Long Distance Relationship – Two Questions

Thank you Peggy. I hope so.

Keep us apprised!

That is a hard question and there is likely not just one answer as people as so different. I think if you know yourself well and have good intuition and instincts,you can tell when to “trust that you can trust”. I tend to go all in,that is-not act/be guarded with a man that seems a good fit. But,I also don’t let that show in my words or actions too much until,I am sure of him.
You are right that you need to balance being open and being aware/observing. There is a book called something like ” How not to marry a jerk”. It is an excellent resource,written by a therapist about this very subject of balancing trust,risk etc. I recommend it!

I checked,it is by John Van Epp-“How to avoid falling in love with a jerk”. A great resource.

I know the distance will be a challenge. Honestly, I don’t think either of us could keep that up for more than six months, give or take. One of us (me, I’m sure) would have to move if we wanted to continue. If I didn’t believe that was a possibility, I wouldn’t even be considering this. My last relationship was long distance and a couple of months in we knew we wanted to be together so we set a goal of living in the same place by the end of the year (which would have been at seven months). The timeline worked out well in that situation but every relationship and person is different. I suppose that if we have several more great visits and want to continue, we’ll have to talk about it. I sure wish he was only an hour and a half away like your boyfriend!

I’m glad your date went so well.

As for maintaining a balance! I am currently trying to do the same and this is what I have been telling myself – it’s early days so I can’t say it will work perfectly! I am telling myself these things because I don’t want a casual relationship, I am looking for something lasting. I think that is the same for you. Were it not the case, were I looking for some kind of FWB or whatever, I would be jumping into bed because I fancy this man so much!

* The first date and first kiss were wonderful. Wait and see if it keeps being wonderful. Optimism is fine, fantasy is not!
* However exciting – pace the dates. Give yourself time between to reflect. Once a week (in my case as distance is not a factor) – that’s good – consistent but not over the top.
* Between early dates or conversations it may all seem a little unreal, like a dream. That’s OK, it will take time to know how real/lasting my/your and “his” feelings are.
* Don’t offer or expect daily contact. In fact be wary if he seems to need constant texting. We (you and I, both men) are not teenagers who need constant reassurance, we have busy lives and commitments. Talk occasionally when arrangements need to be made. Then, by all means, have some adult conversation, catch up on one another’s news, but leave the deep talk about life and the universe, and especially about “the relationship” for face to face.
* In fact, don’t talk about “the relationship” for quite some time – just enjoy one another’s company and see how it goes. It will either work, or it won’t. If it works there will be a natural time to discuss what next.
* Own and enjoy your feelings of excitement, but don’t allow them to spill over into fantasy. And don’t tell him just how excited you are – just in case he’s a player, just in case it makes both of you rush, just in case….
*Keep finding out more about him. Don’t ignore any niggles or red flags, however much you’d like this to work.
* Don’t sleep with him until you feel 99.9% ready and 95% sure this is not all he is looking for. (Neither 100% because there are no guarantees.)
* Talk about this with your close friends – they know you well and want the best for you – they will help you keep things in perspective.
*In time try and see how he fits into your life by seeing him around your friends. This need not be a grand introduction – just go to an event you’d both enjoy where there will be friends around. Things like dinner parties can come later if appropriate
* Do the same about meeting his friends

I don’t expect I need suggest to you any more than I need tell myself to continue to do the things that enrich your life and to keep up with your friends.

Good luck, keep
us posted, try not to bother respnding to the trolls!

Thank you Jacquetta. All good advice. I don’t plan to talk about the “relationship” until the point where sex might come into the picture. I’m definitely not looking for a FWB so I would want to make sure we’re on the same page. We have at least checked in with each other every day from the beginning the the communication can be a little sporadic. We’re both pretty busy so communication has peaks and valleys. We may text/talk a lot one day and very little the next few when our jobs get chaotic.

What…I never said it was a done deal. *I* ended the date early in the evening on Tuesday because he’d been up since 4:30 AM and I knew that yesterday would be a full day. As for us getting together, we agreed we’d trade off with the driving, but we’ll see I guess.

Lane…I know you’re correct. I’ve been though it. Once things settle down in terms of the newness and excitement, when you’re doing everyday life together, it either deepens into something lasting or it fizzles out. The only way to find out which is with time and yes, you have to be in the same place. Maybe I’m an eternal optimist but I have the feeling we’re going to find all of this out, over time. Trying (somewhat unsuccessfully) to practice mindfulness and not future think.

@Kailyn, I’d imagine you’ve had another date by now? How is it going?

I am in a long distance relationship with a man I met on Match. He drove to me the first three times and stayed in a hotel. I drove to him the fourth and stayed at his house and we were intimate because I needed to see his life, his home, his city and make sure he was employed, sane and responsible first. Please be safe…. Please don’t get attached by phone before you meet? Please consider a safety rule and remember men are Hunters. Thus you are right to Never travel to meet a man on the first date. Suggest hotels for him to stay and NEVER let him stay with you on the first meeting. He should not stay with you until the third or fourth meeting. Short dates are best at first. I wish you well. Be careful and have fun but don’t be overwhelmed by his life. Please remain stable and independent and engage regularly in hobbies and outings with friends.

Just an update…we met again about a week after my last post. We had a long discussion about a situation involving his children and ex wife and after giving it some serious thought, it became clear that the issue was a deal breaker for me. I don’t want to get into the specifics and he did nothing “wrong”. I truly cared for him but I knew that it wasn’t something that would ever really work for me so I broke it off.

Sad at the time, but better to make this decision early on than to get heavily involved with a man’s children and then realize it won’t work. Thanks to everyone for the advice.