Long Distance Relationship – Two Questions

The problem is you over shared with him and us especially with people you’ve never met. There are woman who’ve experienced these types of men and are warning you to proceed with caution which every woman should until she’s spent a considerable amount of TIME with someone and without the basic element of chemistry you can’t know if this will be a one and done type of scenario or not.

Your adult enough to make decisions and honetly

Umm..I was reading through other posts and see that you still have an issue in believing I’m a “fake”. I’m not sure why but it’s not my responsibility to convince you otherwise, so just stop reading if you truly believe this. Too bad because your last comment on this thread was actually very reasonable.

And who the hell is Stephen? I see that name flying around so now I’m intrigued.

Lane, you may be right in the oversharing but I suppose only time will tell. I can’t go back and do it over. At this point it will work or it won’t. I felt safe doing so here due to the level of anonymity, but that may have been a mistake too. We’re all different…difference doesn’t equal invalid (not necessarily directed at you).

I agree that some men retreat in these circumstances to recharge, and just found an article here describing this very thing.

Anon…if I had to guess, I would guess that he’s more alpha than not, but tired of having to be an alpha all the time. But that’s just a guess at this point. And I appreciate your acknowledgement of grey areas.

I’m sure I’ll have more questions, either with this situation or in the future, but I’m almost afraid to put them out there?

Anon…maybe. My last boyfriend was a mix of Alpha and Beta (more grey area). This guy may be too, but I time will tell.

And,to be clear ,I an not defending the purposefully mean and rude posters at all.

Hi again Kallyn,

Thank you for responding to my last post to you here, and good on you for personal responses to so many people.

Just to clarify why I asked about your feeling “jaded” – the first para of your original post used that word and said you had been “completely exhausted by online dating nonsense….” I related to these words/feelings having recently got to the same point myself and, while I did not disable my profile, was letting my sub run its course and only going online when email alerts told me I had a message. (Not a look/wink/favourite, but a message.) I had promised myself that I would answer anyone who sent a proper message, even though it was usually to send a polite reply declining further contact. I promised this because I felt that, apart from the obvious scammers, everyone on a dating site was putting themselves on the line and deserved a polite reply. (Very many men have written back to say how much they appreciated my doing so, a few have tried to keep me engaged anyway.)

I had stopped actively “searching” because of being fed up with the whole thing. However, I am glad that I made the decision to look at actual messages as among them was one from a man I am currently dating., He would not have come up in my previous searches wherein I ticked a box that included men with university degrees. When I revealed this in a thread I started here I was told by one respondent that he was obviously testing my boundaries and also lying about how he had got the job he claimed to have without said degree! (Perfectly possible as I know from family in the same field of work!) I replied to say that he couldn’t have known that my search was for a university educated person, as my profile didn’t stipulate that. (Other site members don’t know about your search criteria.) I also explained that a university education was not a deal breaker for me, just a way I narrowed my searches for an intelligent man, as otherwise there were way too many profiles coming up to check. Needless to say, the poster who thought I was idiotically lowering my standards did not respond.

I am telling you this because I empathise with your frustration with some of the replies/exchanges you have had here.

One reason I felt you had come across as superior was that it felt like you were implying that I was not smart enough to do as you do and “tend(ing) to talk some to the men I meet, before the date” and so avoid disappointment. Another reason was that your comments about “surface chatter” seemed rather dismissive.

I guess this goes to show how online exchanges can be easily misinterpreted as so much connection relies on in-person contact. (I suppose this is why so many replies to your post are suggesting you suspend judgement/decisions till you meet your “date” in person.)

There are similarities between this site and online dating sites in as much as that you can expect to come across some genuine people you connect with, other genuinely good people who you do not feel an understanding with, others, and others who are at best annoying, at worst trolls. I feel it is worth maintaining the good connections, at least exchanging with other good people, and either calling out or ignoring the trolls!

As for your date – I think you have it clear in your mind. Just look after your INFJ heart!

Not sure if my contribution at this point would make any difference but I have to caution ANY woman about meeting a guy who actively searches women long distance.

Your explanation to this was looped. Saying that he searched for matches in the Eastern US is like saying he searched for women long distance. So he searched for women long distance because he searched for women long distance.

It is never a good sign. There is always, always a reason that is going to cause trouble and heart ache for women.

Unfortunately this is the scenario that happens a lot: a man entices a woman long distance, makes sure they “form a connection”, invests quite a bit of time and effort, given the long distance and a lot of tlaking, and a lot of effort required to meet, sex usually happens on the SECOND meeting. Overall investment on a man’s part is very minimum, mostly time and tlaking, and in his case, he is getting free therapy and a lot of moral support.

So sex happens, another meeting a month later, so we are taking 3 months in total roughly. From that point forward things start to fade out. But he keeps you hooked. You are involved, you are not dating anyone else, you are betting on this guy.

A year later you are in the same situation, where he comes and visits once every few weeks. His communication habits become more and more sporadic. You being to wonder if he is dating someone local. He of course denies everything vehemently.

Until one day he stops replying to you. Gone. Just like that.

it is never a good idea to START something long distance. Exceptions do happen and I truly wish your case will be this rare exception. But chances are against you. I hope you realize the risks.

it is not only the time that you’d waste. You’d end up with emotional trauma. And this does a lot of harm to your whole being. Consequences span long and wide.

This is why I am so adamantly advocating for women NOT to tolerate anything weird, anything rude, anything off at the start and DUMP the guy. Because chances are that these things happening early on would translate in harm and damage later. Chances are HUGE.

And yet women just can’t forgo any dude they meet it seems. They have incredibly difficult time saying no. Men don’t have this problem. They can take women on 1-2-3-4 dates and then change their mind because of some stupid thing that woman said one time. Women..??? they’d be giving second chances even if the guy did not call them after sex for a week.

I don’t understand why there is such a radical difference between female and male behaviour in the process of selection. But men certainly have an upper hand over us here.

So Kaitlyn, good luck to you. If this story turns sour, you owe it to this forum to tell the ending. For the sake of other women, naive and trusting.

omg…are you completely insane? What happened to you to make you so angry? So now you’re frothing at the mouth because I RESPOND to someone? If I didn’t would you then call me rude? Probably. For someone who seems to be so annoyed with me, you are certainly following pretty closely, except you can’t even get the details straight.

When was I involved with a sociopath for three years? When I was much younger, I dated a man who turned out to be a narcissist. Lesson well learned and not repeated since. In my response to Emma (and others), I pretty much said that I had no way of knowing if this would work out. My last relationship did. Just a fact. Are you envious or something?

Maybe go outside, get some fresh air, find something to do besides obsessing over other people’s posts.

Just my example. I had once connected with man 5-hour drive from my city. Connection via texting was nice and personalities totally clicked! In a while he came to my city for over a weekend. Took a hotel as I didnt allow him in my place as he expected. Nevertheless, was the most boring weekend I ever had! I counted hours he go home and was so upset my Sunday has to be spent with him again instead of doing some other fun things. He tried to have sex which was also annoying. Moral is, texting and skyping is one thing. Meeting face-to-face is another. I would take care of my valuable time and don’t agree on the whole weekend pack of plans, just in case to prevent myself form annoying company who drived so long

Ummm…if you didn’t scare me, I would give you my number and invite you to give me a call. If you can think of a way for you to “check me out” without providing my personal information to everyone here, feel free. I have NOTHING to hide from you. I’m a human who has some of the same relationship issues as many others here so I figured I could get some advice, and give some as well if I felt I could offer insight. But along with the truly lovely people here, the site seems infected with several militant, woman hating malcontents who are more interested in policing what everyone else is doing and saying than actually helping anyone. It’s a little disturbing.

SO…to anyone who’s interested (though I can’t imagine why you would be). Three years ago, I was posting for a while under the name Kate. I came here then because I had some questions and stayed for a bit because many of the people seemed warm and interesting. I left for two reasons: 1. I became very involved with helping one particular poster and got burned out 2. Some of the people were incredibly hostile and nasty to others and myself and it was kind of disgusting. I didn’t want to look at it anymore. My relationship was going well, I left and didn’t look at the site again for three years. Came back last week, perused a bit, realized I had forgotten how some of it works, saw a couple of Kates and decided to make the name a little more unique so it didn’t get mixed up with others. Neither is my real name so it makes absolutely no difference.

If someone doesn’t like me, doesn’t believe me or whatever, that’s their prerogative, for sure. But instead of wasting your energy on suspicion, maybe just ignore my posts? Have I left a single comment on anyone’s thread in the past week that seemed written with ill intent?

Hello Kailyn,

Damn i read this whole thread and i am shocked at the way people try to help nowadays. The veterans here are like bots, fast to dismiss, they look for 3, 4, 5 signs and baaaaam the guy is a douche he is gonna play you, he is manipulating and all the rest bs. It’s like all genuine was forgotten and everyone is just an evil narc trying to take advantage.

Despite this, i would also sugest caution. It seems u got the safety part covered up so u are good, just be careful about your heart. Do not wear it on your sleeve until u meet this guy in person because if meeting gets delayed, by the time u actually do it u might want to brush off any negative things about him.

Try to meet him as fast as possible. While i do agree that driving half way would be a courtesy thing towards him, i believe he should come to your territory the first time. If u guys click you can do some driving too and it will be fine. Since your work seems flexible maybe he can come visit you during the week days, assuming he can take a day off work? What worries me is that if only weekends are available, between his kids and unexpected events happening it will get delayed and honestly, this is the only thing that seems alarming to me.

You seem like u are mature enough to make a good judgement about him if u meet him in person, so my advice would be to make that happen asap. Hope everything goes well with your moms surgery

First of all, I’d like someone to explain to me what “fake post” means. Are you thinking I’m not a human being? That my name’s not Kailyn (it’s not)? Or maybe that I took time out of my full time work week, house repairs, helping to care for my mom and trying to date to make up something so incredibly boring, compared to some of the other issues I see posted here? I knew I’d be roasted for admitting I’d formed a connection with a man I haven’t yet met, yet I did it anyway because I did have some actual questions. I just don’t get it. Sheesh…some of you have real issues well beyond the scope of this forum. The only reason I’m responding to you is for the person who is afraid to post due to the bullying…maybe they’ll read this and realize they’re not alone and not everyone’s an *sshole.

For the people who provided genuine answers above, thank you. I know how this reads and I’m sure I’m a little defensive because it DOES appear to be a bad idea on the surface. It could BE a bad idea period…I guess I”ll find out soon enough. As for him looking for his highest match percentage, well, I can’t truly know his motivations beyond what he told me. You might be right in whatever suspicions you have and I might be too blinded by the perceived connection to see red flags underneath OR it was exactly what he told me and just his curiosity which led to something unexpected. And, maybe this is a rare event, but I DID have a LDR work out in the past, which began much the same way (a LOT of talking and in depth conversation before meeting) so I’m hopeful this person is as genuine and wonderful as the last.

Anyway, I’d like to start a new post about meeting people and forming connections online, before meeting in person because it seems to happen a LOT from what I’ve read, and I’m sure there are many who might like to talk about it, but are nervous to do so. I know I do, which is why I’m here. I’m hesitant though because from what I can tell, roughly half of the people who post are really only here because they are so miserable and insecure in their own lives that they need to create multiple profiles and bully everyone possible in the hope it will make them feel better about themselves. A tip…it won’t in the long term. Seek therapy.

From the legitimate responses I’ve seen a wide range of opinions (thank you again). I don’t think I’ve got anything more to say on this because the issue that jumps out is the distance and the connection formed before meeting…maybe I’ll post something about that (and let the rage and bullying ensue) or maybe not. Have to help my parents this weekend.

Joe gave advice days ago to ignore. Ok is telling you the same. But you just keep revealing you are the unstable one here. Meet the guy and see what happens. You aren’t a victim you just choose to fight and debate about things that don’t matter. It just makes you look foolish. Stop adding details that don’t matter. No one cares. You said you are mtg him on Tuesday. So meet him. Your overjustification about everything is dramatic and if you can’t see that, well, there’s the problem.

You guys are HILARIOUS!I haven’t even been on this thread and you all are entertaining yourselves.

So, here’s the facts: he drove here yesterday. We went out for an early dinner, walked around downtown, played pool (fun and silliness because I stink at it), had a cocktail or two and generally had a wonderful time. He had a hotel so we met out instead of him picking me up. At the end of the evening, he walked me to my car and there was some kissing but nothing more. This morning, I met him at a park with my dogs and we walked for quite a while, talking and enjoying the day. After the park we walked to an outdoor cafe for lunch (I am fortunate enough to live in an extremely dog friendly city) and we did a lot of talking, about all sorts of things. Lots of laughter. We parted ways to clean up and he DID pick me up for dinner tonight. Went to a gorgeous place overlooking the mountains and city, had a fantastic dinner (my treat this time), talked some more. After dinner we walked around the area for a while and he kept pulling me in for hugs and kisses. When he dropped me off, a lot more kissing but he didn’t push it beyond that and never even implied that he should come in. When he walked me to the door, he kissed my hand, my forehead and said, “Good LORD I don’t want to go back tomorrow. I can’t wait to see you again.” He’s heading out early tomorrow so I won’t see him again this visit but he’s been texting ever since he got back to his hotel.

Now, the feels: The in person chemistry was genuine and we agreed that the comfort level was high and natural. He said he felt as if he’s known me forever, he definitely wanted to see what this might be and he asked if I would be willing to see him again next weekend (not this coming). I absolutely want to. He wants me to see HIS city and offered to pay for travel and lodging if I’m able to visit (I don’t need him to but it seems important to him, so maybe, if he’ll let me pay for some things while I’m there). I had a GREAT time. He’s even more attractive in person, we seem to have extremely compatible senses of humor and communication styles, he’s warm, kind, smart and sexy and I just like him a whole lot.

Now, trying to keep my feet on the ground and not lean forward…wait and see if the communication stays the same and he quickly makes a plan for the next time. I’ve read enough of these posts to know that he could just as easily vanish into thin air as continue to pursue me, or he could be thinking that my visiting means I’ll sleep with him and that’s really all that he’s interested in. I’m hopeful, but know that time will tell.

I’m not sure I have any questions at this point, though I’m sure I will in the immediate future. Really just providing an update. Let the flaming begin!