areas and women dating passive men.There are men out there who need women to take a lead or that are OK with it. If this guy has spilled his life story to you, chances are he isn’t an alpha male who needs to be the pursuer.

If he shows up, is respectful and continues to make the effort to show up, it’s fine.