Lost and confused..

It’s difficult to explain, but I feel like I’m hurting so much inside, not physically but mentally. I feel stuck, a bit lost and I’m struggling to motivate myself.
My dad became unwell in June last year, anxiety and depression that came from nowhere. Around the same time I met a guy, I’ll call him A, and I spent time with him enjoying one another’s company, walking, days out, talking, being intimate.

By late August my dad’s mental health deteriorated further, and I was doing all I could to support him. By this time A had suddenly gone cold on me and asked to be given some time and space. I respected his wishes and said I’d be there when he’s ready to talk. I had a holiday booked with my 2 teenage sons at the end of August, which we went on. I was constantly on the phone with my dad throughout supporting him as much as I could, and to my mum who was struggling to understand it all, whilst trying my best to make the most out of my holiday with my boys.

On return from our holiday, A told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship but that he would like to remain friends, I was happy to do so, as I enjoyed his company and our chats.. I think also because I felt I was losing my dad if that makes sense, as he’s always been my source of support, my rock and now it was the other way round.

A and me continued to catch up for a coffee, chat and message over Sept/Oct. My dad deteriorated even further into his depression/anxiety, eventually being admitted to and then detained in hospital for psychological treatment in early October. I was now supporting my mum and brother at their home and helping with shopping etc, visiting and supporting my dad in hospital and liasing with the staff and with his GP to ensure he was being looked after as staff shortages on the ward meant things weren’t always being done/seen to. I’d also agreed to be a support worker for my friends daughter 2 to 3 days a week, whilst also supporting my own sons at home.

By November, my life was extremely busy driving about the place to support my mum, dad and brother, ferrying my boys about, attending appts and reviews with my dad, and for my youngest son, it just didn’t stop. A was now messaging more, and had started calling for a chat which he’d not done until now, he was also becoming quite affectionate – hugs, gentle touches to the arm, back when chatting etc. I felt okay with this, I hug my friends all the time so thought nothing of it. A did make one or two suggestive comments but I just laughed and brushed it off.

Mid December before Xmas, plans were being made for home visits for my dad with a view to discharging from hospital. Being the only driver in my family it lay with me to sort transport out and arrange his visits home and get him back to the hospital. My mum and brother had taken a backseat throughout all this as they said they didn’t know what to do or how to be helpful despite my gentle encouragement for them to just simply visit and chat. They stopped visiting and just waited for his visits home. I was still supporting my friends daughter at this time, and to be honest the last thing in my mind was any prep for Xmas.

My dad was discharged the week before Xmas, so my time was spent helping him to settle back at home, and has been much the same since although my visits have become less frequent as he has settled back home. Xmas eve my boys went off to stay with their dad for Xmas. A invited me over for dinner which I gratefully accepted, he was very affectionate all evening and asked me to stay over. I declined and went home but felt really confused, I had wanted to stay over, but knew if I did we will have prob slept together and not have slept in separate beds as he’d suggested as the physical tension was high. I was confused I guess because I wanted to feel wanted, to be held etc.. A had said the same.

Xmas day and boxing day came and went, I busied myself with going for walks, visiting my parents and cooking them Xmas Dinner, and I threw myself into sorting and tidying around the house, I had a huge desire to be busy, to sort things before the new year. A and I were still messaging, I still felt really confused and torn in two. We met up for coffee the day after boxing day and one thing led to another and we slept together and i went home that evening. The following day A and I went for a walk together I stopped by for coffee and went home. On the weekends throughout January I’ve have popped round for a coffee on the Saturday or Sunday and we’ve ended up in bed together. We message and he’ll call for a chat during the week. The thing is this just doesn’t feel righ. I feel pretty messed up at the moment, we sleep together and I end up crying when I’ve gone home, and remain in a low mood/upset for a few days before I shake it off. That was until the last few weeks.. I’ve just been crying on and off, feel unmotivated to do anything other than what I resort to when things feel out of control which is physical activity – lots of walking, cycling, workouts daily – as it takes away the pain and the feeling of overwhelm at least for the time I’m doing it. Then everything comes flooding back and I feel lost and stuck. I feel like I’ve lost my dad, the one person I could talk to about anything who I’d turn to for support, that’s gone. My teenage sons don’t need me as much now and I feel lost without that too. And there’s A who I know doesn’t want a relationship, and I know I don’t want a relationship with him as I know he’s not right for me.. but I crave his company, his touch, even though I know deep down its not right.

To cut this long story short, I refer back to my first sentence, I hurt so much inside and I’m struggling to pull myself out of the thoughts, feelings and emotions that come with it.

Any thoughts, advice words of experience would be welcomed because I’m finding it hard to see things with any real logic or perspective just now.

Thanks for reading x