Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Lovebombing or true love?
- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 2 years, 4 months ago by
Maddie.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Joanne
Lovebombing or real love?
I’m dating a guy for around 4 months now. The thing is that it feels so good to be true and I’m wondering whether all of this is just a glamour and will fade soon. Keep in mind that I do have serious trust issues due to a problematic childhood -my dad wasn’t really close, so I felt sad and neglected, so having someone showing me all this kind of attention is menacing.
Why I think he might be lovebombing me:
1) Tons of compliments. TONS. Everyday I’m sick of listening how special I am, how I make him a better person, how he has never met anyone like me, how beautiful and smart I am. I hear those things EVERY SINGLE DAY. When I address the issue he says that all these compliments are genuine.
2) Gifts. OK, here we don’t have much but when I had my birthday, a month or two into dating, he bought me a gold bracelet that costs a lot. Mind you that he has a good job and the whole gesture was nicely presented but still. He has also lent me his old PlayStation because he wants me to de-stress after work. Do boys really do that?
3) Couple. We jumped into a relationship quickly. Let’s say after a month of dating.
4) Possibly he is lying. For me that’s the most serious one. This guy had some previous relationships that he told me about. I didn’t. I’m actually a virgin. So I told him that I would feel more secure if he got tested. He said that he would without second thought and in fact he told me after two weeks of that discussion that he went to the lab. However, more than a week has passed and no sign of test results. He says that he doesn’t know why and that he wants to get them too but I feel that there is something else going on.
Why I think all of these is in my head:
1) He is very attentive to my needs. He doesn’t push me to make plans now that I have a very rough work schedule. He supports me and gives great advice when asked for.
2) He doesn’t push me to have sex with him. He actually told me that he doesn’t mind waiting because he sees me more than a sex object.
3) He is trying to impress me. He doesn’t know how to cook, yet he.prepared me a nice dinner.
4) He has introduced me to his friends. Well, that felt nice! He is loved in his group of friends and even one of them told me that he is a “doormat” in a good way. Relationship material!
5) He has understood my insecurities and tried to talk me out of them. He is trying to built trust.
How can I know what is true???
Raven
It’s been 4 months & he’s been consistent…
If he’s faking things he won’t be able to do so much longer.Clara
It’s very valid that your childhood and experiences have made it difficult for you to trust. You are wary and vigilant probably because you don’t want to get hurt. I’m glad you were able to talk to him about your insecurities and based on what you wrote in your post, it seems like he is receptive and wants to help you. If you have never experience this type of relationship, it might feel weird, uncomfortable, or even “too good to be true”. You have to ask yourself if you are trying to self-sabotage, as in looking for anything that might be wrong or deceitful, as a way to prove that you are not worthy of love or a healthy relationship. Now I’m not saying that you are wrong here, just that maybe you should give it a little more time and look at his ACTIONS. Is he consistently DOING things that prove he is lying or keeping up appearances? After a while, people who lie and fake their actions and words start to slip up. They cant keep it up forever and it is a LOT of work to keep up a facade. If you give it time and notice that he is continuing to be a thoughtful, attentive, and caring partner, then you’ll have your answer. The key is to take things for what they are without trying to misconstrue them. When someone is truly faking it or trying to deceive you, it will eventually come out all by itself. People will show you their true colors. Let him continue showing you who he is and base your decision to stay with him on that. Hope that helps!
Maddie
There is a lot that exists inbetween love bombing and true love, so since you’re still getting to know each other, I wouldn’t look at it as it’s one or the other (unless it actually is love bombing). Love bombing is a manipulation tactic or a sign of emotional instability in the other person. It is to get your defenses down and get you out of your comfort zone, disrespecting your boundaries to get you to move your own goalposts and fall for the guy when he doesn’t actually see who you are, as the chasing and flattery is all about him him him and how it makes him feel about himself to have you around. Do you feel uncomfortable in that way, or do you feel uncomfortable because he is stable and reliable and you’re used to not being able to trust others due to your past family issues? Have you ever had therapy or done anything to address those issues, so you can heal and trust your instincts better? I find that when it’s difficult to put your finger on why there’s an issue, it’s good to explore your own issues first and see if you’re projecting distrust and your own lack of availability rather than he’s giving you a reason to doubt him. If your instincts have a bad vibe specifically about the guy and you kind of feel why but are trying to push that down and ignore it, then it’s usually a problem with the guy, whether that’s due to love bombing or something else. But it’s complicated to wade through without having sorted through the family stuff first.
I agree with the other posters to keep observing him and making sure all his words and actions match over time and he is consistent with you. That’s the biggest red flag in my opinion for figuring out situations like this, inconsistency leading to confusion, because if people have a mask up with early good behavior, it will indeed eventually fall off!
-
AuthorPosts
